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Wrestling with a fetish all my life

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. I remember vividly the day I realized this same fear within myself. I had been cozy with PMO for so long, I wasn't sure who I would be without it. I didn't like my life but I was at least familiar with it. What if I really gave over control to Christ and let him call the shots -- and I hated who he was making me to be? What if I didn't like the new P-free me?

    It's an honest fear and a real concern. The dying to self we must do to enter the Kingdom is a real, painful death. No one can become a disciple without a few sleepless nights along the way, tossing and turning, flesh wrestling against spirit.

    Looking back, I can readily say I had no cause for concern. Jesus changes us completely, but he is unfailingly *good*. His way is so much better than anything I ever dreamed up. Even my worst days now are better by far than my best days before. Once I dreamed of the "abundant life" and peace that passes understanding -- now, I live in the present reality of both!

    So, be encouraged. Sometimes it is scary to follow Christ wherever he leads, especially when he goes off in some crazy direction you did not expect. But it is always to our advantage to stick close by his side. :)
     
    Roady and XandeXIV like this.
  2. Don't we not all have experienced this fear while following our Lord?
    We are só trusted with this kind of attachment, that we cannot think about a life without it.
    Letting go of my favorite fetishes felt sometimes of letting go a good friend.
    And yes we need to mourn, yes, to mourn about that loss.
    Let us go to the Father and cry out our tears of pain, the pain of loss,
    let us give all our delusions and illusions to our Savior Jesus Christ.

    Should His love not really be enough for us to fill our hungry hearts?
    Should His emphatic and understanding heart not really be enough for us once we have connected to Him?

    Yes after 20 years of struggling myself I really can admit that His grace is - indeed - enough for me.
    Enough for me to live my days, my hunger for toxic things becoming less and less.

    Yes, we really can trust onto the Father.
    But - maybe unfortunately - we need to suffer once we will be freed from our attachment to all kind of toxic things.
    Jesus told us that already. He who has suffered is free from his sins. And if the Son has freed you, you will be free varysimilar.

    Move on my friend, you are walking the right walk, seek the Lord with all your heart and humble yourself as often as you can as the humbleness is the most effective weapon in our battle.
     
    XandeXIV and Tao Jones like this.
  3. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much, both of you. It’s very reassuring to hear that people with the experience of the battle with PMO that you both have have also suffered this same particular feeling.

    I especially know what you mean about letting go of a friend, Roady. It really does feel like this, but it’s hard to say goodbye and mourn when I feel like I’ve never had closure on my fantasies – I have not quite had all of the experiences I desire to have. My friend isn’t ready to leave just yet. There’s still so much it wants to do before getting on the last train out of town.

    I wrote before about how I got closure on one story I’d always wanted to tell about my Naomi character. I feel no urges to continue that particular story, but I still have urges to draw her and other women, and want some closure on another story idea which would require less effort on my part. There are still one or two more self-bondage experiences that have been on the ‘Temptation TODO list’, and there’s always a part of me that wants to set a day or two aside to get all of these out of my system, without necessarily MO (though I’d still regard them all as P and therefore a reset), and then say goodbye forever. At this point ‘Naomi’ gets on the train and she’s out of my life. Then I can mourn my ‘friend’. That’s the closure I feel like I need, but I know that A) it probably wouldn’t work and B) it’s not God’s solution. But I still consider myself very much at risk of attempting all this.

    It’s so hard to say ‘goodbye’ to this ‘friend’, even though I know it’s what I must do. Perhaps I need to analyse each item on the ‘list’ and what it is I’m really grasping for that God’s love provides, or rather how God’s love gratifies that deeper need. And besides – even if I don’t analyse the remaining desires at so deep a level, God’s love is the solution nonetheless.

    Maybe I need to pour out my frustration in my prayers more, as you say. In recent years I’ve come to appreciate how God lets us approach Him in honesty – and that this is why so many Psalms (for example) are full of anguish. The Psalms show us that we can bring any emotion before God. I’m not sure how to explain this, but as I reflect and pray today following Tao and Roady’s responses, I feel that although for many years I have but this fetish problem before God, I’ve never really put the pain of it before Him. Or rather, I only really express my pain after I’ve failed through PMO. Before I fail I pray against it and confess my wrongdoing but without much heart. I need to vent my frustration regarding the difficulties resisting much more and confess my brokenness in doing that. I look to God to take away the problem but I do not ask Him to take away the pain – whether that pain is the frustration that comes with resisting PMO, or the emotional pain of wrestling with life’s challenges, be they social, economical or other. I pray for safety but I do not pray for the feeling of safety – something that often makes it hard for me to move forward in many areas of life.

