Yet Another Porn Widow (my journey)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by alphazingersalsa, Jul 8, 2019.

  1. My heart goes out to you! Reading your posts, I hear the genuine love and desire. I hear the pain, the hope, the courage. My story comes from a foundation of faith in God, and going though all this has caused a lot of confusion and even more pain. I went into marriage with my 'Christian' husband thinking that we shared the same values, and believing he was a man of integrity. It's not that none of that was there, but there was lies from the beginning. This addiction starts like a small drop of poison (even an innocent child curiosity, but often a way to cope or fill a void), and grows and grows into something so distorted and dark. From my perspective, sex, marriage, family is designed to be something precious, good, fun, connecting and not shameful. Sadly, this addiction distorts that beauty so much. Many don't know they are settling for something so much less, or that there is hope for something so much better. Have your heard the story of the seal and the puddle? The seal lived in a puddle. It was cool, familiar, and all he knew. There was promise of something called the 'ocean' but the seal did not want to leave the comfort of his puddle. I see the struggle kind of like this. Some choose to cross the dessert, and do the work of recovery to discovery the freedom, and joy that the journey to the 'ocean' brings. Some never do.
    The thing is, sobriety is just one part of the journey for the one struggling with addiction. True recovery involves getting out of denial (BIG ONE), getting help and support, understanding the cycle of addiction, getting sober, going deeper into the why, and learning new healthier ways to care for self and show up in life. Recovery for those betrayed takes a lot to in order to heal. Relational recovery only works if both people are willing to work really hard.

    I remember so vividly similar thoughts and feelings as I cried out to God with my baby in my arms and other two children in another room after discovery. My body flooding with whatever kicks in just to survive physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Hang in there. I too will continue to pray for you, your daughter, and for him. I have heard of stories of couples divorcing, and years later after real recovery getting back together. In this unknown, I pray for HOPE and HEALING no matter the outcome. You are not alone. Someone prayed for me in the thick of it, that even though it so very hard right now, God is there with you. He does give MANNA each day. Sometimes it is just enough. May you rest in that as you take it one day at a time. I don't know if you are struggling with this, but I struggle with trusting God now, and believing in His goodness especially when in a lot of pain (I think it is that I am having to learn to trust myself). It helps leaning into what I absolutely know to be true for me, and my individual relationship with God.

    So true what others posted above about an army of courageous SO's. We are all broken in this messy world, but I have to say every SO I have met going through the trauma of betrayal has a deep down source of courage, and strength. I think I somehow appreciate the 'little' things in life that much more. A cold glass of water, the beauty of nature, the genuine laughter of a child, etc. May you find sweet moments in each day that remind you that, yes, beauty still exists. This does not take away or minimize the pain, but helps make from one moment to the next.
     
  2. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Extremely beautiful post... Yes, a lot of discernment is needed before entering into marriage, because this person is (ideally) who we will be spending the rest of our life with, and with whom we will be becoming "one flesh".... Unfortunately, in this modern world, many people are not prepared and fit for marriage... They are corrupted by the sinful world into pornography, casual hook ups (which train the mind to separate sex from love and commitment, and weaken the ability to be totally and permanently committed to one Spouse) and away from belief in God (shared belief and true devotion towards God is one of the strongest glue for binding spouses together)

    I greatly sympathise with all the SOs who went into their marriage with great hopes only to experience this kind of traumatic discovery about their SO's brokenness... You are all wonderful people....
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2019
  3. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Never lose hope for your life, and always know that there are many other SOs who have experienced the same thing as you, and hence, can empathize greatly with what you're feeling.... And there are scores of former PAs like myself, who also empathise greatly with you, and who are determined to spread the word about the evils of this poisonous crap and oppose it...
     
  4. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much!!

    My faith is the thing that keeps me going daily.
     
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  5. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Is Today the Day

    At the close of every Saturday, I always ask: “Is tomorrow The Sunday? Will I hear and feel the Holy Spirit’s prodding to invite my husband to Church?”

