Years since I joined. Starting journey now.

Hi guys,

Shit. I knew I had a problem years ago. I've been watching porn since I was about 14 or 15. I'm 29 now. I remember when I first found out my crappy GPRS-enabled phone could view grainy images on the web. I would spent hours (after everyone had gone to bed) looking at pictures and jerking off. As technology got better, I went deeper. I must have been about 21 years old when I experienced my first ED. I didn't know WTF had happened. My girlfriend came around in the morning and wanted some loving and my guy just wouldn't play along. I still remember how devastated I felt. I've been balding since I was about 20, so for my penis to go limp on me, I honestly felt like the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Thankfully, the problem persisted for a few weeks and then it fixed itself.

I didn't really have long before the next issue made itself known - intrusive thoughts. Do any of you have this shit? Because I had been watching porn for so many years, the kinds of porn I watched became gradually more lewd. Around this time, I had just found my way into the dark, guilt-laden yet alluring world of transgenders. I enjoyed it more than I thought I should have. So, the intrusive thoughts - I started wondering if I was gay. It was the most random thought ever. It just popped into my head one day, most likely because of the transgender porn I had been watching. But it rattled me so that I fell into a crazy depressive episode. I had never experienced depression before. I had no clue how to deal with the shit storm I had found myself right at the centre of. I didn't think I could talk to my friends and I sure as hell didn't want to talk to my girlfriend about it. I made an appointment to see a psychologist.

I could give you the entire break down but it was really just loads of visits to various psychologists and a psychiatrist, which were dispersed over a 5 year period. The fear of being gay subsided (though not entirely - I'm open to growing an understanding with my mind, body and spirit that supersedes the societal ideas inherent in heterosexual monogamy) but the struggle with porn did not. I loved porn. I was willing to recognise that it was the problem but I never put in enough effort to stop watching. It was only when I started to piece together my string of failed relationships (after the aforementioned girlfriend) as having been a result of my addiction that I recognised I needed to do something. I am currently in a relationship with the most amazing woman I have ever known. I say this with the utmost admiration and not a hint of hyperbole. She has stood by me through all the shit my addiction has manifested in my life, even when she didn't fully understand what I was going through. I was conflicted by thoughts of not being attracted to her, not loving her, wanting to be with other women; the usual spiel of an 'uncommitted' man. But I loved her. No matter how dangerously close I got to leaving her because of my mental jabber, I never cheated on her. I loved her more than I did myself, which is never a good thing - your love for yourself is the greatest gift you can give to anyone. But because I loved her as much as I did, even though I imagined I might be happier elsewhere, I couldn't make sense of leaving her and breaking her heart, especially when I had begun to understand that my emotional turmoil was a result of the perversion of my mind, not because of any failings on her part.

I am here today because I hope to find support from likeminded individuals. I have given my energy over to porn for nearly half my life. It has taken from me things I should have been holding onto so I could share it with a real woman who was able to reciprocate the purity of what I was trying to express. Every woman that I have 'slept' with - sometimes more than ten a night - has no idea who I am. Their lives are devoid of any knowing of me or my issues because of the unhealthy relationship I fostered to images and videos of them. I have set myself free from my addiction to their bodies. I have chosen to elevate myself above a mere physiological experience so that I may be able to share in a spiritual encounter with the woman who I love and who loves me. I will support all of you through your journeys, just as I look to you for support through mine.

Thank you for reading. Bless!

 

Hey man,

Thanks for your message. I am confident I will be able to stick to the helpful methods on the site.

Cheers!