Yet Another Porn Widow (my journey)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by alphazingersalsa, Jul 8, 2019.

  1. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Reposting Here...

    I’m 38 years old, about to divorce a marriage just a few months shy of 10 years.

    We have a beautiful 8 month old daughter.

    Here’s my story, and it’s a long one so please bear with me!

    I met him when I was 24. He was perfect to me! After a string of “bad boys” and player, there he was, a gentle soul - kind, caring the one who would do anything for me. Treated me
    Like his princess!

    I’ve always been sexually confident and open, as one might say. I enjoyed sex and had no qualms talking about it. We had a fantastic sex life dating! It was amazing what he would be up for doing to keep our relationship
    Spicy! We’d talk about sexy women and at one point, he’d send me photos of
    Sexy models he said reminded him
    Of me. I didnt think of anything of it, in fact,
    I was flattered!

    2 years into dating, he moves to the US and we started a long distance relationship. It wasn't without struggles, for sure! I always wanted
    To talk to him
    Via
    Webcam and phone. I noticed
    Him
    Being lukewarm in our calls and I chocked it up
    To him enjoying his newfound career in the US. As years went by, I became
    Anxious. Who wouldn't be? A long distance relationship, separated by oceans and 14 hour time difference? I was approaching my late 20’s and wanted to settle down.

    Fast forward - we had a fun-filled planned wedding in Vegas, with just our closest friends and relatives.

    He was my home, I always said. I felt
    Safety in his presence.

    Sex was great married!

    Until a few months later.

    We’d go on without sex one week, then two...Then more...

    He said he was tired. I get it! American life - we had no help, we had to do our
    Own chores on top of our jobs (we had help in our home country) so, sure I get he was tired. On top of that, the reality of being married - paying bills, etc. It was the thick of the recession and he was the sold breadwinner then. Maybe it was that.

    Newly married with nothing much to do in our studio apartment when he was at
    Work,
    I logged in
    To his laptop one day and found links
    To escort sites! I ignored it. Maybe it was from the time
    We were still dating long distance? I thought to myself, I’ll give
    Him
    That. I did ask him
    About it, he said it was
    For research bec they were planning a bachelor’s party.

    I finally found a job in retail. Perhaps me helping out a bit financially will reignite our sex life? Unfortunately it did not, I
    Told myself it was due to the erratic work schedule. I too was tired!!

    Finally found a 9-5 job. Maybe this would reignite our sex life! Unfortunately, we had to
    Move 50
    Miles for this for me
    But he kept his job. So thats a 50
    Mile one way commute for
    Him
    Daily. To add to that, we were
    Trying for a baby and could not conceive. Sex had to be timed perfectly. That alone was stressful.

    We conceived in late 2014
    But that one ended in a miscarriage. Infertility struck us and it made me
    Miserable and sad.

    Anniversary 2016. We had a nice dinner and some wine. I rested
    For a bit in our bedroom while he watched TV. After resting a bit, I checked on him and our dog only to find him watching porn in our 65 inch screen TV. You can imagine our anniversary didn’t turn out well. His reason for that - “we were talking about it at work, like guys do and I was curious”

    2017, still no baby, I decided to go see a specialist. Doctor said I had issues so that was yet another heartache to deal
    With. March 2017, I got hold of his phone and found a snapchat account I did not know about and he’d been viewing these sexy models. I was livid!! This was the time I asked him if he had a porn problem. I was still scarred from seeing him
    Watch porn during our anniversary! He was angry that I insinuated he had a porn issue and was upset that I could not let go of the porn incident that happened months ago! He said he would see a therapist for his “problem” because I thought he had a “problem”. He did not follow through and
    Did not ask because he’s always blow up when asked about porn.

    Going thru infertilty treatment was stressful. I get it, how can sex be fun if it had to be timed and it involved
    Him jerking off into a cup once in a while. He thought it was awkward to do so. In my head, “we do what we need to do for a baby, right?”

    2018, after 3 treatment cycles we conceived. Thank goodness!

    We were blessed! Everything was good timing. He was approaching his 1st year in his new job that cut his commute time
    In half.

    Around July 2018, around 5 months pregnant, they had a volunteer project at work. He said hed come home late because they had to pick up materials they had found in craigslist. I wasnt happy but whatever.

    He also had to work
    Weekends. Sure.

    I checked our phone records and found he’s been texting with a coworker consistently.

    He said it was for the project.

    That was the beginning of the end. I was very jealous - like I’ve never been before. Id snoop around - which was uncharastaristic of me. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones?

