Something that has been bugging me about my taste in women.....

It's okay to not like black women if that is your preference.

 

From what you say, your life experiences made you act toward women in different ways, sometimes for your own safety.

Look, every man will run from desperate women. Every man likes to be treated well and every man has his own tastes.

You're a human being with a wide variety of experiences, likes and dislikes. Just accept it and be yourself.

In the future, someone will appear for you, someone perfect for you.

 

I don't either. Well. Maybe not entirely. I was like that up till recently, then like everyone else, hopped on the Halle Berry train when I saw her in some movie. Can't remember which.

 

I can understand your pain & frustrations because of the events that had happen to you, believe me but don't be so hard on yourself at the same time... a-lot of us have preferences . I will say to keep in mind that not every "black" women you run into will be like how you described through your dealings with them, I already assume that you know this but to remember that apart from dealing with those women, your dealing with different types of "people" & that the area your in are the majority of those "personalities", I guess you can say ... your environment counts for a-lot, in my opinion . As for me, I love all types of women but if I had to state my preference, it will be asians & latinas ( as you can imagine I am latin myself, dominican ) & my least preference that I don't really look for are white girls ( no offense to white people out their ) , their just not really my type like that, though there are many beautiful one's around . But that's my preference, and you know what... that's ok because we all like what we like . accept your feelings & know that it's a blessing to have women around everywhere, good or bad personalities . I said I don't like white girls but who's to say I won't marry one ? You never know .

 

People have already said a lot of good stuff.
It's fine not being attracted to whatever ethnicity / traits / whatever - and as long as you don't put all black women into one category of crazy bitches, it's fine.
Also, save up and move somewhere else = problem solved.

 

Definitely, you seem too intelligent for living in such an environment @Koga313

I'm not a racist, but ( ) the general African American culture seems very destructive. The oppression of the past might very well have influenced it, but unfortunately, a crabs-in-a-bucket-mindset has developed. Where people who are bright and excel aren't rewarded, but instead, because of jealousy, selfishness and fear are being dragged down. And insulted for being "Uncle Toms", "Coons" or even kicked in the nuts.

But you can break out of it man, spread your wings and fly away! Don't take your knife with you, you won't need it anymore.



About your taste in women, I don't know how far you've come on your NoFap journey, but I've found that long periods of NoFap makes my sexuality more "natural". Fapping tends to limit the type of women I'm interested in, but when I stop fapping, I find that my sexuality becomes more open and less restricted.

So anyway, do NoFap and maybe your taste in women will change somewhat over time. Maybe you still won't be very attracted to black women, that's okay.

 

LONG RANT IS LONG! Sorry.

I know you mean well, and I can tell you're really not trying to be a douche or anything by what you're saying. You do really seem like a super nice guy who went through a series of unfortunate events. That said, I am still reading quite a lot of bias between the lines, even though you say you don't equate all black women with crazy nut-kickers, and I'm not sure if you're 100% 'aware' of it - or maybe just a bit in denial of it - or maybe the real issue isn't even 'black women' as a phenomenon.

Let me elaborate a bit with some questions you should ask yourself, which will help clarify the real root of your issues and why you happen to lump your issues together with the two categories 'women' and 'black':

Is it really about the black women you have met in your life?
Or is it more about your loneliness, and the local women (who happen to be black) not living up to your standards or filling your void?
- is it upsetting to you, that you cannot find any compatible women where you live?
- If yes, why is this upsetting to you?
- What do you seek in a female partner, that you cannot find in your local women? (interests, values, life goals, etc)

Is it really about 'not being attracted to black women' aesthetically?
Or is it more about you actually being attracted to them aesthetically (or maybe you feel neutral about their features), but at the same time you are repulsed by the behavior of the women you've met in your local area; women who happen to be black?
- Is it really about physical appearance of said women, or just these particular women's shitty behavior?
- Is it the "ghetto culture"?
- Do you know any black women (perhaps from the media) you find physically attractive? Yes? Then your problem probably isn't black/brown skin and features, but the behavior of the women in your local area - which you unfortunately equate with their 'blackness'.

These are good questions to ask yourself to figure out what your problem really is about.
It would make sense if it was the local women's behavior, that causes you so much distress, rather than their genetic make-up.
(And from what you've written, I think this is indeed your actual problem, rather than your aesthetic attraction which may or may not be there. But not being attracted to specific features, should ideally just render you completely neutral and should not upset you to these extremes. BEHAVIOR, on the other hand, makes a lot more sense. BUT you should just be super careful not to correlate shitty behavior with one specific aesthetic (set of) feature(s) -> which is what you're currently doing -> which is irrational.

Which leads me on to you talking about your female friends and their ethnicity. Why is their ethnicity even relevant? Does ethnicity determine friendship?

First of all, let's define a 'friend':

"A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations." - Oxford Dictionary.

I ask again - does ethnicity determine friendship? No. Does race? No. Does gender? No.

Your female friends happened to be female and they happened to be Asian or Latina or whatever else.
Does this mean every Asian or Latina female on the planet will be compatible with you? Absolutely not.

Now, CULTURE is a different matter entirely! And although the majority of this or that ethnicity GENERALLY falls under this or that culture (vice versa), it does not mean that all individuals with said ethnicity do. Not all Asian women are small, cute, dainty, timid and eager to please. Not all Latina women are bombshells with big tits and juicy asses who like to dress up and call you papi. Not all black women are raunchy and want to kick you in the nuts. Not all Asian men like karate and are mathematical geniuses. Not all Latina men are gangbangers and not every black man is dangerous - and so on and so on. Many Asians love hip hop and many black people love classical music. You get the gist at this point, I'm sure.

