Alone At Home and Away From Home

To introduce myself, I'm carbon, I've started nofap in the past, and I've been working on it this time for about a month, with my longest streak being 12 days. Longest in my previous attempts was 5 days, so im doing marginally better.
Anyway, to start off I have three 'friends' two of which I have talked to about my problem, but recently I've noticed they really only talk to me when they need something, advice or skills, while they have none of their own and refuse to learn any. It makes me feel alone just being with them, because I don't think they give a shit about me, hence why I put friends in quotes. I quit talking to them about 40 days back or so and just like I thought they only message me when they need something. I'm tempted to tell them to fuck off but its not in my nature.

Looking for a some real life support, I went to my parents, I've always felt alone talking to them because they never let me finish a sentence and they always seem to do their best to make me emotional, then mock me for it. I.E. I quit my job awhile back because it was causing so much unhealthy stress, and I didnt need it. They practically gave me the silent treatment, I eventually decided to talk to them about it. I started off with how it affected my mental health.(Keep in mind I have a brother who suicided about 10 years back, so probably wasnt the wisest start, but I wanted them to understand how I felt). I mentioned that I always felt unwanted/unneeded even though I did a huge majority of the work, but was expected to do more, and it made me feel worthless, so much so that I started having suicidal thoughts. (Thats the part I should have left out.) They started off with "Well you dont think we've never been depressed at work, or hated or job? Now you're threatening us with suicide?!" Which was not anywhere close to my intentions. I just purely brought up that I was having suicidal thoughts, to bring the point across of how much the job affected me. I started crying because that's not what I meant at all and I knew if they thought that I'd hurt them drastically. I tried to explain myself through my tears, starting off with "Thats not what I meant at all". I was trying to contain my tears and emotions to speak and fully explain myself when my mother says "Just spit it out already jesus christ." I started crying again, because I'm trying. The anger fills in I want to lash out and call her a bitch, but I know I Shouldnt, and I know it's the heat of the moment. After that I zoned out, because its the same thing everytime.

Tried the same thing with them with my pornography use, they did pretty much the same thing, but making it clear they didn't think it was a problem. I never even explained what I watched, how much I watched. They just assumed I was normal. It makes me feel alone with them, because they can't even recognize one of my biggest struggles in my life at this moment as being anything more than "normal".

I have a few online friends, which I really only talk to one anymore. Lately he's been on the binge of a game, and it constantly feels like he doesnt give a shit about me either, just wants me to play games with him so he feels less alone playing the game I think. Like I could just be anybody it wouldnt matter, we havent had a meaningful conversation or fun conversation in months.

That leaves my one and only friend. My friend from First grade to present. He's currently overseas with the Air Force, in a completely different timezone. We talk from time to time, but it feels almost as if he doesn't exist anymore because he's so far away. Alot of the fun we had was from stupid shit we'd notice and our serious life questioning conversations i.e. religion etc. I miss having him here. The one thing that really makes me sad is before he left, I didnt really get to say goodbye to him.


That leaves me, purely by myself, in a town full of casinos and bars, which are not my type to try and find some new friends. Trying to convince myself that things will get better.

 

Thanks for the advice, I intend to distance myself from them. Intended to awhile ago with moving out, but got more or less ditched by the person I was going to move out with. I need to find some activities to do away from home. I was thinking of taking roadtrips but with the horrid weather on its way(I live up north) it makes it difficult and risky. As far as college goes, I gave it a shot awhile back, but I didnt have a field I really wanted to go into. Got stuck spending 14 hours between 3 classes on homework, projects, and the classes themself. Not only that I only had enough saved for one semester. When applying for federal student aid, I was declined due to my parents financial standing, but they don't want to pay for it, and personally I'd rather they not and let them have that over my head.

I often find myself feeling that way, staying back because I feel like an outcast because I have no friends. Best of luck on your trip!

As far as the meetup groups, Im in a smaller town 90-100k people. Theres only about 10 groups and most of them are veterans, religous, or politcal groups. With a few bookclubs and artistry. So its kinda SOL there, I've considered just going to coffee shops and studying some stuff out more in the public, might end up having some conversations there, but thats really just happenstance.

Thanks for the advice!

Apologies if this is poorly worded I just PMO relapsed for the first time in awhile and its put me in a daze of sorts.