Yeah I'm Really In a load of shit

TLDR: I want to know how the hell people abstain from this for YEARS and YEARS when they have fetishes.

I honestly know that is what I need to do (abstain forever) but I dont know how to stop that long when I dont have a gf and I have so much work I want to do.

Please help me get to the next level. I have gone on a 90 day run and a couple 30 day runs in the past 2 years. My fetish is getting worse. I keep relapsing. I want to fuck all the time lol. (dont want to go into details on the fetish) How do you take this to the next level and go for a year run. I have web blockers and shit but of course I find a way around them.

__________________________________
So, I guess I really suck at this. I have these fetishes that have GROWN ever since I have become aware of nofap and started trying to abstain from masturbating and porn. I have gone on a 90 day run. and a couple 30 day runs in the past 2 years or so. but I relapse and the fetish gets worse. WTF. It really sucks man. I know this shit is ruining my life. I'm not going into details about the fetishes.

Like when I get triggered and think about the fetish and get in that addiction mode where my adrenaline is pumping and shit, I dont care about anything. All the reasons that I want to stop go out the window. I'm even consciously aware that I am going against what I said I was going to do earlier, but my thinking is "fuck it you will just look at it, it's what you want. you wont M to it I will just look at it I'm curious" and then I do it.

I feel like I'm facing an enormous challenge and I am a shit person for having to deal with this challenge and getting myself into this mess. I have dealt with people that have addictions. I had a gf that had severe alcohol problems. My version of that is this shit porn. I cant believe it lol. What the fuck. I hate the lingering effects of this shit. It's turning me into a shit person. I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out until this porn shit is over and I have gotten rid of it.

I am trying dating websites. they suck because the results are not immediate like PMO. All the girls as well have very provocative photos. When I dont get success at the end of the day I bury my head in porn.

I feel really fucked. I have tried webblockers but it doesnt work on my phone as I found a way around it. I dont know how to stop. I dont know maybe I need like an accountability partner or something. I am acting like a loser. I want to die.

I want to do big things with my life. But I want to FUCK so bad lol like all the time. It's hard to get work done. All I want to do is look at dating websites and message girls. It's hard to do any work. I'm so sick of my shit life. I fucked myself.

I'm guessing this is way too long so I wont get many replies, but it helps to just write this out anyway I suppose. Thanks for reading.

 

@AtomicTango yes that makes sense. like my brain cant think long term. i dont trust myself right now. I cant believe after all this time, and all that I have gone through I still fall into this stupid trap.

 

@AtomicTango yeah that's true, the hardest part is actually getting myself to do that every day. But i think i will have to make it a ritual to keep myself accountable. Yeah when the progress is right in front of your face every day it makes it harder for my mind to find excuses I'm sure. Its like the daily routine shit is the most important. Because we have to abstain every day, and not fall into the negative shit to get a good life. Daily routine is good. Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. I will journal.

 

Helpful post. Thanks.
This can be done!

 

yes.. after going 90 days the first time i ended up capping it off by getting laid and getting a gf, although it was a long distance relationship so it wasn't ideal. My goal is to improve socially and financially in these 90 days thereby not needing to ever go back to porn. That would be ideal. although I do not plan to go back regardless.

 

almost at 7 days. This is usually where i fuck up lol. I am feeling all of the great effects right now. increased energy and better mental cognition etc.

my phone is the main "leak" as far as using p. I just installed an app called offtime on my phone that basically restricts me from using the internet for a certain amount of time with the press of a button. This will at least give me a chance to let things cool down.


My other main leak is looking at google images which eventually escalates. The k9 web blocker doesn't prevent google image search. That is one of the biggest challenges. That is just pure willpower. cold turkey blocker cannot help with the image search either. If anyone has suggestions lmk. otherwise, i will simply stay away from it.

 

@MasterRoshi

wow yeah that's a lot of stuff you did. This fetish shit is serious stuff. I'm with you I know I need to stop all pmo in order to deal with the fetish, as I have never perused the fetish with an actual person. Although the fetish started from me messaging a fake dating profile. 6 months is great. I only went 90 days in the past. hope you get all the best in life.

Yeah I think i'm doing the same when you talk about the coping mechanism thing. I was on dating websites and classified ads and such today but didnt escalate to pmo like I usually do. When I was on the dating websites I had this feeling of like.. wow this again.. I'm a loser right now. All of these fake profiles, I message them but I know they are fake but I pretend they are not for a second just because it feels more exciting. I moved back in parents place for like 3 months and haven't gotten any sex since, partially because I have no job and my direction in life is kinda ambiguous. Getting better though trying to be disciplined.

I am so impatient. I consciously know that that in order to be attractive to women and get my social life together, I have to get a place of my own and get some direction/independence/self respect/income/direction/go out, but my reptilian brain just wants to say "fuck all that and do whatever the hell I need to do now to get laid RIGHT NOW with NO EFFORT, or at the VERY LEAST submit yourself to a visual illusion on the computer and PRETEND like you are having sex" lol.

