Wrestling with a fetish all my life

I think I did ask him to email me if he wanted to come back to the issue on Monday, though as you say I should ask him and others to do it more generally.

And yes, I really enjoyed Black Widow. As Tao said it's not always as good as you might hope, but sometimes it's better. It does indeed go into her backstory too, but perhaps not as much as I was expecting; only as much as is necessary for the events of the film.

Today, on balance, was a good day. It started tough... temptations were insanely strong when I woke up and there was something of a burning sensation down below as I fought. It also felt as though the slightest accidental touch could trigger orgasm... I felt that sensitive. The Saturday mornign run didn't go well either.

At first I didn't feel much in the mood for the church BBQ, but once I got there it was really fun and as always surrounding myself with people who are like family took away all feelings of temptation. I stayed later than I thought I might, and we lit up a fire pit and roasted marshmallows right at the end. The drive home felt really chilled too. So all of this undid any negativity of the morning

 

It's been a difficult day (and not just because England lost the Euros final!). I made some mistkaes hosting a Zoom church meeting this morning - easily done and I'm sure the church family won't mind - but triggered anxiety mode nonetheless, which got the day off to a bad start. Temptations in themselves weren't strong mentally, but my genitals have been incredibly sensitive all day. Like yesterday, it feels as though I could accidentally orgasm at any moment. I feel slightly flu-like in addition... not sure if that's withdrawal or not but may be enough that I may need to get a COVID test. Can kinda sense that the stress of resisting masturbation is contributing to a weaker immune system, though (stress is known to have this affect).

Still, 35 days strong, and the day wasn't completely bad. I was able to relax (mostly on the playstation 4!) for most of the afternoon

Bed time!

 

Prayers would please be appreciated as multiple times today my willpower has felt as though it's teetering on the edge. It's been hard to take my mind off some of my 'favorite' memories and I can feel the flesh weakening, just waiting for me to slip up. It's when a memory takes me by surprise that it's hardest... I'll be working and suddenly I'll remember 'this video' or 'that illustration' I used to draw, even though it has nothing to do with my work. I caught my hands wandering once or twice too and had to immediately pull away. Sleeping last night was tricky, as it felt as though there was itch to be scratched, even when there's no erotic thoughts. It's getting really tough.

But I know God is faithful. Even if I do slip up this time round or some other time in the future, He still loves me and forgives me. I must keep remembering this and keep praying that my will would be aligned with His and not with the flesh.

My run today was one of the least successful for a while. The motivational circuits in my brain just don't seem to be connecting with my legs. Perhaps I need a break from running for a while, and perhaps my desire to get my heart racing from such runs is just me chasing another high, which could be destructive. As I have gotten more used to it it has been harder to get that runner's high without going faster or up even steeper hills, but my legs just can't seem to manage such challenges. It could be that I need a change of scene for my runs - I used to run by water a lot as I used to live close to it, and it really helped with the motivation - but as I get older and busier it's harder to find time to take the car to somewhere like this. As I look for my next flat I'm considering a few places near a canal for this reason.

 

Thanks Actually I do sometimes switch to weights, push-ups or tricep dips; exercises that can be done in the home*. The problem I tend to get is that I find breathing while doing such exercises really difficult and I easily overdo it. With running I keep a steady pace and my heart has got me covered... but with weights it seems to struggle with the stop-start nature of doing sets.

*I avoid gyms... gyms plus social anxiety don't mix! I can't help but think that others are judging me not so much for much much I can lift (for example), but for not knowing how to use things! I know it's silly, but I can't shake the feeling, and I need exercise to release stress, not cause it. Plus I've always had a thing for women in gym gear, so gyms aren't a great place for me to avoid temptation!