So, does culture determine friendship? It absolutely can, yes. Absolutely! But ethnicity doesn't.

Also, I am wondering if this is a matter of finding female friends (platonic connections without romantic or sexual interest) or if it's about finding sexual and/or romantically compatible women?
Because originally you talk about (not) being attracted to black women, but now it's about female friends and having people (both genders) to talk to. So which is it? What is the real issue here? Aesthetics? Behavior? Friendships? Loneliness? All of it?

Yes, I'm being a bit of a douche pointing out your wording, but words are powerful and you really don't want to subconsciously divide people like that.
You are reinforcing your bias by saying the only female friends you had were this or that as if that has anything to do with the value of your relation - and all the female enemies you've had, were this or that as if that specific trait determines their shitty behavior. Even though you tell yourself you're not prejudice, and rationally know all women aren't the same - you are still creating distance and "otherness" by your phrasing and putting the issue on the women just for being black - or this or that other color, if the women have impacted your life positively. And in the future, rather than saying you had female friends "who were all Asian / Latina / looked like this/that / came from this/that culture". Instead try saying "I had (female) friends who I connected with because of shared interests and values." Period.

Now, before you get too upset with me for posting all this (I'm really not trying to offend you), I completely and absolutely agree that those bitches you speak off are, well, bitches and no one should be treated the way you've been treated. But you need to figure out how YOU can turn this problem around. Those irrational women out there will be there no matter what, but it's your own responsibility to be the bigger person and get yourself out of a trying situation, no matter how long it takes you - and to get out of it with a sound, rational mind and not biased bitterness founded on irrationality and unfavorable experience. Save up (a little each month counts) and move when you're ready 5-10-20 years from now, and meanwhile go online and get some friends with shared interests and values and let bitches be bitches (bygones).

Much peace and love from here.





PS: regarding being an "Uncle Tom" - feeling like an outsider in your community or school is not just a black cultural thing. It's EVERYWHERE. I am black and grew up and live in a predominately white community, and I've always been one of the weirdos, but for every other reason than my blackness (being the only goth at school, for one, lol - although I've also had/get my fair share of racism from a loooot of non-black people, but don't get me started on that.)

What did I do when they called me a satanist and weird and so on? Just smiled and went on my merry way, and hung out with the kids with the same nerdy interests and values as myself or found solace in online communities or peeps from other schools, etc. So yeah, again. Think of your issues on a broader scale than your own world - it happens to all of us, everywhere. You are not alone in being an individual. Embrace it and celebrate it, rather than worry about the hive mentality of others! It's what you do with it all, that counts. So stop giving a shit about what other people think of you, what your brother accomplished before you and whatever else. It's your life. Not theirs.

 

This was really kind of you SM to take the time to create such a well thought out and articulated reply. This community really does help each other rise and we don't always acknowledge that. Great work!

 

Thank you very much. I hope OP will get something positive out of my rant.

 

I have a friend who is a white guy and he is not attracted to white women. Some guys are not attracted to their own race. In my opinion, its ok.

 

You definitely do not have to apologize. Sometimes ranting is what you need. Then after, you can go through it and try and see if any of it makes real sense to you (only you can know that).

And you're not a nutcase. I think its a very normal human response to situations you correlate with danger; you take whatever was in the situation and become cautious of it. But you are also aware of the irrational aspect of the instinct, and that's a good thing. From there it's a choice what you do with it. Work to deal with it in the best way possible (maybe therapy is a good place to start, as you genuinely seem traumatized to a degree) or do nothing and remain fearful and unbalanced. No one can make that choice but you.

My advice:

Therapy (with a professional).
Self-therapy (write a journal with your thoughts and feelings. Get your thoughts and worries out of your head).
Books on the subject of trauma, psychology, cultural hive minds, etc.
Youtube - I am sure there are tons of channels about this subject. It's youtube, after all.
Start treating yourself better, as in, stop putting yourself down or think something is wrong with you. You're fine no matter what, and it does not make you a bad person feeling whatever you feel.

 

Do you have a history of being violent? Have you beaten a female before? The reason I ask is because you mention a fear about doing this. If you have a history of violence against women, then certainly you should seek some type of therapy. If you have no history of violence, then you have an irrational fear. Irrational fears stem from irrational or distorted beliefs that are often subconscious. Often times people use what is called Emotional Reasoning to buy into an irrational fear. Emotional Reasoning is when you believe something because you feel it emotionally. You may feel that you will snap and do something violent, but that doesn't mean that you are a violent person, it just means that you feel a certain way emotionally.

I don't want to get too wordy because I don't know you personally or know your history. You strike me as a good guy with your head in the right place. I think you'll mature and grow if you continue with reboot and learn some valuable things about yourself and others in the process. Best of luck and much continued success for you!

 

Maybe the drum remark was about fucking not fighting?

 

Therapists and psychologists are as varied as personal trainers. It's your job to find someone who suits your needs. Again, don't base everything and everyone on your own limited experiences.

 

OP surround yourself with people that build you up, reading your post, if you're clutching a knife around black people and you live in a predominantly black neighbourhood, that would take a toll on you psychologically. Not to mention something going wrong if you lose it.
Everyone has preferences.
I was convinced growing up that I was into Middle Eastern women and my Pakistani friend was into Black women. Times change and so do our tastes. You can't be judged for who you are or what you like.

Totally unrelated, but SheMonk where did you get that GIF in your signature??

 

I searched "shiva animation" or some such once upon a time on Google.