    ---

    Day 87

    Stress: 4, Temptation 7, Motivation 4

    Today got off to a bad start but ended well. In the morning temptations were strong, and very frustrating. The flesh was noticeably angry at the notion of letting go of its ‘friend’. I felt grumpy and irritable. My lunchtime walk really helped – venting frustration by walking at a brisk pace up the local hills. When I first got into hill running, I was largely motivated by frustration. At that time the frustration was with myself over how badly I’d handled a relationship. I know we should learn to forgive ourselves, but at least exercise is a healthier way to cope with frustration than PMO! Anyway I continued my Bible memorisation exercise while walking today, and this went well also also contributed to calming me down. I spent the rest of my lunch break writing most of the above responses, and then went on to have a productive work afternoon.

    I keep meaning to share some pre-written reflections in which I consider (among other things) why I may have such a stronger desire for closure. Given that my need for closure feels like a barrier to letting go of my ‘friend’, I think it’s time I shared this, which I will do in a separate post.
     
    Roady likes this.
  4. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Reflecting on the past: "Laura's Lamppost"

    An experience that’s come up in my journal before is one of my earliest bondage experiences: the pretend-play where my female friend and neighbour Laura (not her real name) suggested she be tied to the lamp post on our street. My friend James (again not real name) and I would then show up in a pretend helicopter and rescue her. I would have been somewhere between the ages of 4-6. I’m going to unpack this in more detail, as this experience is significant for multiple reasons which I will elaborate on below:
    • It is when I learned the phrase ‘tied up’.
    • I learned I wasn’t alone in my interest.
    • Laura had that completely nonchalant and even subjective attitude to being tied up that turns me on in my ideal scenes.
    • She was my closest female friend at the time.
    • The story did not have closure.
    • I didn’t get to be the one who tied her up (also closure-related in a way).
    • It formed a template for earlier fantasies in which people would be tied up in a similar way.
    Learning the phrase ‘tied up’ - Being so young I was of course still developing my vocabulary. I didn’t know how to refer to this appealing phenomenon I had seen on TV a few times where people were put in a position where they couldn’t move their arms. When Laura explained her idea for a story that day, that she was to be ‘tied up’ and James and I rescued her, she had suddenly formalised this strange new concept for me. It had a name. I have read before that when concepts fire neurons in our brains frequently enough to be significant, our brains register those concepts as discrete symbols to which we assigned labels. Finally, I knew that ‘tied up’ was the symbolic grounding for this concept that had been arousing my curiosity.

    I became a lot more alert to the phrase ‘tied up’ from then on. As I got older it turned me on to hear a woman say those two words or for the words to be said in reference to a woman, but it actually makes me feel slightly awkward saying the words myself. It’s a bit like that awkward first sex talk with parents… you’re happy thinking about it on your own but talking to grown-ups about it is super embarrassing. It’s one thing that’s made it so hard to open up to people about it. Writing here is helping in that way… I feel like the words are becoming normalised to me. I remember in response to an earlier post Tao commented that seeing a scene in which a person is tied up has no effect on him whatsoever even though for me I’m so alert to it I sense it coming and have to control myself. For me this is similar… most people say the words ‘tied up’ like no other but for me they spark some serious activity in my brain – either lust or embarrassment or both.

    Not being alone & Validation - Laura asking to be tied up and seeming to be into it showed me that I wasn’t alone… not only had this phenomenon caught my attention but hers also. Suddenly it was okay to find this thing appealing. When I later learned about porn I soon learned that it was bad. But nobody ever said it was bad to be into damsels in distress (though I still found it embarrassing to talk about) and they showed up on TV all the time. Through our playtime and the stories on TV this was portrayed as a completely innocent thing, unlike the distressing ordeal that it would be for somebody genuinely restrained against their will, more than likely fearing for their lives.

