Wtf am I doing?

When I realized that girls are not everything in life, I started to commit to things. Like exercise. I did workouts with 3 months plans.
Actually, I walk a lot, at least compared to most of the people that I know (I walk like ~8km per day). I don't have a car and that is the reason and I avoid to waste money in public transports.
As I told you, I improved myself. My body for example, I had a high body fat %, I looked like a fat bitch, with big ass, big hips. I looked like a sissy and to be honest I enjoyed to look like one for other reasons that I am working one. I managed to lose ~10Kg by lifting weights and running.

Social skills were improved because I pratice them at work. Looking at people in eyes (men or women), talking slowly, reading people, tried to be funny sometimes, etc.

But as I told you, I didn't give a shit. I just wanted to become that "Cowboy" guy that is all by himself and don't need friends and girls. I am actually good being all by myself.
The only thing that I can't control is that I get many times blushed when I am arround a cute girl or someone ask me shit like why I don't have a gf. Thankfully, nobody has ever asked if I am a virgin. My face would become red as the blood.

But what is the point of becoming a guy without feelings and wasting a life trying to become tough. As you said, I am just avoiding being hurt. This future is confy (not be a social guy at all).
But I don't want to have a dark like without any color.

 

I don't think that I said that I want a gf for the saking of having one. I just want girls to be part of my life. My life does not involve any girl. This is sadly fucking true. It is like living in a world where women don't exist at all. Of course, with the exception of my mother. And because I have a big round number of friends, 000000, It is very difficult to start anything.

Unfortunately, the more I post and the more I read, friends seem indispensable if I want to meet girls.

 

At this moment I don't have any hobby that involves people. I will try do find something that I would like to do. I can't choose hobbies just for the sake of meeting people.

PUA is one thing to consider because it works. But I will no try it yet, too soon. I don't even know where I can pick girls.

I think the pattern is: Improve youself, because by improving myself I am increasing my social circle.
The goal is not to have a friends or gf's but to increase social skills and give some joy to my life. By doing this I will probably become a happier person and friends will come naturally. Friends mean girls. Now that I have girls in my life I can talk with them and practice my social skills.

 

Sometimes I fear anxiety and depression. One of the reasons I became depressed when I was 23 years was because I felt anxiety for the first time.
I graduated, nice marks and nice jobs were easy to find. The problem was that I felt like I didn't get the advantage of my college time to improve social skills, have friends, meet girls.
Anxiety knocked my door and let it in.

Before getting anxiety, I thought anxiety was like getting nervous around girls or people. Getting nervous before doing a presentation, before a job interview.
But those are just small anxiety events that everyone has. Anxiety is much more than that, and I understand now that people suffer when they talk about real anxiety.
After some 3 months of anxiety, I started to feel that life is not worth it. What is the point of getting nice marks, nice job, bla bla, if you are not happy. That is when depression joined in. It is a real shit, heavy thoughts every day and feeling that we are in the brink of tears every hour. Hopeless shit.
Thankfully, I managed to tell myself that friends and girls are not everything in life and I am the most important human being and no one deserves me. This worked, for my surprise. Affirmations are a cure, believe me.

That is when I decided to improve my life (except for social circle).

I am 27 years old, almost 30. Times goes by with the speed of light. I have to act. I fear that anxiety can act first.

 

Yes, I am without PMO for 12 days. I see small benefits.

I catched girls looking at me. It is not a big deal, and I don't even know if they looked at me before. I just sense that they are looking and then I look at them xD (superpower)
I noticed that when I am arround many people, I don't gag like I did and I smile more.
When I am walking I walk with good posture and confident.

But it is not helping me to decrease my porn cravings. Actually they are increasing and I am having thoughts that are more deeper and "dangerous" to me.

 

I get morning woods but they are not about girls. I can't get hard without any help by just thinking about girls.
I can get it a little hard and get the O by imagining only girls, but I have to fap for a long time. It is like girls are not so exciting as they were.

 

Hope so. The problem is, I have been in pmo for 12 days and I feel like I am more at ease with myself, no anxieties or stresses. Of corse this can all be placebo. Anyway, it is the right path to meet girls and be more social.

But while NoFap I actually regret spending time in gym because of my porn "addiciton". I consumed a porn that emasculates me and I got hard with it (sissy porn). When I fapped I felt ridiculous and I just wanted to forget the sissy porn and toughts.

But because I don't see it or I don't fap to it for 12 days, my cravings are higher and I regret the time spent in gym because my brain wants me to be a sissy and not a moscular boy.

 

My low self esteem is strange. I see many boys (uglier tham me in my opinion), weaker than me (physically), dumber than me with hot girls.
I think "How the hell these guys have girls and I don't". I know that this sounds narcissist, but I am a douchebag sometimes.

But the fact that they have a girl and I don't, make me think that something is not right about me. And the fact that I am 27 and never had a girl...make everything (goals, jobs, dreams) insignificant.
I am not depressed, anxious or even lonely to be honest. But I fear that my life path is leading me to those 3 negative things.
I have to change it.