    You see, I’ve found soo much comfort in the community/Church I’ve just started attending. It’s a place where I feel and see that all are welcome...warts and all...warts most welcome! It’s been refreshing! While I know my husband is adverse to very bold, loud, outward forms of worship,
    I know and believe that when it’s
    Time and the
    Holy Spirit has touched his mind, he will be, even just a little, receptive
    to the invitation.

    Again, I even if he says yes, I don’t really anticipate the restoration of our family/marriage. What I am really praying for
    Is the restoration of his heart, spirit and person.
     
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  6. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Be happy that you are blessed so much, as you have a very good heart, which I am sure is God's precious gift to you...
    Definitely... Hope from God and try for the best, but take care of yourself and be ready to face the worst if it should happen.... And never lose trust and hope in God, as he will be there for you more than anyone else...
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2019
  7. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    When Will The Other Shoe Drop?

    My husband and I have not argued and he’s been, for most part, cordial. He has not brought up the divorce, updated me on the status of filing and requested for more documents.

    How long does it usually take to receive the summons after filing?

    I’ve to admit, I’ve been secretely hoping he’s holding off on filing it. Like he’s giving more thought to all this and what he is bound to lose (time with his daughter).

    As for his addiction, divorce or no divorce this is something I hope he will really work on.

    Lord, we need something HUGE to push him to look inward and choose recovery.
     
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  8. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    It's best to know your options... it's good to learn more about what you need to do to secure some reasonable support (I'm not saying to be vindictive in case he divorces, but secure reasonable support for yourself and your child) in case he goes ahead with the divorce... The do's and don'ts...

    Of course, we want him to not file for divorce and have a change of heart, and start treating you like his beloved wife... But definitely it's best to be prepared for both possibilities.

    As always, I'm praying that your husband be responsive to God's powerful grace and repent, that he recognize the value of his wife, his child and become more of a good person....
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2019
  9. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Self Control

    Mr. PMO-A is out tonight with his colleagues. Pretty sure [email protected] is
    With him.

    Tempted to text him angry messaages but maybe it’s the Holy Spirit or maybe it’s Zoloft. I am
    Able to control myself from madness.

    I hate this feeling.

    I need a explosive revelation. I need a big event that will prompt a change for the good.

    I need chains broken.
     
  10. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    I’ve been served.

    Freeze
    Flight

    Sing a little louder?
     
  11. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    You mean summons?
    What happened?
    Share with us when you find time..
    Concerns and prayers for you coming your way....
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019
  12. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    O Lord, protect this lady, who is your own dear daughter, from harm, and lead her to good...
    O Blessed Virgin Mary, mother of God, always stay close to this lady, let her experience the mercy and love of God always, and lead her to your Son Jesus...
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019
  13. Ryan1071

    Ryan1071 Fapstronaut

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  14. Ryan1071

    Ryan1071 Fapstronaut

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    1. Will he ever recover - I’m not expecting our marriage to be restored (that would be great!) but I would love for him to be part of our daughter’s life - and not withdrawn like he is now.


    It is hard to say, the true question should be, does he even want to recover or does he even realize yet that he has such an addiction and problem? I will speak only from my own perspective on this so here gos, I’ll put it this way I was exposed at age 8 to pornography and am almost 41 years old, I have been dealing with this stuff for around 32 years, 32 years just wasted time and life. People can say why can’t he just quit. It is further beyond than just quitting! That would be the same as telling a heroin attic to just stop cold turkey. First he has to want to quit and he has to realize that there is a severe problem that will not get any better but worse until he stops. He is literally getting high off of his own bodily produced dopamine and epinephrine and until he gets it out of his system it will be hard or better yet next to impossible for him to stop! You may want to search “your brain on porn “ for more info regarding the physiological effect I’m talking about here. It is not going to be easy for either of you but I believe you guys can work it out with a lot of hard work if it’s not to late.