    Laura’s willingness and acceptance – This was all her idea and her attitude of willing submission continued to be evident throughout this play time. Her idea was to be tied to a lamppost outside my back gate and she actively and thoughtfully contributed to the discussion of what we should use to tie her. James went back to his place to find a skipping rope. My garage was open and I spotted a hose pipe, asking her if that could be used, and she seemed to say no. It was to be the skipping rope. She knew what she was doing - what would work and what wouldn't. James came back and tied her to the lamppost as she stood with her back to it, completely nonchalant then and after the knot was tied. This is a quality I’ve always looked for in hunting-and-seeking, in my drawings and generally in my fantasies.

    Our friendship - Laura was a close friend and everyone seemed to think I was in love with her and she often seemed flattered when somebody told her this. I got really embarrassed - possibly frustrated. I only liked her as a friend (I was only 4-6 after all!) but she was the nonetheless the closest female to me outside my family. I’m not sure if this is particularly significant, but it’s worth acknowledging when I reflect on this.

    No closure - To my disappointment, I remember the story being cut short as my older brother emerged from the back gate to inform me that our meal was ready and I had to come inside. The story went unfinished and we never ‘rescued’ Laura. I didn’t untie her nor did I see James untie her, though of course he must have done after I left. I can’t help but wonder if some of my more obsessive behaviours in the past have been manifestations of my desire for closure. Is my past obsession with finishing Naomi’s story a manifestation of Laura’s incomplete adventure with the lamppost?

    Not getting to tie her up myself – It was James who got to tie her up, not me. Throughout my life, I’ve had occasional dreams about bondage. As far as I remember, the recurring theme in all of them is that some female is about to give me the opportunity to tie them up but something happens to make it not happen. She changes her mind, somebody else ends up tying her up, there’s an interruption, or the dream just ends. Again, no closure. Are my dreams teasing my desire to finally restrain a willing participant? Who knows...

    Similar experiences – Laura was tied to a lamppost with her arms at her side. My fetish would later grow to prefer women tied to chairs and their mouths gagged. But in the earlier days seeing a woman tied to a pole was enough. Even before gender came into it a male character with arms tied at their sides had appeal. I wasn’t great at drawing back then but I would attempt to draw people this way. I would also tie up action figures or lego figurines by wrapping elastic bands around them. We had another pretend play where Laura and I pretended to be tied to poles even though we weren’t, just standing still with our arms pinned to our sides (and acting totally chill about the situation).

    It all feels significant and has done before I joined NoFap. Maybe it’s not… none of this is an exact science… but I can’t help but wonder if some of my more obsessive behaviours in the past have been manifestations of my desire for closure.
     
  5. Whatever we focus on is what will grow stronger within us until it overwhelms us. That can either be our sin or our Deliverer. The choice of what we focus on is ours.

    It is good to grapple with the past and learn from it what we can. It is not good to become fixated on the past and get stuck there. It is seldom helpful to go over minutiae from the past in painstaking detail. Learn and move on. Otherwise, such deep focus on sin will lead to an inevitable collapse back into it.

    The desire for "closure" is your addiction's desperate shouting to get what it wants after nearly 90 days of nothing (aside from whatever has been going on inside your head). It is a lie. Seeking this closure will only lead you right back into the pit. You'd probably be able to emerge from it once again, but why bother? There's nothing there for you but pain and death. (This is the truth; do you believe it?) And, one day, you will no longer be able to get back out. Indeed, all desire to do so will have left, and you will be nothing but an eternal slave to your appetites. This is the fate that awaits every addict who does not commit to doing whatever it takes to break free, no matter the cost they must pay.

    You are on a good path. Do not jeopardize it by playing footsie with sin. It seems alluring on its face, but it is nothing more than a grave.

    Proverbs 7
    Follow my advice, my son;
    always treasure my commands.
    2 Obey my commands and live!
    Guard my instructions as you guard your own eyes.
    3 Tie them on your fingers as a reminder.
    Write them deep within your heart.

    4 Love wisdom like a sister;
    make insight a beloved member of your family.
    5 Let them protect you from an affair with an immoral woman,
    from listening to the flattery of a promiscuous woman.