Today has been so-so. One emotion that seems to arise from resisting PMO is anger... or rather, my flesh is angry at my spirit for committing to this. My flesh is frustrated at the idea of never PMO-ing again, whether from now or after my next reset if I have one. My flesh has collected so many memories and built so much that the idea of giving it all up completely is not something it is happy with. It really did feel like tangible anger when I felt like this earlier; the anger of the enemy manifesting itself in me in opposition of the Spirit living in me. But I know this is a sign that I'm on the right path.

 

Thank you both

There's not much to report today. A busy work day but productive. Some difficult managerial issues to deal with (I'm not a manager but I still have things to manage!). Don't think I was as tempted today as I have been for the past few days. However as I was in the office and out and about to get to/from there and on my lunchtime walk, there was more to tempt wandering eyes. My lunchtime walk is essential for stress management, and I do it whether based in the office or at home.

 

Just a quick check-in today. I did indeed end up changing my workout to resistance training: weights, push-ups and tricep dips, and feeling good for it! A bit dizzy afterwards though... a feeling I really don't like!

Temptations have been average. Tempting, but not enough to break my current 39 days!

 

Day 40

40 days! A very Biblical number, especially with respect to temptation. It's a reminder that like Christ did in the desert we must answer temptation with scripture, not surrender. I'm very familiar with many arguments my flesh makes to try and convince me to PMO, but I've never stopped to consider which Bible verses might be appropriate to counter them. This is something I'd like to work on in the future, and will aim to share when I do.

Another encouragement today comes once again from the TV series Elementary! In this episode this recovering addict Sherlock comments that his '1-year tokens' are but symbols, but Joan (Watson) points out that they aren't symbols only for his benefit but also for others in recovery - Sherlock's successes encourage others. This has given me a whole new motivation to persist in resisting PMO - I am example to anybody who follows my story (and you are an example to anybody who follows yours!). Conversely, my failures could 'encourage' others to fail. I certainly remember a Bible study when I was a student in which lust was the topic, and the very fact that others confessed to struggling with it made me feel less guilty, which ultimately led to me going home that same night and letting myself go with what the internet had to offer fetishists such as myself. This was the incorrect response, and I'd hate for one of my resets to lead others to sin. Not cool.

I've actually had a number of other relflections over the past few days, but little time to write them. I'm on UK time and I really should be getting to sleep now because I have an early start tomorrow, despite it being a weekend!

Sleep!

 

Day 42

Sorry not to post yesterday. I was in a conference all day, and though I had some free time in the evening, I spent most of it in meditation. Largely about what I’m about to write...

I’ve decided to go into serious detail in today’s post. I’ve never been sure if I should go into such depth largely because it’s going to be more of a trigger risk for anybody with a similar fetish, and nonetheless potentially quite disturbing. Of course, it’s a trigger for me too. It’s also incredibly embarassing. But I’ve brought that one on myself and embarrassment is going to be a cost of freedom that I need to get more used to paying. I feel crazy for opening up on the internet, where anyone can read this, but that’s why I’ve gone to great lengths to preserve my anonymity I suppose! I’ve been inspired by others on this site who have opened up about their fetishes, and value their insight. If I am to receive more I will need to open up about the problem more, and so weighing up my reservations it’s worth going into more detail. The detail, though graphic, is important for understanding the needs I’ve been trying to gratify. Plus, perhaps to others who do have similar struggles the words will be useful in expressing their own thoughts as they navigate their own confused world. In any case, I’ve felt better just for writing this post.

So, I’d like to emphasise the trigger warning for those with a bondage fetish, and even for those without, reader discretion is advised.

Regular readers will know cartoons and TV fueled my curiosity about the phenomenon of being tied up. When I realized I could A) draw bound and gagged women and B) tie myself up, I suddenly had new ways to explore this phenomenon.