    2. I wonder what he feels when he sees our baby...

    Sadly enough I have to say, he may not be feeling anything whole heartedly depending on how much control the addiction really has on his life!!! From my experience the more Control the addiction has on my life the less emotions and love you can feel, it literally can make a person feel heartless, no emotions, and no love anymore. It just makes me sick at what it has done to me! It may have such a grip on him that no one but he himself knows the truth about how bad and controlling it really is. You may never know the extremes that he may be going to to satisfy his addiction. “Lying about going somewhere, staying up late after you go to bed, goes to bed early, hangs out in the garage/ chicken coop, wants time alone on and on and on...... The addiction gets to the point where it literally consumes you and your time to satisfy it and it doesn’t matter what it’s going to do to or who it will emotionally destroy as long as the addict can get their fix. Myself speaking I have even skipped important all day family events just so that I could be alone to watch the pornography to get a 15 minute fix. Just like Dr. Patrick Carnes said “you can’t get enough of what won’t satisfy you” . I cannot speak for how he truly feels about your child but it saddens me to think that if your child is a girl he is just looking at someone else’s daughter in a much older version. How would he feel if someone was doing to his own daughter what they do to the girls in the videos? Does he live with guilt and shame every day for what he is doing ? if not, he has a problem that he may not even be aware of or worse yet maybe he thinks it’s all OK.

    3. Why does he hate me so much

    I don’t really believe that he hates you in his heart that is, but when he can’t feel his own heart and he don’t feel any of your love and he don’t feel any emotions anymore because of how the pornography has darkened and shaped his life, he is probably walking around in a fog like state being angry aggressive and bitter all of the time or at least I did anyway. Pardon me but he may be so far gone and now wanting the girls in the videos due to looks or other reasons that he just doesn’t see what he has anymore. I know this is harsh but it is how it can get. Like Dr Patrick Carnes says “he can’t get enough of what won’t satisfy him” !!! Pornography was all I ever thought about and I’m still fighting this battle to this day, the most important thing is that you have to remember that YOU ARE NOT the problem, he is the one with the problem and he needs to realize that, also is he open with you about the subject at all . I have been open with my wife about my entire addiction she knows everything and is there to support me in a time of need I have been as low at times by the influence of the pornography addiction that it seemed that only death was a way out. Yes Death! Yes it truly can get that bad! I have felt that there is no way to stop at times but somehow I have always found a slim slice of hope from somewhere to keep me going and trying to get out of this mess.

    I will finish with this, I myself have been battling this for 32 years now 20 of those years of which I have realized I have a problem with it and tried to stop. A total of 31 days in 32 years of no PMO once and failed. It is super hard to stop but those that have are lucky. I wish you all the best in whichever decision you choose to make with him but I’m telling you it will not be an easy road. This forum hopefully will help me, and will help you to better understand what we go through. And allow you to plan the appropriate approach if it’s not to late. I hope some of this information was helpful. Best regards!!
     
  15. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    The op's husband is the one initiating the divorce... And sadly it seems he may be acting out in real life with an actual affair... However severe his porn addiction maybe, if he doesn't even want to recover, seeing the consequences of his addiction, and for the sake of his wife and child, (unlike you, who are trying to recover and be open with your wife) then his porn addiction is not a big excuse for his actions...
     
    Ryan1071 likes this.
  16. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Sing a little louder! Be strong, be vocal, you'll get through this.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  17. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for this!! Still storming heaven for a miracle!!!
     
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  18. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Finally received the dreaded divorce papers on Friday evening. I thought I was prepared for it but I wasn’t. I froze for awhile unable to
    Think. He handed it to me so
    Matter of factly, like it was junk mail.

    Finally I went on my knees and prayed! I texted my small group and asked for prayers! It was the only thing I could think of doing at the moment: Pray. I didn’t know what to say or what to do.

    I asked God to give me the strength and wisdom to think and
    act according to his will.

    For now, I feel the Holy Spirit telling me not to fight, but to respond wisely, kindly, respectfully.

    Respond to them summons thru my own counsel.

    Yet, keep my love on.

    Part of me feels, it aint over until
    It’s over.

    Yesterday, I texted
    My heart out to
    Him...No
    Anger, just despair and heartache and love and longing...

    And apologies.

    Apologies for putting him
    Down unintentionally when my intention was to rally him. I realized this when I argued with my sister.

    Six months from now, I am no longer married.