    6 While I was at the window of my house,
    looking through the curtain,
    7 I saw some naive young men,
    and one in particular who lacked common sense.
    8 He was crossing the street near the house of an immoral woman,
    strolling down the path by her house.
    9 It was at twilight, in the evening,
    as deep darkness fell.
    10 The woman approached him,
    seductively dressed and sly of heart.
    11 She was the brash, rebellious type,
    never content to stay at home.
    12 She is often in the streets and markets,
    soliciting at every corner.
    13 She threw her arms around him and kissed him,
    and with a brazen look she said,
    14 “I’ve just made my peace offerings
    and fulfilled my vows.
    15 You’re the one I was looking for!
    I came out to find you, and here you are!
    16 My bed is spread with beautiful blankets,
    with colored sheets of Egyptian linen.
    17 I’ve perfumed my bed
    with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.
    18 Come, let’s drink our fill of love until morning.
    Let’s enjoy each other’s caresses,
    19 for my husband is not home.
    He’s away on a long trip.
    20 He has taken a wallet full of money with him
    and won’t return until later this month.”

    21 So she seduced him with her pretty speech
    and enticed him with her flattery.
    22 He followed her at once,
    like an ox going to the slaughter.
    He was like a stag caught in a trap,
    23 awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart.
    He was like a bird flying into a snare,
    little knowing it would cost him his life.

    24 So listen to me, my sons,
    and pay attention to my words.
    25 Don’t let your hearts stray away toward her.
    Don’t wander down her wayward path.
    26 For she has been the ruin of many;
    many men have been her victims.
    27 Her house is the road to the grave.
    Her bedroom is the den of death.
     
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  6. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Thanks Tao. You know, this passage has never really resonated with me before but after close to 90 days of thoughts going all over the place it suddenly speaks volumes. I think I'll need to make this the focus of a memory exercise. Thank you :)
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  7. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Day 88 - 2 Fat Ladies!

    Stress: 3, Temptation 4, Motivation 8

    I have felt a lot better today. I honestly think Tao's sharing of Proverbs 7 had a significant impact on that... as if I was falling asleep until somebody threw a bucket of cold water over me. Thank you again :) I woke up early but did start memorising that verse. On my lunch break I mostly returned to memorising Romans to keep that up, but returned to memorising Proverbs 7, sort of. I remembered that I have an audio Bible on my phone and just started playing the proverb on a loop until I got home again.

    A very productive day, work-wise. Did a work-out just now but I am starting to tire of those mentally again. I've given running a temporary break again while getting back into the a bit of taking my lunchtime walks more seriously. I might see how my legs manage a run on Saturday.... we'll see.....
     
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  8. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Day 89

    Stress 4, Temptation 4, Motivation 9

    Had a 7am conference call this morning as multiple time zones were involved. A rough start but it kept me temptation free, as far as I can remember now! It turned out to be a very helpful call anyway and made for a good start to a good, productive day.

    I couldn’t do my walk and memory exercise at lunch though… due to poor planning regarding a work issue I wasn’t able to leave my work laptop. I ended up just playing PS4 while I kept an eye on it.

    Something about my usual post-lunch coffee today really hit the spot. I was totally in the zone… really really focussed. It led to multiple revelations regarding both work and NoFap.

    When I struggle to imagine life without PMO, I still imagine that at the very least, I’ll still be fighting even if I’m never completely free of it. So, somehow I can accept this, at least. Then it occurred to me that maybe this is because I subconsciously live for the moments I slip up. As difficult as resistance is, my flesh knows that when I slip up it will enjoy it... looking forward it it. So from the perspective of the flesh, not slipping up isn’t so bad with that in mind. Perhaps I struggle to imagine life without PMO because a part of me will always be hoping for failure…. and maybe I don’t have enough faith that God can pull me out of it completely. I need to meditate and pray on this more.

    During this same caffeine high it also occurred to me that during NoFap there have been those odd times where I’m aroused but I don’t feel it’s either the fetish or sex I want…. I’m aroused for something but don’t really know what. This was indeed one of those times too. It felt as though the inner beast at this point didn’t care what sexual indulgence I gave into as long as I gave into something.

