Looking to start a group for husbands trying to be worthy of your wife's trust again

There's some obvious truth here but also some naivete. For example my wife has chosen people and things over me throughout our marriage. But that doesn't take away from or negate the times she chose me over other things. I know she tries to love me but sometimes she can't help sewing, scrolling Facebook, watching TV, talking to her mom and friends over me. I still appreciate when she chooses to talk to me or spend time with me but I can choose to forgive her when she ignores me or needlessly puts me last. I think part of being a man is being able to take the good with the bad and doing the right thing anyways, regardless of the situation.

 

This is not a fair comparison. PMO is very different from regular everyday hobbies like watching TV or sewing. PMO steals the intimacy from your partner. It places other people in your marriage bed between the two of you. It robs you both of the emotional bonding of a close, sexual relationship. A person doesn't sneak off to sew in secret in the other room or get up in the middle of the night to do it when you are sleeping. Sewing doesn't make one question they are not good enough for their spouse and that's why they have to seek it elsewhere. Sewing and watching TV doesn't destroy a spouse's self esteem or make a wife less attracted to her husband. Let's be real here.

 

I agree that the severity of the acts are different, however I disagree that they don't produce some of the same results. How many wives complain when their husbands join multiple bowling leagues, go on hunting/camping expeditions every weekend, video games, and basically take on every possible hobby that takes then away from their family? They are putting people and things, in a different way, between them and their spouse. If you don't think sewing, or any excessive hobby or job, can make someone question their worth, come walk in my shoes for 10 years.

Nevertheless, the principle I stated above remains: one's negative actions do not necessarily negate one's positive actions. A husband's 5 minute use of porn do not somehow negate the years he spent helping his children and wife. It certainly diminishes it, but does not take it away.

 

I'd like to join as well. I realize now more than ever, that my wife is the best thing that has ever happened for me. I know I've said that in the past to her before and believed it then, but the fact that she still wants to give me a chance after all the lies, I just want to be the best I can for her and make this work. She has really helped me to open my eyes to my past and has made me realize things that I've overlooked, and ultimately have come to believe even more that's she's really in my corner, more so than others in my life.

 

Spouses were brought together for a reason: to perfect each other.

 

Don't be glib. None of us would be here if it was a mere 5 minutes. All I read in your posts is rationalizing and not taking responsibility for you. A whole lot of "Na uh! Well, she does stuff too so why am I the bad guy, huh? Huh?" Very much addict thinking. Hopefully when you get further into your reboot and out of the fog, you'll get it.

 

Thank you @EyesWideOpen, You're totally right. Her feelings are 100% real, and that is something that we will have to move forward with together. She is going through betrayal trauma, living with the pain that I've caused her every minute of every day.

 

I'm in, I could use the help, I will never meet a women again as wonderful as my wife she changed my life, and I had a hidden secret and she found out, I'm really messed up that I hurt her in this way. I do not want to loose her.

 

Feelings are real but they don't always reflect reality. Following irrational feelings is what leads to addiction. Part of recovery is moving beyond feelings.

 

I have never rationalized my behavior. You are reading that into my posts, maybe based on your experience. The principle remains: there is more to a relationship than good guy / bad guy status. There is more to an addict than his addictive behavior.

 

It's tough. My memories are changed now. I don't want them to be, but they are. His addiction predates our marriage and we've been married more than 20 years. It was not as prevalent then and much easier to hide, until free internet in your home and fingertips. But now that i know the truth, i can see how his addiction is tied to nearly every memory in some way. It explains things that didn't make sense before, when they happened. I could give examples, but they might be major triggers. I would venture to guess that is why she feels like none of it was real. She may not be able to express just yet how her memories are changed, only that it doesn't feel real anymore.

 

There is nothing at all irrational about this, what is hurting her is real and traumatic for her, I caused a great deal of pain in her life and I have to be there for her to help mend the damage I've caused.

 

I personally wasn't ready to show love.
I needed to see him improve physically.
I needed him to be around but not touching me... Like when he chose to sit at the table and read his relationship articles and things.
He always made it so I could see the work. He texted me things all the time.
Like where he was.
Even when I didn't care.
He still does... He never stopped.
It was his way of being accountable.
It was good.
I eventually cracked.
I used to even get mad at him for it.
He just wanted me to know tho...

 

I'm in! This sounds great as I too want to win back the trust of my girlfriend. We aren't married but have been in a long term relationship that almost ended because of my addiction. At the time I could not admit that I had a problem and only recently have been able to come to terms with my addiction, speak openly about it and truly want to change.
She hears what I have to say but it also very hurt at the same time. I love her dearly and want to earn back her trust and be the man she always thought I was.

 

Sign me up. The pain I saw in her eyes hurt me more than anything else. It's a very precarious situation and I don't want to smother her.

 

Here is a really well written forum post that I found today that is a long read, but worth it.

Read the whole thing, when you have time

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=10582.msg114294#msg114294

 

Cleaning the bathrooms tonight so my wife won't have to tomorrow (don't ask, she's OCD about cleaning on a schedule), then I'm going to bed early. Good luck everyone!