    But, God.

    You can still split the sea...
     
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  19. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    First of all I'm so so sorry that your going through this... I'm so sorry that your husband has blinded himself to your love towards him and is divorcing you , not even considering your child...

    Ask for prayers from your prayer group... Confide in your priest and also ask him for advice... Pray to God often... Keep us updated often...


    Forgive yourself for whatever you may have hurt him in the past... You have already apologized and now no need to be hard on yourself for anything...



    After all that you have done, if he still insists on leaving, then maybe you should let him go.... Consult with your family, your church priest (if he is knowledgeable and sympathetic) , and make your decision after prayer....

    Even though the Church teaches that Sacramental Christian Marriage is ended only at death, and discourages divorce, st Paul says
    "But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace."after he exhorts couples to not divorce.... So in your case it may be better to let him go if he is adamant on divorce.....

    God will always turn all situations to work for your good and ultimate happiness, whatever they may be.... No matter what happens, God will bring great good out of anything.... Never lose trust in God and love yourself always...

    It may even be that after divorcing, your husband comes to regret his sinful actions against his wife and child and atleast change his way of life.... Maybe that rock bottom is needed for him....

    Whatever your husband does is his responsibility.... It's up to him to change himself before God... You cannot make good decisions for him since he is not cooperating with you and you aren't responsible for his bad choices.... So never blame yourself no matter what he does, never guilt yourself, and always take care of yourself and your child....

    Its a good thing you are not revenge minded against him, even though he is in the wrong... It will protect your peace of mind.... Even if he divorces, it's better for your peace of mind to be without thoughts of revenge, even though they are normal...

    You will become happy, no matter how the situation turns out.... God will lead you to good and happiness, no matter what your husband chooses to do... Never lose hope for the future, which is definitely bright for you....

    As always, I too am praying for a miracle, but even if your husband refuses to follow the good intentions and thoughts that God sends him, and finalizes the divorce, never lose hope, because Jesus says to you "I am always with you until the end of the world"... Even if this doesn't happen, God will work other wonders in your life and never let you go....
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2019
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  20. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    So John Bevere, a Christian pastor who has openly talked about his porn problem and how he and his wife fought it together is speaking at our church. I’ve been praying to God to have the Holy Spirit let me know the perfect timing to invite him to church. I don’t feel that “peace” and certainty just yet but I do have today and tomorrow if THIS is His proper timing!

    I met with my lawyer yesterday. The whole time I felt like I was floating as we discussed my response, the timing, etc. I just told him to do this as slow as possible. LOL. He did urge me to prepare to list the house, move
    Out and start anew soon.

    As I walked in the subway station after the appointment. I could hear the noise and the sounds but my mind was in a tunnel of some sort. There was a cellist and his music felt like a dreary sad soundtrack to my life as I walked ever so slowly in the station to the platforms. I
    Was aware but at the same
    Time
    I felt as though I was in a trance. For a brief moment, I heard that sad broken voice in my head tell
    Me: “You can jump
    On the tracks right now so you
    Will finally see him breakdown and cry”. Of course, I didn’t
    Ignore it, but instead confronted
    That feeling with a bible verse:
    “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
    ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:16-18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    The day before, I was praying and I thought, “...today is your good Friday, but remember Easter will come!” and yesterday, I saw a post in IG about God transforming crucifixions to resurrections. I’ll take that as the Holy Spirit reminding me that God can and will
    Make
    Things for the better for those who
    Love him. And that’s
    Not just for me, but for hub too.

    Off topic, I haven’t been feeling great lately. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight (a lot of it baby weight, not gonna lie) and I’m back to my pre-wedding weight. It was my goal
    weight before I got pregnant but I
    Was hoping get to that weight healthily not this quickly. Maybe
    It’s because I
    Have not been
    Working out and I lost
    All that muscle
    Mass? Maybe it’s because I’m breastfeeding/pumping? Mind you though, I’ve been eating. I also have this huge painful
    Lump and Im thinking it’s clogged duct but none of the home remedies are working. Oh lord, I cant take another issue right now -
    Please let this resolve soon.
     
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