Written Confession Detailing my Escalation

I had to get these words out somehow because for the past week, my brain has been cluttered with these negative thoughts and emotions inside of me 24/7. I need someone, even strangers if it has to be so, to read my regrets, not only so people know the vile shit I did but also so they know they aren't a bigger piece of shit than me.

My first encounter with PMO as a whole occurred when I was about 7-8 years old. I notice that a lot of these escalation stories tend to come from those who have undergone sexual abuse in their childhood of some sort, but not me. My mistakes stem purely from myself. I discovered I could ejaculate if I masturbated in a prone position with the pressure of my bed's mattress, and I found relief like no other. I must have masturbated every other day at such a young age, and with no sexual stimulus as well. Eventually this habit ebbed away, but I still did it from time to time.

Around the age of 13, I had discovered fanfiction and doujinshi (basically the manga form of hentai) before porn, mostly due to an unhealthy obsession of Japanese entertainment. That became my stimulus, and now I had a reason for jacking off. My prone masturbation returned twice as hard. I was reading some nasty stuff too (rape, bestiality, and weird monster shit tended to be the main genres). At some point, I quit reading the fanfiction and soon the hentai comics by convincing myself that real porn was better. I'd say by the time I hit 15, I had jacked off to videos of gangbangs, interracial sex, and even real bestiality. It had gotten so bad that one time, I stripped all my clothes and masturbated to those kind of videos and my parents caught me in the aftermath. Thankfully, they didn't know I was doing it to porn, and weird porn at that. I was crying telling them I wet the bed and they laughed at me, but really it was much, much worse. Didn't make much of a difference though, because knowing me, I got bored of regular pornography again and began playing sex games, LARPing as either a woman or man. If I didn't feel like playing with other people, that was okay for me too. Offline hentai games were equally good as a source of enjoyment for me. It didn't matter as long as I got my rocks off.

Through online research, I discovered that I had phimosis, likely due to these unhealthy masturbation habits. I learned about the concept of NoFap around this time, and learned it could be used as a solution for my phimosis. And it worked. I was able to pull back my foreskin. Unfortunately, once I did this, I didn't think to commit with NoFap. I missed the pleasure of prone masturbation. I mixed the habit of jacking off prone with jacking off with my hands. I also began frequenting escort pages as well, fantasizing the different number of women I could hookup with once I reached a legal age and could pay for them. And then the final chapter for me, webchatting.

Right when I went into college, I got addicted to Omegle. I think it's because I convinced myself that it was the closest thing to being with real women. I would literally rush to my dorm from class to find girls to sext with through Snapchat, and it worked somewhat. But then my brain needed a new sexual experience. Even though I would never ever consider myself bisexual, I hit up gay men on Omegle because I found men to be much more eager to sext with me, and I performed requests for them. I shaved my ass to appeal for them, I posed, I twerked, I fingered myself, I rubbed my own cum all over my body, and did many other things I regret to this day. It nearly progressed to me attempting to find men living near my area so that I could suck their dicks, but thankfully it never reached that point. After I ejaculated, I convinced myself it would be a one time thing, but I returned to it. Soon, I began roleplaying, as I had stopped sexting with guys and switched to pegging porn/roleplay involving humiliation. I had fun with pegging porn for a while, and as disgusting as it was, I found a strange happiness in the fact that I was at least jacking off to porn like a "normal" person and not webchats. This devolved to cuckold fantasies, and I went back to webchatting.

I started off pretending I was the alpha male "bull" in these chats and asking guys to send pictures of their girlfriends/wives, but it was pretty challenging. I was positive most of these guys were just ripping off pictures of women from the Internet, and didn't satisfy me enough. I switched to the "cuckold" position because I believed it would be easier to find guys trying to dominate, and it worked. I have had 2 or 3 girls interested in me before, but I've never in my life had the balls to do anything. So long story short, I'm a virgin and never had a girlfriend. It was difficult to kickstart a legitimate roleplay with these guys with this kind of situation, so I used the Instagram pictures of one of my classmates and lied and told them that she was my girlfriend. I jacked off to them insulting her, but I never felt humiliation as I was never attached relationship wise. I was seeking that. So then I came up with the most disgusting idea: use my mother's pictures for roleplaying. Again, I had never viewed my mother in a sexual light at the time and still don't, but the idea of humiliation and bullying intrigued me, so I sent ordinary pictures of my mother to strangers and had them say vile things about her. These guys talked about raping my mother and abusing her, and all my pathetic ass did was jerk off under my sheets, masturbating prone like the loser I am. I did this over the course of the past few months, and now I've come to a stop. That's where we are now. I've gone so far to the point where I did such a disgusting thing to my own mother, the woman who has doted on me and loved me unconditionally for all these years. I can't believe I can look at her eyes at all. I am ashamed of myself. Not to mention the poor girl I used the pictures for in my weird fantasies. I know she won't read this, but I'm sorry for violating you like this. You seem nice, and someone like you does not deserve that.

So far, it's been a week. After having disabled Omegle on both my phone and computer through blockers and forcing myself to focus on work and the gym, I've lost the urge to masturbate and don't seem to have any sexual urges at all. I ended up looking at porn out of worry that I couldn't get my dick up at all, but once I did, it got erect, and I closed out of the tabs since. I am disgusted by what I did to my mom, and I haven't told anyone any of these things because I know I'd be looked at differently. I'm unsure of where to go from here. I just don't want to be consumed with these thoughts of regret for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I talked to my dad and mom a little bit earlier today, and they noticed how depressed I was. It sucks to see them worry about me, because I want to confess everything I've done to them, knowing full well that if I did so it would drastically change our relationship for the rest of our lives. I'll have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life and I deserve to do so. What scares me the most is thinking about the future as well. I don't know if I'm worthy of being loved by another person seeing the way I have treated other people, especially the women in my life. The only way to find all this out is to heal, so I will continue and go cold turkey for as long as possible. Once again, thanks for the kind words and advice on someone like me.