From the moment I saw Mowgli constricted by Kaa in The Jungle Book back when I was around 4 or 5, I wondered “what’s that like”? It’s clear that the ways I entertain my fetish are an attempt to answer that question, and my search for an answer got tangled up in my sexual awakening, possibly because bondage in fiction seemed to happen to women significantly more often. But what I don’t understand is why the “what’s it like?” question was and is so important for me to answer. As I mentioned before I think part of the curiosity was driven by not realising until then that freedom is taken for granted and could be taken away. Another part of it is that constriction feels like being hugged…. I definitely remember at the time thinking of that as a possible answer to what it must feel like. But why were these realisations so important that I sought to understand this phenomenon of constriction? I can’t work out what needs of my childhood I was attempting to meet. I didn’t know then and I didn’t know now. Perhaps an ‘inventory’ of my needs then and now would be a useful exercise.

Anyway, another influential character for myself and many – possibly the ‘queen’ of the damsel in distress (or DiD) fetish - is Daphne from the Scooby Doo cartoons. Seriously, the fetishists are all over her. There’s an episode where she’s captured and shown taken away in a car. Naturally, the story then follows the rest of the gang searching for her. They eventually find her tied up in a seated position (I remembered it as her being tied to a chair – which is very key to the development of my fetish – but she actually wasn’t, she was just sat down). Building on the Jungle Book incident, I couldn’t help but wonder, for this and similar scenarios, what was this like from her perspective? While the show followed the rest of the gang looking for her, she was sat alone, tied up, gagged, waiting. Alone with her thoughts, nothing to do but just think while the world moves on around her and she has no ability to affect it whatsoever. Will she be found and released in the next 10 minutes? Hour? 10 hours? She has no way of knowing, possibly no way of measuring time at all if there’s no clock in the room. A show with a bound and gagged woman left alone waiting to be rescued rarely puts the story in her perspective, and it’s a mystery that has always fascinated me (or rather, my flesh). Sometimes shows will cut back to a few seconds of the woman struggling, or just focus on her sitting still, having accepted her situation and just waiting… such cut-away scenes really turn me on because they work towards filling the gaps of telling the story from her perspective.

Daphne usually appears distressed in her DiD scenes, though I’ve mentioned before that I’m actually more turned on when the woman has a cool head about the situation (often a female hero or crimefighter in such situations). They have a complete nonchalance about it all. With Daphne there’s still the innocence of knowing it’s only a cartoon, so I am still turned on. I want to highlight that the more realistic the portrayal, the less aroused I am. An actual human being genuinely kidnapped and going through such an ordeal is not what I’m into… I wish that on no-one. I’ve never tied anybody up myself and were I to surrender to my sin I would only do it to somebody who gave consent to do it with no reservations whatsoever. Real women tied up in fictional films or TV shows can turn me on because the actress has consented to being in that scene and putting herself in that situation. But the more genuine fear and discomfort she displays in her acting (less common before the turn of the millenium), the less turned on I am. I can actually feel disturbed by it at times.

But I digress. I’ve always been fascinated by the story (or lack thereof) from the perspective of the woman who’s tied up. I absolutely had to understand what it’s like and could never quite get the answer and never new why it was so important to get it. Aside from trawling through the online content there is for DiD fetishes out there, art and self-bondage are two of the mains ways I’ve attempted to find closure, and also sexual gratification.

Art

From really early on, long before puberty, I was drawing comics about a heroine who’d spend hours tied to a chair and gagged, and exploring her thoughts in her thought bubbles as she waited to be found and rescued. I would later go on to call her ‘Naomi’, (I was going to leave that detail but it will make it easier to refer to her later). I would occasionally draw other women too, either in the same or separate stories, or just as one-off drawings. As my ability to draw got more realistic, I got better at drawing the female body, probably because I was awakening to the attraction of it and so paid closer attention. So it’s easy to see how this obsession became tangled with my sexual awakening… I avoided ‘normal’ porn but I was nonetheless exploring the female figure through the medium of drawing bound and gagged women.