    Fast forward: baby was born, he was still messaging with coworker (by this time i was called unreasonably jealous - almost “psycho”) and in my snooping found out hes been watching chubby women try on clothes in youtube...which led me to check his laptop which led me to the x drive: a drive with meticulously saved porn videos dating back to 2012.

    This IS a problem.

    That was December. Our relationship
    Was on the rocks because of the coworker (for me) and “lack
    Of trust” (for him)

    I did not comfront him about the porn unti January. When I did he grabbed me by the shoulder and shook
    Me. No remorse in his eyes. His eyes seemed empty. He said he doesnt have a problem.

    Shortly after that, he said he was done with our marriage. Done with trying to please me
    When he can never (he wasnt as affectionate and sexual and was withdrawn and I was upset). Done with me not trusting him. “trust
    Is gone”, he says. And he only looked at porn to feel better ablut himself because I made him feel
    Inadequate.

    Around two months ago, we had been sleeping i separate bedrooms at this point, I was still snooping and found his old
    Cloud drive. There it was files dating back
    To 2004 (just before we started dating) Starting from
    The photo of the sexy women he had sent me when we were still dating. There were ads for escorts too - downloaded when we were dating long distance and throughout our marriage! (Last download of add was around 2016)

    I confronted him about this,
    Telling him, clearly its not my fault anymore and it really is an issue because it predates our relationship. I said, I should have seen it the moment he sent me photo of that slutty model. “Did you complain then?”, he asked
    With rage. “I didn’t but...” “Did YOU complain then?! He interrupts asking louder. “No, I didn’t but...” “DONE!” He yells with
    Rage in his eyes.

    Im angry, hurt, and all other things. But I’ve a baby girl and She needs a strong mother so i fight thru daily. I did not want divorce but I cant have our daughter see emotional
    Abuse as an example...

    Im still hoping for a miracle. If not the restoration of our family, but for his healing - so he can be a father. (He seems
    Withdrawn even to her)

    Couple of other things
    - More than the material itself, what
    bothers me is how he
    So meticulously saved his files by “artist”. You know how Patrick Carnes
    Says its about the process more than the orgasm...I suppose that is it.
    - Discovered last week that he has an instagram
    Account where he follows the same women he watches in you tube. Augh, it’s disturbing as sh*t. Yes, it’s technically not porn but it’s downright creepy how he
    Likes
    To follow and watch these big busted, thick women try on clothes.
    - What also disturbed me was he saved the link to a site called “Drunken stepfather”. That sent shivers down my spine. We have a daughter. What the hell is wrong
    With him?
    - He and his mom
    Are convinced I’m the problem and cause of his
    Misery and hence, the breakdown of
    Our marriage. Porn is not the issue. (“porn is not even worth discussing” says his
    Mom)
    - He hates me and said, “If it were
    Up
    To me, I want YOU gone” when I said, Im
    Not intentionally keeping his daughter away from
    Him
    But in wanting the divorce and he tellinge “she’s all yours!” He is displacing his daughter from
    Her
    Home
    And comforts (divorce will put us in bad
    Spot financially)

    Oh, will this ever end?

    Thank you for your time.
     
    Nugget9, LoudSilence26 and Sir Minato like this.
  2. Cool I Can Use Spaces

    Cool I Can Use Spaces Fapstronaut

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    I read it all.

    It’s unfortunately the same in many of the SO stories. Porn addict changes from being a good man into a monster.

    Lots of support here. Many women are going through the same exact thing. I’m sure they can be a good support and give good advice as you go through this difficult time.

    Glad you found the site.
     
    Sir Minato and goodnice 2.0 like this.
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. There are lots of us here. You are not the problem. You are correct in wanting to protect your daughter. Please trust your instincts, they are often times correct. Gain as much knowledge as you can. You have my support in your journey through this addiction. Just please remember that his issues are his to deal with. You must look after you and your daughter.
    Prayers sent your way.
     
    Sir Minato, +TenPercent and Square79 like this.
  4. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    We live in a beautiful hillside community with access to open spaces. I’ve fond memories here - our first night in the empty house when we got the keys...Sharing our plans and dreams for the house...Walking our dog enjoying the scenery. Moving to the house, fixing everything...So many dreams...

    But, it pains me that this time, next year this home will not be ours as we need to sell it. It pains me that I will need to move to a different state for our daughter and I to even survive. It pains me that soon, I will be a single mother.

    Porn Kills Love.
     
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  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Most definitely. Porn Kills everything .
    I’m so sorry it seems you are going on a similar path as I . ❤️
     
    Sir Minato likes this.
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey...and me too. We are all going through the same thing. It sucks. Yes porn kills everything.
     
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Shit we should start an army .
     
  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Lol...I think I posted that once on someone’s page. We are stronger than we know and smarter than we think. If we all got together we would be one incredible army of powerful women.
     
