I'm not trying to look and sound edgy. I dont mean to show off. And no, this is not an "flatline depression". That's bullshit. Can't feel depressed if you don't have depression. Maybe you feel lack of spiritual energy, you feel sadness, but but what I feel... Is darkness. I don't like talking much about this. I'm a man and emotions have to die for a time. But if I'm honest - I am lonely. Always. I have friends and thats the pain. I still have noone to talk. I start conversation about my feelings and next thing I see is 1-3 words about it and then... Moving to different topic. I can talk with mother, but... I don't feel that's something thats gonna help. I don't. See, I'm not a stupid guy. But I was labeled as one. I was a class clown. Why? Cause I wanted see smiles and positivity. But sometimes I came home and just.... Stared at the ceiling and started dying inside. I can have a laugh with someone, share experiences and stories... But my inner world cant be opened, cause I havent found nobody who has interest in it. I feel like a Joker. I see world with real eyes. I scan people and mostly I'm right about them. I... I love life and people. I can get emotional by hearing a guitar solo cause it squeezes out the soul. Same here... I just need someone like me or I'll sooner or later will end my life. I've had these thoughts and... I don't know. Maybe just because I'm an Aquarius. Maybe just cause I'm different. It's just dark here
Damn..I can totally relate to this Having friends to just to hang out with and nothing else , being well liked by people but still..you feel like you're in another world or something Nobody gives a shit about your interests , you understand people , but they don't understand you, you love them but they don't love you the same way because they feel like you're distant and hide a lot of secrets Look my friend,you may be an intelligent sensetive person,and that's rare Most people will look shallow and superficial foe you , you should learn to deal with them anyway You're still 19,and it's okay to feel aliented right now,but trust me,it gets better Not the world or people,but you're abillity to deal with them and create meaningful relations with them You get stronger,more grounded,and you learn to survive on your own,you get less needy Lonliness is harsh,and this feeling is damn harsh and I know this But don't ever hurt yourself,you got potential my friend,this is not the final form of your life,you will feel hopless and it's okay,but you know deep inside that life has open possibilities You're different,and that's hard when you're a teen,but that's what will make your life better in the end if you take care of yourself Hold on my friend,and if you need to talk,I'm right here