Self-bondage

Self-bondage started much later than the drawing. I was a teenager when I got the inspiration to and worked out how to do it. But anyway, more often than not I’d do it by tying myself to a chair. I was always gagged, but in later years I realised I could add a blindfold to emulate the phenomenon of losing all sense of time. I would also set an alarm to be ‘rescued’ hours later, at which point I released myself. So I knew how long I would be tied up for, but with the blindfold on I’d quickly lose sense of how much longer it would be after any given point, creating the afore-mentioned illusion of uncertainty surrounding my ‘rescue’. Furthermore, from early on I’d be wearing fewer and fewer clothes when I engaged in self-bondage and before long I was completely naked every time. Also, depending on how I was tied, I could just about reach my crotch and masturbate, usually edging and saving orgasm until my ‘rescue’. The nudity and masturbation in this situation are clearly surrogates for sex, and less so the bondage phenomenon itself.

It gets more disturbing. When I fall for the lies of my flesh and tie myself up, I imagine myself as the damsel in distress. I am Daphne. I am Naomi. I am the women in my life who I’ve secretly wanted to tie to a chair and gag, were they to be completely up for it. I imagine myself tying them up and then I mentally switch roles and imagine being them, sat waiting to be found with no awareness of time and no idea when I/they will be ‘rescued’. Throughout, I hear the ambient noises caused by the world continuing around me, without me. The noise of mail dropping through the letter box – the postman completely unaware that meters away a ‘damsel in distress’ sits helplessly tied to a chair, waiting to be rescued. Equally ignorant and getting on with their lives are upstairs neighbours doing their DIY, or the faint hustle and bustle of a neighborhood event. It’s all part of Daphne’s experience or Naomi’s experience and I’m finally able to experience it for myself. It feels good, but never good enough.

I know this is all incredibly messed up, especially imagining myself as real people in my life, but when the flesh is hungry all reason and rationality is cast away. Most of the time I had the self discipline to exclude the female friends closest to me and girls/women I had feelings for from my fantasies, but there were exceptions, and many other women in my fantasies were nonetheless friends, just not among the closest. But now when I reflect on these times I feel like I don’t deserve their friendship at all and am living a lie by continuing as their friend. Nobody should be fantasising about their friends in this way. In recent years I find it much harder to fantasise about people I know at all, but there are exceptions and I still slip up. Of course, I shouldn’t be fantasising about anybody in this way. They may not be personal to me but they are personal to others. Women are friends, sisters, mothers, daughters, and most importantly of all, beautiful people loved by God. I certainly wouldn’t appreciate anybody fantasising about my daughter in this way if I had one.


So why is the DiD phenomenon so appealing to me?

Some people are into bondage for reasons similar to people who undergo sensory deprivation (for example in an ISO tank) – there’s nothing to do but just think. Alternatively / additionally, it’s a release from responsibility. What is physically incarceration mentally becomes a form of freedom. Freedom from rushing around in the rat race of life and the responsibilities and realities that snowball as we get older. I think this probably is a factor in my case. I’m a very busy person with a history of anxiety and obsessive thoughts (but not OCD) and I find it hard to just relax. I am easily distracted when I need to concentrate and was never able to sit still. The hours I’ve spent tied up are probably some of the most relaxed I’ve ever been.

I’m socially anxious, and anxiety is caused when others create problems for me or I fear I can create problems for them. When I am my most anxious I sometimes wish I could exist in my own isolated universe while letting others live in the current, existing one. But I know this is stupid because I do ultimately enjoy being with people – and I’m currently reaching out for help from a crowd of people on the internet! To some extent I’ve enjoyed the isolation of the pandemic, but I do not wish social isolation on anybody who depends on it. The damage this has caused to loved ones stuck in their homes is upsetting. But I digress again – personally I like isolation, to an extent. I feel socially safe. I think being stuck on a desert island and using my resourcefulness to survive would be kind of exciting. Were I to end up in prison, I’m probably the sort of person who’d be eaten alive, so the idea of solitary confinement in a prison actually feels welcoming to me. I love ‘bottle episodes’ on TV – where the narrative takes place in a single room. Isolation. Barriers. Constraint. I was thinking the other day that my self-bondage exploits essentially create a barrier between me and the rest of the world. I’m in the isolated universe I crave. The world goes on around me while I sit fully restrained, free of visual stimuli, alone with my thoughts, all the while receiving something akin to a hugging sensation from my bonds and, of course, sexual gratification.