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  9. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    I wish an addict can answer my questions.
    1. Will he ever recover - I’m not expecting our marriage to be restored (that would be great!) but I would love for him to be part of our daughter’s life - and not withdrawn like he is now.
    2. I wonder what he feels when he sees our baby...
    3. Why does he hate me so much.

    I feel like
    I have a gun to my heas going thru this divorce. I cringe at the impact of this divorce to our finances. He did not think. Even he is going to be in financial jeopardy.

    And oh, he said he can only pay Less than HALF
    Of what the state recommenda to pay for child
    Support...

    HE DID NOT THINK. HE DOES NOT THINK.
     
    Sir Minato likes this.
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    He does not get to pay less than half. The law is the law. It based on income so he'll have to pay the same percentage no matter what he makes. However, some men will intentionally make less so that they can pay less, because in their minds they are not shelling out as much. But percentages dont work that way and in the end they are hurting their kids more than anything.
     
    Sir Minato likes this.
  11. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Safe place.


    You were my safe place. You were my home.

    Today you are all that I fear.

    Deceit

    Lies

    Secrets

    Abuse

    Cold, dark remorse, meaness in your eyes.

    A demeanor that holds no empathy for the deepest pain caused by YOU
     
  12. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

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    Hello, I'm really sorry about what you're going through.
    He could - but the first step has to be accepting that he has a problem. Unfortunately, it sounds like he isn't anywhere near that point...
    Who knows? PMO dulls the senses...
    Possibly because PMO has twisted his mind so much that he doesn't think you're enough anymore. In a sense, he's sort of losing his grip on reality. Real women will never be enough for him...
     
  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Excellent poem and very true
     
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  14. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry to read it. It really hurts.

    I am a mother of two young children and I know it is like.

    Unfortunately. As long as he doesn't see HE has a problem with porn, there is nothing that can be done.

    Save your daughter, save you.
    Don't teach her it's okay to be emotionally abused.
     
  15. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Erase, Delete

    His “treasure trove” of porn videos is saved in our network hard drive and is accessible thru our smart TV. I’ve made a video of all this madness (essentially an video of me navigating
    Thru the folders thru the tv) as a back up just in case, one day, his family and friends vilify me and say I’m crazy. While is mother thinks it’s “normal”, I’m sure there’s one female friend or family member who will agree that it is a HUGE problem.

    It’s really eerie how he’s saved all this stuff. The folders are carefully labeled by the initial of the artist “ADL” (Angel de Luca) or source “MPV” (MomPov). More than the content, what creeps me out is how he carefully saves it. I wanna call an FBI profiler to have him assess my PA hub! LOL

    I’m oftentimes tempted to delete all those files and want to see how he will react upon losing his treasures. Then again, I also want to keep it for OTHER folks to see.

    Do you think he’ll go nut or will he quietly stew in misery?
     
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  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Every laptop found I have taken . FOR ME . It had very little to do with him . Just be ready for the impact of deletion if that’s what you do . It will either be a seething quiet rage , a loud smashing rage or he will relent . Or none of the above . Every single PA reacts differently.
     
  17. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Square79 and testwarz like this.
  19. testwarz

    testwarz Fapstronaut

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    Welcome and know that we here are hurting and learning from your frank and honest accounts... Hearing how important sex life is to you reinforces how selfish and counter to human instinct PMO is... I’m on day 40 and completely hard mode and only let myself fantasize about a girl that I’m getting to know. I know we will have amazing sex since she will be the only stimulation.. the part about the neat porn folders is eerie but sadly common. When you have 100gb or more of files it makes it easier to find... All my porn is deleted but I kept 1 clothed picture of a porn star that I followed. It’s a sad pic coz she died of a drug OD. Harsh reality...
     
  20. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    After some procrastinating, we discussed the divorce. What’s happening is we are trying to agree to the terms before he files for it. He basically agrees to all i requested.

    He is now pounding to my head that everything is

    ”my terms”—-“it’s ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!”

    Every time he says this, I say, first of all, I never wanted this divorce - YOU did!

    A lot of our discussion was via text.

    I initiated a face to face convo about this and as expected, it did not go well. He kept on saying: “it’s always what YOU want!!”

    I pointed it out again, “YOU wanted this divorce! I am responding accordingly given the circumstances”

    Then he yelled: “okay! Okay! yes I did want it you don’t have to repeat it again and again!! You always need to push my buttons”

    what am I missing here??

    isnt it but fair to choose terms that will benefit me too? He said he wants this divorce for his freedom and sanity...I never wanted it! Why is it so bad that I am making decisions that I feelis best for our baby and I?
     
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