"You don't need a girlfriend" - A rebuttal

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by SyrusDrake, Dec 1, 2016.

  1. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    I have just stumbled upon two articles (N°1 and N°2) and reading them was like an epiphany. I recommend you read at least the first one.
    The gist is that not having any close physical contact can have adverse effects on physical and mental health.
    The reason why reading this was such a revelation for me was a past experience: Two months or so ago I was on a university field trip to France with my then-still-crush. So we saw each other every day and spent a lot of time together. And all the time I had this really, really strong urge that almost drove me insane, I could barely focus on anything else. Surprisingly, it wasn't to have sex with her, I barely ever though of that. It was the desire to hug her. To hold her, to hold hands with her, stuff like that. I didn't want to have sex, I wanted to feel close to someone!

    If what the two articles claim is true, and the observation I just described would support it, then that means two things:
    1. My constant desire to find a partner might not primarily have anything to do with the desire to get laid or even to be in a relationship but mainly with wanting to experience physical contact. I mean, that doesn't really change anything because I can't get that either but it currently feels like changing the objective it would take some pressure off of me.
    2. All those people constantly saying that you don't need a girlfriend to be happy aren't technically wrong but they aren't right either, strictly speaking.
    Not having a significant other in your life who can offer you cuddles can have adverse effects on one's well-being.
     
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  2. Kdot

    Kdot Guest

    Like what many people don't have relationships and are just fine
     
  3. Frühlingstimme

    Frühlingstimme Fapstronaut

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    Hahaha, thanks for making me laugh.

    If we scrutinise it, you are right, epidemiologists would agree that singletons die earlier. But like you said in your other post, we have the longest lifespan mankind ever had and I really don't care if I die early. I guess it might be the other way around -- people get stressed with their husband/wife and die earlier but I'll never be able to prove it.

    I read the articles, they make a little sense. I read from a very non trustworthy source (women magazine) that women actually value sex more than men. Men like touching and stuff, while woman like sex, crude and rough. Just guessing though.

    I am more or less used or Ok to being alone, but if this is not natural to you, we have to accept that every person is different. Some need more company than others. I might be lying to myself, who knows.
     
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  4. Kdot

    Kdot Guest

    Oh that explains what's wrong with me
     
  5. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    I hear what you're saying about most of the things in your post, but this comment doesn't really stick to me. I would agree that women value sex more than men to a certain extent, but a majority of men want sex which can be a problem. It's a biological thing that evolution has done to us which is normal. However, by watching so much porn, it has really affects the chemistry of the brain in many negative ways. Our mind is rewired to think that sex should be rough, dirty, and kinky like those porn actors. This is what's fucking up men and women's minds, and it's no wonder than those who have porn addictions wrongly anticipate that when they lose their virginity, their sexual fantasies equals that of sex in the real world. So, I don't agree that most women like it crude and rough.

    However, I do agree that most men are mostly touchy and can't wait to have their hands on the good stuff. But that can be a problem especially if you have a porn addiction. When a person says, I got laid or I just fucked someone, it really throws off the perception of real sex and the concept of love if one was truly committed to their significant other. But you're right, sex should be valued and not seen as some accomplishment, privilege, or even a way to screw around. It should be taken seriously. I'm still a virgin, but I've realized what porn has done to me. I fantasized about women in many obscene ways, which anyone does with a porn addiction. And that's when we lose sight of ourselves as human beings when we fail to acknowledge and value the true meaning of sex. And no it's not only just to have babies or seek pleasure, but on a more deeper level.

    Sex is a natural part of being a human, and it should be in a setting where 2 people are in an environment where there's trust, compassion, and respect from both sides. It should be smooth, slow, and gentle. And believe me, it is NOTHING like that of the porn industry. They just get paid to do sexual acts and probably won't see each other again. Also, when two people deeply love each other, sex shouldn't be just valuable, but at the same time, honorable. In porn movies, that shit compared to real life sex is like two polar opposites. And because porn has gotten everyone's minds so deluded, most people on earth have lost their true meaning of sex in general. It's nothing but lust and desire.