It’s easy to see how this would appeal to me in my formative years and thereafter when I consider how difficult and stressful I found social interaction… but I really don’t think this was an issue for me when I first asked “I wonder what that’s like”? I can’t imagine the burdens of responsibility and the rat race of life were an issue for the 4/5 yr old me who became intrigued by that particular Jungle Book scene. I feel like there must be something else to this.

I hate being so graphic in my earlier paragraphs, especially those on self-bondage, but I think some of the finer details are important for me to understand and find answers to. What needs did I have as a child and throughout my life that I turned to bondage for? I know I need to identify these needs and put them before God knowing that they have been satisfied through the cross. Insight, and of course prayer, from any of you who can provide it would please be very much appreciated.

Thank you so much all of you for your support so far!

 

Day 43

Wow... one 'like' button isn't enough here! Firstly, thank you so so much for opening up about your own encounter with bondage for the benefit of my recovery, thank you for that post as a whole, and thank you for understanding. I think you’ve really hit the nail on the head with your point about safety, which I’ll get to further down in this post. A whole bunch of revelations have come to mind as I have reflected on your reply and also on my previous post. I actually couldn’t focus on work today because my mind is buzzing (in a good way!).

I did read your points on dissociation in your journal yesterday, and it’s really interesting you bring this up also because it just occurred to me that dissociation is also a reaction to anxiety and fear (I think of them as the same thing, note that as you read on), and one I have very definitely experienced in the past.

Out of respect for others involved I really can’t give details on this one, but there was one occasion when I was so afraid about a certain financial matter that my mind completely dissociated… it was almost an out of body experience. I suddenly decided I was going to hide in my bed for three hours and let everything play out even though I knew all possible outcomes would be bad. Despite being a financial matter it was ultimately social fear… on the one hand others concerned could be (unjustly) furious with me, on the other, as unlikely and ridiculous as it sounds, what if this somehow led to me being in prison where I would be bullied by other inmates? I’ve frozen as an anxious response before, but this situation had dragged out for ages and was unlike any other. I was probably close to a breakdown. Thankfully it did all get resolved.

I’m reminded of a scene from the horror movie Hereditary. the rest of my post doesn't hinge on this but if you're interested, read the spoiler...

Spoiler: Spoilers for the movie Hereditary

A key scene early on is the death of a child as her brother is rushing her to a hospital by car. When the brother realises what has happened…. he completely dissociates, and the actor’s portrayal is honestly one of the best pieces of acting I have ever seen. He’s in abject horror about what’s happened, but just continues on home on autopilot, returns to his bedroom without telling the parents anything, and gets in bed to just wait for whatever is about to play out to just happen. The parents find the body in the car the next morning, and the story continues.

My counselor once observed that in addition to fight and flight, there is a third autonomous response to fear: the option of completely freezing. My body definitely chooses this option more often than not. I have fight and flight responses too, but I’ll save those for another post. I struggle to make decisions… really, really struggle. When the need to decide completely blindsides me I freeze… I dissociate and let everything play out without deciding anything. The world continues around me in that moment even though my inaction could make me responsible for the consequences. Only yesterday did I realise that this is a clear parallel to my fascination with bound and gagged women left with no choice but to let their ordeal play out around them, and be reduced to nothing but powerless observers.

But in fear situations, this dissociation is uncomfortable because we know we are not safe. Another thought occurred to me yesterday that actually, I do actually have an idea of what it would be like to be a woman (or indeed a man) restrained against her (his) will… because if it were a real scenario, it would be utterly terrifying. It would be uncomfortable, possibly painful. It would probably traumatise her for life. I’ve known that answer all along, but it’s not an answer I liked. I wanted an answer as innocent as the TV shows I watched because I knew there would be a happy ending and the characters would be safe. Perhaps the real question has always been “what it’s like to be tied up but to also feel safe?”

