You need to be okay with being single/incel

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by WalkingForward, May 19, 2017.

Do you agree?

  1. Yes

    52 vote(s)
  2. Not entirely (clarify in thread)

    14 vote(s)
  3. No

    4 vote(s)
  1. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    First of all, if you're not okay with being single/incel, you'll give of a desperate vibe that will make it less likely for you to get laid/get a partner.

    And if you do get a partner, you'll be very vulnerable if you see her (or him) as the meaning of your life. Because if that's the case, you'll be devastated if you get dumped. I knew a guy who killed himself after being dumped by his girlfriend, and that is not uncommon.

    Some "incels" feel inadequate. But Sir Isaac Newton (who lived 1642-1727) most likely died a virgin, and he was the greatest scientist of all time! Was he inadequate? Other lifelong virgins include Nikola Tesla, Dalai Lama and Jesus Christ.

    You shouldn't be too attached to what you're getting from the world. Focus on what you can give to the world. Because then, you'll be in control of creating a rich and meaningful life.

    You should still have interactions with women (or men). But do it to challenge social anxiety, practice social skills and to have fun in the moment. Don't be too attached to the outcome.

    Let life surprise you.
  2. I understand the idea of "being okay with being single" and I would go so far as to say that I want to "be okay with being single." The problem for me is that it's harder to change your feelings/desires than to just say they have changed. How exactly do you go from wanting a girlfriend to not? (I'm not being sarcastic, I really struggle with this) I know it's unhealthy to want a relationship so badly and can do things to better myself in the mean time, but I can never get the desire for a girlfriend to go away. I don't want to constantly be on the lookout for girls everywhere I go but I don't really know how to see a pretty girl and not think about talking to her.
    Does that make any sense? I agree with the sentiment but I don't know how to get there.
  3. Pluto

    Pluto Fapstronaut

    This is genius, it gives you a completely different view on life
  4. Noelle

    Noelle Fapstronaut

    Relationships are overrated. The stress of having a partner sometimes isn't worth the so-called "benefits" such as social acceptance, companionship, and of course romance. However, I can safely say I've improved leaps and bounds since meeting my current BF.

    We're yin and yang, two peas in a pod, a contrast/contradiction in temperament. Even if things don't ultimately work out I've grown more in the past two years than the prior five. I exchanged a life of partying, drugs, alcohol and just general chaos for a more conventional, "suburban" life. And it's been uphill ever since.
  5. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    Thank you :)
    Yeah, I don't believe it's a good idea to try to force oneself to think/feel differently. This thread is more about presenting a perspective.

    I would recommend looking into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy/Training (ACT). Here's a clip about it:

    There are also many self-help-workbooks about ACT.
    jest likes this.
  6. John84

    John84 Fapstronaut

    I heard Issac newton was insufferable and resented women, it might have been his own fault he died a virgin. But virgin a long time will do that do you, you'll begin to resent women.
    Last edited: May 19, 2017
  7. Pluto

    Pluto Fapstronaut

    I don't get the idea why you should loose your virginity at all as soon as possible, in my opinion promiscuity is one of the worst things you can do to your body and to others, fuck it, it is for people who don't self-respect themselves enough and allow themselves to be used for pleasure

    Also why does everyone crave so damn intimacy and romantic love? Cuz they fucking seek approval in these kind of things, like without them they are worhless or shit! NO! If you have this mentality your self-confidence MUST be low, you gotta be crushed by other fuckers quickly! So have some damn self-pride
    Last edited: May 19, 2017
  8. I Free I

    I Free I Guest

    The Truth .
    WalkingForward likes this.
  9. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    Basically, @ThatGuyWithDonkeyBrains

    The way I see it, when we're having unhelpful thoughts, we can recognize them as such, accept that they might pop up in the background, return our focus to the present moment and act in ways that align with our values.

    A good way to determine what your core values are, is to imagine your funeral. What would you like to be remembered for then?

    Living up to that as much as possible, is a good guide through life.

    That might be true for some people, but not necessarily for everybody.

    Do women have an obligation to have sex with you or anyone else?

    And this mindset you're presenting, is it a helpful one to be stuck in? Will it guide you to a fulfilling life?
  10. overclocked

    overclocked Fapstronaut

    I'm not single/ incel, but I can tell you any interaction with a girl is much smoother and more enjoyable if you are ok with being single. Being an involuntary virgin is tough because you keep reading/ hearing about sex and you keep wondering what it is like. It is very different from porn. It's nice but it's not that great as some people make it sound so don't sweat it.

    Your biggest challenge is blocking out that extreme and abundant glorification of sex and the judgement society places on singles. Have fun and screw their opinions. Noone asked them.
  11. First, I want to apologize for my English. It's not my language and I have to use the google translate.