    Maybe it was the coffee talking on both points, but I write them down here in case I come back to them!

    Day 90 tomorrow. I plan to write some reflections on this for those doing the 90-day challenge… what I’ve observed, what I’d do differently, etc. Though for me isn’t the 90 days isn’t the end goal in itself, I wish to encourage others that this common target is possible.
     
  9. That must feel good! Thanks for sharing brother!
     
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  10. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Day 90!

    Stress 7, Temptation 3, Motivation 7

    Well, here it is :) I posted in-depth reflections over in the success stories section, hoping it may be an encouragement over there also.

    Thank you to those of you who have been following, commenting and praying. I couldn't have made it this far without your support and I hope I may be equally of help to you in your own journeys.

    I still have much, much further to go, though.

    I was thinking I'd add some more reflections in my journal, more specific to the fetish, but I've actually been to busy for more in-depth reflection as I have another external deadline I need to work to. The first half of the coming week will be intense.

    I didn't find time for my run until the evening, after dinner. I very rarely run at such a time, but it was a nice change even though it wasn't very successful. I ran a different route too, and without music. It was peaceful, with not many people out on the route I took, and dusk gradually approaching. I ended up doing some of my quiet time sat outside my flat in the garden, just taking in the evening as I spoke to God.

    Hopefully I'll find time for more reflection tomorrow, but if not, it's over a week until I take a week's holiday.
     
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  11. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Day 91

    Stress 4, Temptation 4, Motivation 8

    I read another 90-day success story this morning, and the author seemed excited by their progress, which they have every right to be, of course! But it occurred to me that I'm not really that excited about mine. This may be because of the fact that I know the real end goal is a change of heart and that there is is still work to be done. It may also be because of the ways lust did nonetheless manifest itself or other grey areas where you wonder if something should count or shouldn't. Who knows? It doesn't really change anything if I'm not that excited... I still have the task of resisting every temptation that is thrown at me, through God's strength.

    Based on a different post by a different user I ended up having another idea that would please the flesh were I to give in again. Such moments are dangerous for me... temptation certainly spiked. However it seems to have abated as the day has gone on.

    I had to fill in for Sunday School today as the usual guy suddenly couldn't make it. I've been doing a lot of filling in lately... but it's not unexpected at my church at all. In small churches we are very dependent on each other, but it emphasises the familial aspect of church. I've been reminded through multiple people recently that I am God's child. It is His fatherly love I must cherish and turn to for safety, not the deceitful embrace of my fetish. This thought about family reminded me that fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ is another way to experience the pure things that God offers, nay intends for us. Indeed, being around people has often put me in a 'sober' state of mind with respect to temptations, and this is especially true of other Christians. I love the family of God so much.

    That said, it occurred to me today that I had been a bit judgemental about somebody today... somebody who God loves and seeks to be a part of His family. Somebody with troubles and struggles and whom I have made little effort for. I won't get into detail but sometimes I'm a bit cynical as to why some people visit my church and wonder if they have ulterior motives. Of course, sadly, there are occasions when this happens... but I'm far too quick to jump to such an assumption, especially when the people in question aren't doing any harm. They need God too, and I need to do my bit as a member of God's family and welcome them into it.
     
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  12. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Day 92

    Stress 6, Temptation 4, Motivation 8

    Despite all I need to do for my deadline, that's a surprisingly low amount of stress! Possibly because I'm learning to be kinder to myself and accept that I can't account for every possible outcome when I work on something. I will need to work this evening and this close to a deadline I break my usual rules and may work after 9pm. However, I'm more relaxed with how I pace myself. My break between normal finishing time and my evening start will be longer. I will start again when I am ready, no sooner.

    Had an okay run just now. I ran on flat, and it was kind of a dull route, but it mostly went well. I couldn't get uphill at the end but I feel that was more due to the heat than anything else. It's currently warmer than it should be for September, around 27oC, exceptionally odd considering we've had a relatively cold August. No 2 years' weather is the same in the UK!

    Temptations were so-so... I've had a mental image of an earlier drawing stuck in my head all day, but not strong enough to make the battle tough.
     