Being tied up is generally a problem because we need to move and interact with the world in order to survive. But what if we didn’t need to move? Being deprived of our freedom wouldn’t be an issue because if that was the case, presumably all of our needs would be in the spot to which we were bound. It was like this in the womb… we had nowhere we needed to go because our mothers took care of everything for us.

When we are born, we are still completely dependent on our parents. I am lucky to have had loving parents who took care of my needs as I got older. I was just a passenger, riding along the tracks that my parents laid down for me as they cared for me. It didn’t matter whether or not I was still bound (metaphorically in this case). Actually, it did, because in this sense bondage was safe, because it was not safe for me to make decisions for myself. I once tried to swing on some curtains (as I had also seen on TV) but they didn’t take my weight and I crashed to the floor. If my parents were there I wouldn’t have made such a stupid decision. Their ‘bondage’ would have protected me. We stick infants behind the bars of their cot or a stair guard so they don’t crawl or run somewhere they could hurt themselves. The point being that under the right circumstances, ‘bondage’ is safe.

I was a crybaby growing up. I’d run to my mother before fighting back if somebody threatened me. I was a real pacifist throughout my life and the people around me knew it, and would often bully me for it. I’m still a coward today in certain circumstances. I was also incredibly gullible. If people told they were better than me I believed them. If people told me I was weak I believed them. In my eyes the only thing that could trump the insults or physical threats of other children was the authority of an adult. I depended on parents, teachers or other adults to fight my battles for me.

Of course, as I got older, more and more decisions and responsibilities were mine to make and not my parents’ (in fact, I need to decide things for them now). I often reflect that the hardest part of growing up was realising that not everything you hear is necessarily true. I used to be incredibly gullible. I’m now incredibly sceptical (another contrast my counsellor picked up on). Realising that my parents or indeed anybody could be wrong was difficult to process. I almost fell away from God because of this… having to process the evidence for and against Christ and the resurrection and come to a decision by myself was seriously stressful for me. I had a very literal fear of hell and I was scared of the possibility of having chosen the wrong God. Perhaps I’ll share my testimony in more detail one day, but long story short… God’s grace won my heart and my mind and pulled me through that, back into Christ’s unconditional love and promise of eternal life through his death and resurrection.

When I’m anxious, really anxious, I miss the protection of my parents. When I had that extreme sense of dissociation about the financial issue, I very much felt as though I wanted to run back into the protection of my parents, because I hated having responsibility for my own life. It was too much. In fact, though that situation was resolved I did end up moving back in with them due to a related issue; I had to leave my house at the time but I was far too stressed to house-hunt. I returned to ‘the womb’ while I recharged mentally, and eventually moved out again.

I would honestly find life so much easier if I didn’t have to make choices. I just want to be a passenger, but only now do I realise I want to be a passenger on the condition that I am safe.

Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

However you make sense of free will and predestination, it’s a fact that God guides - plans - our steps and does so for our a future of hope and prosperity. We are passengers of God’s will, and as long as we have accepted Christ’s death and resurrection and our complete dependence on him, the destination is one of safety. I still have questions – did I feel I was lacking ‘safe bondage’ from my parents when I watched that scene with Mowgli and Kaa? But yesterday and today’s revelations are significant, I think. @GodsDaughter, @Roady, Thank you!

The current decisions that cause me grief surround my work. I'm rushed off my feet (metaphorically) trying to keep things in control and please those who have a stake in my work. I work too hard and worry too much, I know I do. It's clear I need to spend more time away from it. As long as I do my hours and work as hard as I can within those hours, I need to shut down thereafter, "bind" myself in God and other wholesome activities, and dissociate myself from work during those times, letting God take control.