What a great and inspiring story. Thanks for sharing. I will definitely check out those resources and practice your techniques, especially meditation. The funny thing is that today I broke my streak because of sexual thoughts, and I was wondering if meditation would help with that- now, after reading this, I know that it does. Once again, thanks for sharing.
Brother, something similar happened with me(one part). Was reading an erotica(straight) which escalated Spoiler: * Possibly triggering text ! * to The man getting fucked with a strapon dildo by his wife and he wrote he orgams'd like never before. So i too tried the same twice with an object.. It was painful and don't know how to describe it. But now i get craving to do that again. Can u elaborate how u dealt with this particular thing. It is affecting my sex with my gf. I can't concentrate. This thing distracts me and i looses erection while having sex.
I can clearly identify with all the above points you mentioned. The PMO-feedback loop is an extremely negative one and also a very strong one. Although there are probably at least a dozen aligning factors leading up to PMO:ing, you only need to break one in order to abstain but it is much harder than people think. And the more time you repeat that loop, the stronger will it settle, become harder to break free from and the more miserable will you feel after every single time. That sense of isolation, alienation and misery it brings did almost break me completely three years ago and if I hadn't decide to turn the tide and take some action eight weeks later, I would probably have dug myself even deeper into that bottomless pit.
You can't just do it if you don't feel ready for it. You have to go through the preparation for that moment and that might take time and work that you have to do. Shame is the biggest obstacle in opening up. When we were shamed in the past and we disconnected from our parents that was a point in which we shut ourselves off from sharing. We started keeping things to ourselves and that became the "normal" way of behavior. To reconnect with our parents is tough, but if we don't do it, we may feel empty and without roots. At this point of my understanding I can highly recommend seeking help from qualified psychotherapist, which is not easy to find, but this is probably the fastest way for resolving these severe issues. You can tell me more about yourself in a personal message. Share your age, your story, your path. Write me if you wish.
Image you are taking medication to numb the pain from a wound that hasn't healed yet. If you were to stop taking the meds you would feel horribly, but numbing yourself isn't going to help with healing the wound. There are other things that have to be done instead, some options I have described in my topic. Porn is a painkiller, not a healer.
@Todor I am grateful to have read your story going through the process of recovery. I see parallels in your experience and mine. To be honest, I am a little envious (I state this playfully). You stood up and you took NO (to PMO) as the answer. From there you allowed your intelligence to blossom, and blossom it did! Why I am a little envious is the person that got me started in trying to understand why is not me, it is my wife. However, I am extremely grateful that she did ignite the flame of intelligence within me. It took awhile to get the flame burning, but it is there now. The breath is indeed the most important aspect of recovery. I agree with you 100%. I have started yogic practices and things just feel different. I can switch my attention much more quickly than before. I will make it my duty to mention your story whenever I can and to even refresh this thread should it fall into the past. Thanks so much! A true pioneer!
hi Todor, your file within the google drive link were missing. But i have donwloaded it already. Here's the file just in case someone looking for it https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DyHRlpMKVHl13dLYadvaGnByaOfYZDHP/view?usp=sharing
It's time for an update. In March 2018, as I published my success story here, little did I know what I was dealing with. Little did I know that P/PMO/IMO or any form of unwanted compulsive behavior that was ending up with O had reasons beyond my understanding at the time. I really thought I have become the master of my life, unfortunately I failed and I learned that PORN IS NOT MY PROBLEM... For those who have read all the posts under this thread it is clear that I relapsed after 127 days of NoFap. I didn't fail, because I couldn't live a fap-free life, but my unresolved underlying issues from the past that were hiding in my subconscious mind took over me and showed me that I need to work on myself; that I'm not done with the compulsion. To summarize and make it easy to read for all of you: in the last 3 years I went through hell so many times that often the only solution that I could think of was taking my life away. Pretty serious stuff and I know that I'm not alone in this one, although, too often it felt like I have nobody on this planet who I can turn to; who can help me. I went into therapy. First Carl Jung's kind of therapy, which opened up my emotional side and the wounding - I realized how traumatized I was from the environment (family=parents) I was and how everything I did with PMO, gaming, computers, etc., was just my way to cope with what that, which otherwise would have got me to insanity much earlier. The Jungian's therapist didn't help me to resolve my issues, maybe because he wasn't able to, or maybe because I gave up, got scared and run away. But without therapy life became increasingly harder so I decided to look for another therapist: this time analytical psychotherapist. And it turned out that this person started to reflect to me things I couldn't see for myself, regardless of how much I thought I already know and can do alone. This therapist has done a lot of good for me and I'm still working with him. As I said: PMO is not the problem, it is the trauma behind it, which triggers repetitive compulsive behavior without any hope to be stopped, if the root cause is not addressed. My only suggestion as of today is: look for a good therapist and get the help that you need, because what we are dealing with is beyond what we can manage alone. Avoid any kind of prescribed drugs (pills), if possible. Be careful with the hope you put in mindfulness, as it can be a tool to escape reality, not to help you deal with it. P.S. I'm working on topics like: "The connection between the lack of mother's warmth in early childhood and PMO". I will be addressing these on a later stage, if anyone is interested for such stuff.
Hello Todor. Great post, it gives me great hope, because I am in a similar situation with HOCD unwanted toughts, and looking to find a psychotherapist. How are you now, how is it been going with the healing process?
Holy fu..ing shit ! This is the most extraordinary story in this froum ever ! I spend literally a week to read it between my free times ! I did infact relate to some parts of your story. some of the events actually happened to me too. I have this feeling if you publish this post, you will be this year's new york times best selling author! I thank you for this post
Thank you brother for your story.. i have the same issue with my sexuality, I don't like the idea of I myself being gay, so it took me some time to fully accept it. Honestly, it might be the main concern why i ended up being single for almost 21 years of my existence. I hope one day I'll learn to love myself, forgive and accept. Now, I don't need to label myself as of any gender as long as I don't see them as an object. I love you guys, wish you all the best. I miss myself back, I love myself.