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  13. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Day 93

    Stress 7, Temptation 3, Motivation 8

    So… got a match on the dating app… first time in a while. No immediate sign that she shares my calling or could be open to it, but worth saying hi, so I did. I’m probably getting ahead of myself anyway… but I have been thinking that I guess it’s okay for me to get to know people a bit as long as I make the calling thing pretty clear early on. I’ll never know if others are open to it if I don’t get to know them, after all. It’s just that in my very limited experience of dating people seem to have different expectations of it, which can lead to miscommunication and pain. This makes me pretty anxious.

    Progress with my deadline but still lots to do. This combined with the heat today have made me lose my mind a bit, I think. Made some errors while driving and having returned from the supermarket I can’t seem to find some meat I knew I picked up at the supermarket! If it is in my car or flat somewhere it will probably spoil before I find it :emoji_face_palm:

    Anyway, aware that I’m not in a great state of mind, I’ll put off remaining work until after I’m done with all the other daily chores: posting here, eating, washing up, shower. This is how I did it yesterday and I actually felt pretty chill while working in the evening. I still made time for some gaming, time with God, and reading. I can’t sleep without some form of relaxation first.

    This should be the last evening of this, anyway. I still have some time tomorrow but I’ve been invited for dinner with church friends in the evening.
     
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  14. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    So I met my deadline, praise God! But at cost to my mental health, which I'm still feeling now to an extent. The difficulty is catching with other stuff I've had to put off in order to finish the main body of work on time.

    Day 94

    Stress: 8, Temptation 4, Motivation 8


    Temptations yesterday morning were different... and more 'normal'. I.E. for once I seemed to be thinking about nude women and not clothed women in bondage, as is the usual temptation. Of course I'd rather not be tempted at all. This sort of stuck throughout the day but it wasn't strong.

    My work was done in time for me to go see my friends in the evening, which was really nice. But I was tired for the drive home, so really I should have tried to get away sooner. I was later to bed than normal, too.

    Day 95

    Stress 6, Temptation 6, Motivation 7


    Today's been a bit weird. Woke up feeling the effects of having worked so hard... I had been sweating a lot overnight (very normal in times of particularly high stress or anxiety) and I felt less in control with respect to temptation. No major failings... but my will to overcome was noticeably weaker. I also felt like I had a slight cold. Again not uncommon in times of stress, so no exercise today. I want to feel better before going on holiday.

    Which, at the moment at least, is sort of another cause of stress, because I need to wrap various things up before then. I still need to plan a few things for it and also pack! But for now I'm going to have some much-needed time with God, because I have been putting that off.
     
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  15. One day at a time, one step at a a time, one thought at a time. This is how we get through. It is the only way. It is enough.

    Keep going. Keep taking the next right step.
     
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  16. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Day 96

    Stress 8, Temptation 7, Motivation 4

    Okay, still pretty stressed I guess. Motivation was difficult to muster considering how much I had been working, so catching up on the tasks that got left behind was tricky, and forcing myself to finish them created more stress.

    Temptations were pretty strong too... but I found myself able to stop and put myself in the position of my self after 'finishing', and how disappointed I would be in myself for failing and destroying all this hard work up to now. It was online material I was tempted to give in to, which is interesting because temptations during my recovery have been more for drawing or self bondage. I think it was online material this time because it's the hardest one for me to do without M. Once I M to videos online I lose myself. My mind is poisoned and shuts God off. The flesh knows this... and it's hoping I slip into this state of mind so it can have its way.

    It got me thinking... how Christ has opened the way to God... torn in two the temple curtain that used to separate us from Him (Mark 15:38)... and yet by losing our minds by giving in to the flesh it's almost as though we pull those curtains together again. When I think about this, it makes giving in seem scary. This thought has actually in recent years made it harder to shut God off when I give in and harder to enjoy the sin I'm giving in to. Even when I do mess up, it's reassuring to see my heart change to the extent that I feel this way.
     
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  17. Interesting thoughts.
    Yes we do shut our Heavenly Father off when giving in to our need of the flesh, and that may scare us to give in again.

    At the same time I seem to be afraid to grow closer to God, to become more pure, more holy, to let go the world more.
    This scarcity can be a reason at its turn to get our "sin pattern" alife, a way to "protect" myself against that what is the biggest enemy of my flesh, God Himself.