Luckily I have stayed away from escorts thus far in my life and only mindlessly browsed and messaged dating profiles and classified ads. Such a waste of time.

I understand about the revealing fetish thing. From what you are saying I might need something similar to what you mentioned (rigerous honesty/journaling etc.) I'll see how this run goes. If it doesnt work out then I will probably tell all, and possibly escalate to therapy if it gets worse.

 

Man you are ready. Seriously, your insight into your addiction is more than sufficient. You understand exactly what is going on and what you need to do. You know where you want to be and who you want to become, most importantly your starting to see how ridiculous and ugly this thing is. Breaking the illusion. You might not see the progress outwardly yet, but inwardly, consciously, you are displaying knowledge and self analysis. That is BIG! Please see that streaks are great but the goal is improvement.
(Change in mindset, self critique & even posting your problems are a progress.)

The thing is dude, are you ready to let go? Because i did the same thing for years. I would do little streaks, act like i didn't want it, when secretely i still did. I liked the idea of it, even though i knew the reality of it was always disappointing and unfufilling.
Your in love with the idea still. It still holds value to you and so your going to continue to struggle with letting it go. Only when you're absolutely fed up with it will you start doing anything to rid yourself of it.. like a parasite that drains your potential and love.
Reading lol after each paragraph and talking about your escapades on personal ads mixed in with a little "but im really sick of it." Doesn't sound like someone who's so fucking sick of porn that they can't stand it.- im not trying to judge you brother thats just my interpretation of your post. It sounds like you take it half serious, not fully ready to let go, so your gonna get half results.
Sorry if that's a bit harsh man. . I just wanna be real w/ you. I've been on NoFap for the better part of my 20s now and the shit is hard. It's not easy and i played that 1 foot in 1 foot out game for wayy to long before i took myself and this vicious ugly thing serious. I hope i can save some people some time is all

 

Thanks yes I understand more than before as far as the addiction just from failing so much lol.

I understand why you would think that regarding the tone of my post. I agree with your post. In the past yes I definitely did the same thing with the one foot in and one foot out. Like the exact same. However, I am pretty serious about this one. The last relapse I had (10 days ago now) I was like "I want to die, I dont know what to do" in my head. I tend to edit things in my posts so that it is a little bit more positive, and not just presenting myself as just a hopeless sob story. I dont want to make anyone else feel really down by reading and I know that I am in control of my life and can beat this shit if I really am serious about it and I am not hopeless, but I lacked the knowledge or the commitment to manage the addiction. That is why I reached out. This is the first time reaching out for help on nofap, rather than reading other's stories or posting advice. Which leads me to ultimately agreeing with your post. If I want to get rid of this I need to be serious and make a real decision and every day do what I gotta do and handle the pain and pressure and doing the work no shortcuts.

JOURNAL PART NOW...

This streak is off to a good start so far. I have actually went a week n' a half, a great improvement in the scope of the last month or two. Feel more competent in general. More energy and managed to avoid the Sunday one week temptation period where I usually fail. although still need to work on building routines and going to bed on time. Want to make sure that I am improving as a person, and not just replacing one addiction for another. Got to watch drinking and eating bad shit. Got to keep exercising. Got to journal all the time and keep building. good perspective and graditude. When I get lazy and dont work on shit nad dont do habits I just become a stupid lazy angry person lol. Podcasts in the car have been tremendous. Its like you have to work to build yourself up into who you want to be, otherwise you will just hand over the keys to your average default reptilian brain self that just wants to do nothing and look for the most bullshit ways to get serotonin and ultimately be a coward and avoid reality.

I was sitting at a bar and I realized that I could build anything I want to upwards, as long as I put in the work. For a lot of things in my life I have been looking for the shortcut to things. When you do that you get the superficial version of it and are ultimately unsatisfied. Like PMO. BUT if you really build things up and do all the required tasks and focus and take all the pain and pressure that comes with it, you can accomplish anything. I suddenly stopped worrying so much about what the people around me thought about who I was. I felt excited just to do shit. I wanted to go home at that moment and start working on it. because like wow you can really get anything and build awesome shit if you put in the work.

 

You are EXACTLY right. The real secret to us is in our thoughts. Just that, our thoughts. They dictate and decide every single thing around us. That saying when you change the way you see things, the things you see change, is much more literal that most can even fathom. You can literally, in small quantum ways, begin to change the reality you exist in when you change the way you think.

Check this audio book i think your gonna love it. It's truly remarkable the things this guy discovered.
Napolean Hill: Interview with the Devil

Also beware the booze brother, it has lead me to several bad relapses. It's truly an enemy imo

 

yeah man I read that. negative thoughts are the devil. maybe ill read it again. if you have any other recommendations let me know

 

yeah i got to stay away from alcohol. I need to keep exercising and engage socially with people in a healthy way to blow off steam. Been watching movies as well. Ultimately I need to channel this energy into productive things. That will get me over this hump and into better shit.