Made a drunken fool of myself

This is a long read, if you make it through please let me know what you think. I just needed a place to tell this and didn’t know where else to go.


I’ve been dating this girl for over a year, we met in a physics course and really hit it off. Never before have I had a connection like this with someone else. We had a great time together, she was the only person I wanted to hang out with. She was only one of the few people I told about my porn addiction, which I was 6 months clean when I met her.
However we would fight, she would nag me over stupid things, and she would get these tantrums, which I knew were red flags. Every single time we got into a fight it would be my fault, every time.
We got into some big fights, where talk of breaking up was in the air. For example I found out she smoked a decent amount of pot. I learned this at about 4 months into our relationship, I was really against the stuff at the time and it made me question how honest she was with me. If she was able to keep that a secret for many months, what else was she hiding?

We had our ups and downs, but I felt like I became emotionally dependent on her. When we fought I would get this terrible feeling in my mind and it could only be fixed when she and I started talking again. She had kissed a guy at a party, she told me about it but I don’t talk to her for a week. She left me a letter and I forgave her.

She didn’t like me hanging around my friends that were girls, and unfortunately I chose my girlfriend over them. A big mistake, I know. She just had such a way of making me understand her reasons, and I believed them all.

Eventually I had the opportunity to play football at a school across the country, or to go to a university nearby with no football. She was staying at the current school for another year, I decided I was going to play football.

I realized that she and I had many issues, ones that I couldn’t see but knew I needed to be alone again. We got into many big fights during my last couple weeks in town, but ended on a good note. We decided that long distance wasn’t going to work and that we should say goodbye. I moved back home for the summer and we didn’t talk for a while.

Then we started checking in with one another, and talking more, and saying I miss you and I love you again. After a while we started debating long distance again. And finally I bought a plane ticket to fly down and visit her before I left for football. The first couple days with her were amazing, but then all the same bullshit in our relationship stated reappearing. For instance, I cooked breakfast one morning, And the potatoes I prepared were a little under done, she then refused to talk to me for a half hour, and have one of her little tantrums, acting like it was the end of the world.

But then my issues started coming to the surface as well. I started getting insecure, and jealous. I admit doing it was very wrong, and against what I stand for, but I snooped through her phone. I couldn’t stop myself. I had discovered that she was establishing a sexual relationship with the guy she cheated on me with around the time I was leaving and we were saying our final goodbyes. I also found that she was texting a guy she used to hookup with, but are now just friends. They had some sexual texts as well, and while I was visiting her, she was texting him and setting up to hang out after I left. I cried, at 3am I cried by myself in her room. I tried to rationalize it, maybe I was looking into to much, maybe I was just being insecure and jealous,but either way it hurt.

Then the last night there of my trip, she had to go work at this restaurant. Which was fine, I enjoyed some space. She told me to come to her work before they closed. I headed downtown and met up with a friend at a bar, we had a couple beers, and headed up to her work. We had a couple of beers there as well. She didn’t talk to me much, and I felt like something was different. Her roommate also worked there, and my girlfriend asked me to walk to her apartment with my friend before her and her roommate got off work. She claimed they have a tradition where they walk home together and smoke. I’m fairly certain they were talking about me though.

On the way to her apartment, my buddy and I bought a six pack and waited for them at the apartment. When they showed up, they brought this other guy who was a coworker. We decided to play a board game, and they immediately pulled out the bong and started ripping it. My buddy and I just stuck to our drinks. My buddy was acting kind of stupid, as he is a sarcastic person, but wasn’t doing any harm. My girlfriend didn’t say a word to me, she whispered to her roommate all night long.

Then she cane up to me and said she was sleeping alone tonight, I was very co fused as this was our last night together. And that’s about all o remember, I blacked out for a bit. I think I got mad, and upset at what was happening. I gathered up all of my things, and I think I was saying nasty stuff to my girlfriend. Next I either chose to leave or they kicked me and my buddy out. And we proceeded to walk to his apartment across town. I was so drunk that I somehow dislocated my shoulder, and was able to put it back in my self. (I have a very shitty shoulder and have never been able to put it back in myself before). When we made it to his apartment, I went to the bathroom, pulled up porn on my phone and relapsed.

I woke up the next day still drunk. And made my way back tot he airport and flew home. I texted my girlfriend “I’m sorry about last night,” where she responded “Thanks for showing me your true colors, it’s been real.” And that was that. I wish I knew what I said to her, I’m unsure if I was in the wrong or not. I think I’m glad that we broke up, I obviously have a lot of issues I need to work on. I just wish I could have done it in a mature, and respectful manner.

 

One thing I will say is that we always had fantastic sex. I always wondered if she was with me for me, or for the sex. I do agree it was great because we were sleeping together.