    My spirit is able to make the right choice knowing that it's better to suffer into the flesh, growing closer to God than keeping the delusion of the sin pattern alife.
    Once we have tasted how good the love of God is, we just want to give our entire heart to Him.

    The more holiness I experience, the less seduction I feel.
    The more I gave in to the seduction, the more foot I give to the enemy and the stronger the battle is to get rid of that foot and accusations.

    The blood of Jesus is really sufficient to set us free.
     
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  18. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Day 97

    Stress 4, Temptation 5, Motivation 5

    Falling asleep was tough last night, as an unexpected problem came up which I won't be able to deal with until after my holiday. Technically speaking I could have done it last night or this morning, but after the stress of the week and the desperation to just escape it all I really just couldn't deal with anything else. I was worried that I might not be able to sleep because of it... and I was incredibly tense. The temptation to relieve myself through MO was incredibly strong... I feared that I wouldn't sleep without it.

    I applied everything I had learned about mindfulness, and also reasoned with myself to reassure myself that the problem wasn't as bad as I perceived it to be. And this worked! I actually slept pretty well.

    I left this morning without dealing with it, and I'm now on holiday and feeling relaxed :) But very tired...

    I'm staying somewhere I used to live, so there are friends around. I went walking with some of them today, followed by a nice evening meal after. It's truly great to be back here.

    Walking back to the hotel I had to pass through town, just as people are starting to go out to bars etc. Many ladies dressed to please the eyes, so I had to be alert as I made my way back. Actually, waitresses at the restaurant where I ate were quite pretty too, and I caught myself checking them out.

    I will visit my old church tomorrow and catch up with a bunch of people. I will definitely go to the evening service but I'm less sure about going to the morning one also. The more I think about it, the more I think I probably won't do both. It was great seeing people today but I need to be careful not to overfill my social calendar. I'm an introvert and I get energy from time alone / from one-to-one time with God, especially after all the stress I have been under, so this will be my priority until the evening service, I think.
     
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  19. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Day 98

    Stress 3, Temptation 7, Motivation 5


    Motivation is tricky to rate at the moment as I'm on holiday and not meant to be working... hence the neutral 5!

    Temptation is tricky to rate today too. I haven't been great at eye discipline at all. My self control felt strong in the sense that the eye candy didn't fill me with desire to PMO... but nonetheless I lacked the self control to keep my eyes away.

    I went for a walk around lunchtime and there were quite a few ladies out running... female joggers (and women in gym/fitness gear in general) are a powerful trigger. Before my relapse with respect to the Damsel in Distress fetish (but not long before), I had intentionally searched images of women in the gym. Today I felt like I wanted to go back to that.

    Furthermore, where I'm staying is a student town. It's been a long time since I've seen so many young attractive women in the same place; many dressed in particularly alluring ways. Many young women at church too. Dressed much more modestly, thankfully, but still attractive. Went for a drink with a friend after church afterwards, but again found myself surrounded by temptation in the form of female students / young adults out enjoying themselves.

    I have gotten used to a much more secluded life during the lockdown and spending much more time around older, more mature people. I failed to appreciate how a holiday might drop me in more risky situations temptation-wise.

    In any case, it was great to catch up with people at my old church today. I'm always a bit shy returning to an old social environment, especially when not everybody I knew before would be expecting to see me. I always have this silly fear that they won't remember me, or won't care much to see me again. This often ends up being a ridiculous thought, as people I knew well were clearly pleased to see me. Another sign that I think too negatively of myself!
     
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  20. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    I think the human mind is a thought/emotion generating machine. It can generate good or bad thoughts in an instant. Would that it were possible to turn off the channel of evil thoughts with the flick of switch or the stroke of a few keys but this is not how our brains are trained. However, through consistency, that is a consistent follow through of focus on purity, the mind turns more and more towards God and slowly, frustratingly slowly, the signal from the evil channel is diminished. Be patient with yourself. We are reprogramming our brains after years of training it to think about unhealthy things. Be patient and be consistent with positive programming through daily prayer and contemplation on Our Precious Lord and you will find yourself healing a bit more each day. May the Holy Spirit bless you with His grace today!
     
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