Yep, it's PIED...my long but well-written story of excessive drugs and tugs

Hey gang,

I'm relatively new to NoFap and forum participation. I've created this thread to share my story and hopefully start a conversation. I apologize in advance for the length but I feel that being as thorough as possible for my first post would be the best service to this forum. So, I'll just jump right in...

I first watched P probably around the age of 12-13 but didn't really have unlimited access (family computer, dial-up modem, P that required downloading, etc..). However, it's safe to say that I didn't miss many daily M sessions. Like many, I was a horny little guy.

I had an odd introduction into dating. I had my first kiss and lost my virginity in the same year, when I was 14. I didn't have sex again until I was 16. I had plenty of "flings" but never (to this day) have been in love. I was pretty insecure in those days. Throughout my late teens and 20s, I became more involved with partying and drugs than dating, so most of my sexual experiences in those days were pretty underwhelming/discouraging. I just sucked at it. I don't think I had truly enjoyable sex until I was about 27.

Although my memories of those days are quite hazy, I believe that I started getting more consistently into PMO around the age of 22, but it could've been earlier than that. I go with 22 because that was my first time living alone with high speed internet access and P tube sites. This was also the year of my life when I began my other serious addiction: opiates. During the 5 years that I was on/off opiates in all forms, I think I was using PMO probably 3-5 times a week on average. Certain times (especially during opiate withdrawal) I would use daily and sometimes 2-3 times daily. Opiates pretty much replace your libido when you're actively using them, so I don't think I was very consistent with PMO during those times...but again, my memory of those times was definitely skewed by my drug habits. I would get clean, relapse, and repeat (mostly on heroin in the latter days of my active addiction) quite a few times before successfully quitting opiates at 27, after moving across the country and starting a new life from scratch.

I had absolutely no P or even reliable high speed internet (I moved to a rural, mountainous area on the west coast of the US) for about the first year living here. After about a year, I moved into a new place in which I had free, high speed internet access. That's where I believe I got back into a more consistent PMO habit. I was using it on an almost nightly basis and sometimes even during the day. However, over the last few years, I've been the most sexually active (like, with real gals) than I had ever been before. I had a couple year-long "relationships" (open, sex/fun centric, emotionally cautious, etc...) in which my sexual confidence grew. Even though I was still using PMO when I was without there company for a few days here and there, I felt like I was at my sexual peak. However, in retrospect, I think this is when I started experiencing very subtle PIED.

Fast forward to about a year ago:

I had a random-ish one night stand with a friend. The sex wasn't terrible but I could tell I wasn't performing at the level I had become accustomed to. Pretty sure she noticed too. Not thinking anything of it, I went on with my normal habits, which consisted of nightly PMO sessions. Then, Covid-19 hit. Not only was I PMOing on a nightly basis, but the thought of meeting a new gal to date seemed unlikely. Small town + quarantine = lonely times. So, for close to a year, I once again relied heavily on PMO as my only sexual outlet. Sidenote: I believe this is when I started edging more and lengthening the sessions but never more than an hour or so.

In October 2020, I met a gal who I actually really liked. We went on a few dates and had a great time together. The first night that we actually hooked up, we tried having sex. It was almost a complete failure. I could only get maybe 50% hard and even that only lasted for 20-30 seconds at a time. Tried again the next morning, same thing. We chalked it up to nerves as it had been a while for both of us. A couple weeks later I spent the night at her place and we tried again. It was even worse than the first time. Pretty humiliating, especially when you see the disappointed look on their face once they realize it's not gonna happen.

After the second failed attempt, I knew something was up with me. The next day, I started doing a bunch of research and stumbled upon NoFap. Oddly enough, I had already begun cutting back on P a few weeks prior since I was starting to attempt to clean up my lifestyle (yoga, meditation, healthy eating, etc..) and P didn't quite fit my idealized version of that lifestyle. However, after not watching P for maybe 4-5 days, I took the "P test" to determine if I had PIED. I became rock hard almost instantly, before even clicking on a video. I was pretty much convinced in that moment. It was a bizarre emotional mixture of feeling relieved and borderline suicidal at the same time. Indeed, a tough pill to swallow. I was hoping to talk with my new partner and explain what was going on, but unfortunately, I was understandably cast into the friend zone before I had the chance to do so.

That brings me to present tense in this journey:

I'm now 32 and started NoFap in early Nov 2020. Since then, I've had 3 PMO relapses (all within 10 days and were brief sessions) and probably 6-8 MO slips. I'm currently on my longest streak of no PMO, which is just past 21 days (I'm not really into adding the pressure of counting days so I apologize if my timeline is a bit vague at times). On top of yoga, meditation, healthier diet etc...I've added home interval training (no weights or props, just body resistance) 5x weekly, cold showers after almost every workout, and breathwork.

Even though that was quite a lengthy post, I have so much more I could share. Sorry if the drug stuff seemed irrelevant but I believe that P and drugs are quite similar in their affect on the brain and I hope to speak with others who have experienced both forms of addiction. Although I plan on doing some follow up threads to share my progress, please feel free to ask any questions or leave comments if you feel I've left out any info that you would find helpful.

I'm going into this assuming that it will be a lengthy recovery based on the damage I've done to my brain throughout the years but I'm also leaving myself open to be surprised by a relatively quick recovery. All I plan on doing is trying my best and riding it out. The human mind is an incredibly complex portion of our illusion/life experience and I imagine that no two NoFap success stories will ever be the same. Hopefully mine will eventually be of service to others.

I'm grateful to have found this community of people who are experiencing similar challenges...challenges that are not easy to talk about in most other places. Furthermore, I'm grateful for such an intensive, catalytic experience. Although it will undoubtedly be painful, the only guaranteed outcome will be growth. I've already noticed an improvement and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. If you made it this far, thank you for reading my story. I'm eager to connect and answer any questions that I can. Or just chat and make friends.

Peace and love -K