    It is perfectly understood the idea that "if you can not be happy with yourself, you will be more unhappy within a relationship"

    What I find annoying is not the fact of being single. It bothers me that they constantly make fun of it. It bothers me that they scrub in the face their happiness to be so lucky. They even talk to you about things you do not want to hear...

    And even if you are lucky enough to meet a wonderful person ... always, and I repeat, that person is always in a relationship. So... what is the point?

    I do not see it any other way ... I take it that way and try not to give it importance, but when it comes the truth, It seems that looking for a partner is simply part of our nature.

    It's not exactly easy, especially when some members of your family put that idea in your head. More when they do it because it generates fun in doing so.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2017
    QuietPanda likes this.
  12. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    I understand, but we can't control the media. What we can do, is return our focus to our own development.
    If family members do that routinely, maybe you can tell them you don't appreciate them making fun of you. Maybe you could even say that this is something you are struggling with it and that they are not being helpful.

    If someone is mistreating you, it can sometimes be enough to let them know that you are aware of what they are doing and tell them that you don't appreciate it.
    jest likes this.
  13. overclocked

    overclocked Fapstronaut

    Ikr, I experienced this. And guess what? The mockery will continue anyway. "Did you kiss her already? Did you sleep with her already? Do you have plans to get married? Do you want to have children?"

    I never made a big deal out of it. They will never understand how much it sucks for you.
    Matrix Intel and WalkingForward like this.
  14. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    Certainly, having desperate feelings aren't good in the long run, whether you find someone or not. I understood this when I was single, but was left searching for answers when trying to figure out HOW to just "let go" of desperate feelings.

    Here's what eventually worked for me, and may work for you if you believe in the process:

    Awareness of your feelings and how they affect your behavior is key. Desperate feelings affect what you say, how you say it, and your body language. In general, people will sense this about you and will turn them off ("nice guy/girl, but I'd never date them"). Awareness allows you to hear the desperate thought in your head, hi-jack your usual response to the thought, and blissfully let it go.

    While I still felt a bit desperate when my GF and I started dating, I didn't let the feelings control my behavior. Certainly I still have work to do in this area if I want the relationship to last, but I believe we started it on great terms. I thank my past self for starting the inner work it took to get to this point.

    It will take a while to get to the point of blissful detachment; your mind simply has been running on the same program for a long time. This isn't an overnight process, this is something you have to practice daily.

    Most of all, forgive yourself for feeling desperate and lonely. It is not your fault, and it is entirely within your power to change from this point forward.
  15. I'm really interested in the ideas @scote73 and @ThatGuyWithDonkeyBrains brought up: how do we take an ideal and make it alter our actual feelings? It's all very well to say "be happy single, try not to want a partner" and think well that makes sense. But what you actually want isn't so easily convinced. Our wants and desires seem to stubbornly resist logical and reasonable statements.

    I should eat a salad.
    I want meat wrapped in carbs.
    I should spend less time on a screen.
    I want to watch the screen.
    I should study without getting distracted.
    I want to do anything but study.
    I should like someone for their personality and disregard looks.
    I want that good looking person to like me.

    Sometimes it's like all the good advice in the world doesn't matter because your feelings won't let you listen to it!
  16. Lifelover78

    Lifelover78 Fapstronaut

    If you are not happy being single then you won't be happy being in a relationship, our happiness should not depend on someone else but ourselves.
  17. The Consigliere

    The Consigliere Fapstronaut

    Learn to be happy with yourself and love yourself. Once you do that then you will know what you want in life. Whether that's a relationship, a new job, children, house, etc. I have to say I am a lot happier with myself then 12 months ago. I still have to work out my priorities in life before I'm ready to jump into a relationship. I have too much going on. If I jump into a relationship now then I believe it will fail because of all this stuff I have going on. Once I figure out all of this then I may feel ready for a relationship. Because I know that's what I want at some point. But I'm okay being single right now. Everyone has to learn be with their own self or they will bring their own world down.
  18. QuietPanda

    QuietPanda Fapstronaut

    So many good comments and advice. Being a 37yr old virgin I have had my share of being mocked lol and don't get me started with the 40yr old virgin movie jokes. I know for me I could never offer anything in a relationship because PMO has ruined my view of women and because of all the fetish porn regular sex would bore me. I believe just as some have stated that if you are not happy with yourself then you won't be happy in a relationship. Being happy with my self is my goal along with ridding my life of PMO.
  19. There are a lot of good points here :)
    There are many pressures in society for relationships, which is irritating, but it does create this allusion to there being something better than what you currently have.
    This is the part I find difficult with being single, and not having experienced a relationship, it can be at times hard to make a judgement call (in this case being single) without experiencing what the world has to offer. So coming back to the point, I don't blame people for wanting to change their current status quo.
  20. RationalBrody

    RationalBrody Fapstronaut

    Y'all need to watch this video.

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