    And it just aggravates me when young men and women complain about being a virgin and not getting laid or fucking someone. I've been hurt so many times in finding just a girlfriend, that I just stopped caring. Does it mean I want to be a virgin my whole life? No. But I'm trying to better myself in any way that I can. And that includes the concept of sex. I know I said a lot, but that's just how I feel about this issue.
     
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  6. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    We neither, but I'd like to have a good time until then...

    Yes and no. People often get stressed by their marriage but that's because our culture puts waay too much significance on marriage. So people just jump into it because they feel obligated or because the female got pregnant or whatever and then they're "stuck" with someone they might not even like that much for years.

    I think that's an oversimplification. I wouldn't say men value sex more either. I think it's all very subjective.
     
  7. Sailor93

    Sailor93 Fapstronaut

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  8. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    I believe very strongly in deeper connection beyond mating sex. (Keep in mind im a 17 yro kissless virgin)I believe sexual release even with a partner is succombing to lust to an extent although I by no means condemn it. I have been doing research on such methods as karezza. One of the biggest changes I have experienced with nofap (day 91 of hardcore no PMO). Is that I dont crave sex but rather a relationship. I feel as though a deep long term relationship of love and friendship is what I want. And I am no longer in any rush to lose my virginity. I am just now getting up the courage to talk to people and I think I am going to ask out a particular girl soon :D
     
  9. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    Well, no offense, but you're seventeen...

    Good luck~
     
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  10. IggyIshness

    IggyIshness Fapstronaut

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    Its embedded in our genes to find a mate and reproduce, thats why we are evolved. Its necessery to have the opposite sex in ur life. B
     
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  11. F50C137YZ

    F50C137YZ Fapstronaut

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    Look, you have taken what I and others have said way too literally and out of context.

    I have never said that relationships are not important in our lives. Quite the opposite. What I have been trying to get people to realize is that making "searching for a relationship" your primary goal is unhealthy, period.

    If you are passionless and have no drive to do anything other than look for a girlfriend, it is a dangerous road and no healthy and emotionally stable woman will ever have it. It's counter intuitive.

    A healthy woman wants a man that has passion and focus in his life. That same woman will be repelled by a man that just met her and suddenly, she is his everything. She will think, "Woah, what's wrong here?"

    The thing to remember is that: yes relationships and physical bonding ARE healthy. However, if you go seeking it out constantly, you will be sorely disappointed with the outcome.

    I speak not only from my experience, but watching all of my siblings and two parents and many friends search and search for relationships only to still feel empty and alone even when they have babies with this other person.

    My point has always been that the hole you are trying to fill wil never be filled by another person. Only you can do that. It is up to you to bring meaning and passion into your life.

    The moment that someone becomes your only meaning and passion is the moment that relationship dies. That's not a relationship, that is codependency, which is real and many people struggle to understand why they are in miserable relationships, but yet are too afraid to get out because they are so afraid of being alone.

    Some of these same people find other people to keep on the back burner just in case their current relationship ends.

    You can do whatever you want. I strongly advise that you heed what I'm saying. I promise you that if you actually work on improving your life instead of making your life's work to "find a girlfriend" you will eventually find a lasting and loving relationship.

    Btw, I've also never said that you shouldn't interact with the opposite sex. You should definitely do so, on a basis. Learn to flirt well and the art of flirty touch. Do this with absolutely no intent of making any specific woman "your girlfriend". It is an important skill and also, it will give you confidence when you see that you are getting better at it.

    I wish that I could be like Spock and actually give you the experience that I know to be true. However, all I have are words. I hope that they give some insight into this because the road that you are headed down is very counter-intuitively lonely and full of desperation.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2016
  12. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Sailor93 I've been a long member of Nofap, and along the way I've learned so much, so I appreciate people who take notice of what I say. It means a lot :)
     
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  13. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    I highly suggest you'd listen to F50C137YZ and his words. I know from experience by everything he's saying, and since I'm on the same page as him, you have 2 people telling you how important it is to focus on yourself. At one point in my life, I had an older wiser man telling me the SAME thing, but I refused to listen to him. And I got myself into a hole so deep, that I almost took my own life just by doing the things you're doing. So, here we are again, I'm telling you the same thing that older man told me: It's not worth it. And like I said, you have 2 people trying to help you, but we can only do so much. I found out the truth the hard, painful way, but you don't have to. It's your choice, but I'm hoping you'll make the right one.
     
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  14. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I know - I just meant I no longer have the stereotypical teenage horniness and eagerness to lose my virginity lol.

    And thank you very much for the support hopefully I can gather enough courage... Probably best to not over think it :D
     
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  15. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    See, that's my problem. I do what I like and what makes me feel good, meaning I stay inside, keep to myself when out, have headphone on all the time and avoid interaction with people I don't know. Then people tell me that I'll have to make an effort, "learn to flirt" and all that because "no girl will just knocking at your door one day".
    So I change my behavior and do things I usually wouldn't do because I don't enjoy them but I have to do them to find a girlfriend. And then people tell me that's wrong too because finding a girlfriend shouldn't be your main goal. Well, if I don't make it my main goal, my behavior will make sure I'll never find anyone. Case in point?
    I would never ever do any of this without the motivation of meeting a romantic partner.

    I'm sorry, I don't mean to dismiss your advice. Objectively, I know it's solid and true. But I struggle with it. I feel literally burned out. The only thing I feel I haven't experienced yet is romantic affection from a girl. There isn't anything else to live for anymore, I have reached the peak of my life long ago and now it's just downhill. The only reason I'm still alive is that I don't want to hurt my mother.
     
  16. Rigel7

    Rigel7 Fapstronaut

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    I want to be careful with what I'm saying, but I agree with everyone else who has replied to this thread: your main focus should be working on yourself, not getting a girlfriend.

    I am not saying "don't focus on getting a girlfriend", rather, finding healthy relationships should be a subset of your main goal to work and improve on yourself as a person. So yeah, definitely aim to find a girlfriend! But you must order your priorities correctly.

    And I also know you're burned out. You know the advice that we are telling you but it's really difficult to hear and to follow. It is always easier to keep doing what you have always done. But I think you and I both know that this current lifestyle of locking ourselves in, not engaging with others and putting your headphones on is untenable. Otherwise, why would you be here on NoFap wanting to change?

    So please, in spite of the difficulty, consider adopting change (even changing your motivations). They say that it is insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results. What you are doing right now isn't working for you.
     
  17. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    Because there are other things I want to change? I don't want to turn my entire life around. I want to fap less, feel less guilty and more confident about sexuality. I have picked up meditation to deal with my depression and low self-esteem, I have started going to the gym again, I am more careful about my diet.
    There's a whole lot of things I want to change and am changing. Being more sociable isn't one of them.
     
  18. Rigel7

    Rigel7 Fapstronaut

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    It's great you're committed to change! Sorry I was unaware (I only know as much about a person as their post reveals and sometimes I assume things, so I apologise).

    Saying that though, I was only referring to your relational/social life. It seems to me that you want a relationship, yet whenever someone offers helpful advice about how you can move in the general direction of getting a relationship, you reject that advice and say it won't work for you because you're not looking to change how you relate to people, and then you continue to bemoan how you aren't finding anyone.

    You don't have to turn your life around completely in order to date someone - you can still enjoy time at home and by yourself (indeed, a few married couples I know spend their time together like that). But you do need to take some chance or make some change somewhere so that you can actually meet someone. I just want to help you move out of this cycle of self-pity because, unless you consider opening your mind to change in how you socialise, you're not going to move closer to getting a relationship.
     
  19. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    Mh, I bemoan that if I'd follow this advice I'd only meet sociable, extravert people. To put it simply, if I want a quiet, introvert partner who prefers staying at home and reading together over going out to a bar, I won't meet them at a bar, will I?

    And I honestly appreciate that. But like I said, it feels that advice I get from various sources will only help me to socialize with a very specific kind of people.
     
  20. Tesslynne

    Tesslynne Guest

    "Mh, I bemoan that if I'd follow this advice I'd only meet sociable, extravert people. To put it simply, if I want a quiet, introvert partner who prefers staying at home and reading together over going out to a bar, I won't meet them at a bar, will I?"

    I wish we could swap the kind of people we attract!

    I WANT to meet sociable, extroverted men who want to go out with me to see different things in the city. I tend to attract the homebodies and even though I can be quite introverted myself, I get bored with that! What I call "Quiet Nights Guys or QNG."

    I hope you get someone really nice and just perfect for you.
     
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