I just realized that I need you guys

Hey

Before I get into the nitty gritty of why i choose to sign up today, let me just give you some info to give some humanity to this faceless online nickname. I'm a 28 year old male and i've been addicted to PMO'ing since I was around 17-18, the time we got a high-speed broadband and a PC in our house. Thanks mom for being old-school and not getting it earlier. I recently beat a nicotine addiction, been "snus" free for almost a year. My scandinavian brothers know what I'm talking about. Haha.

I first got the idea that my habit for PMO'ing might not be healthy habit, about 4 years ago and through that notion I found the NoFap community and sites such as "YourBrainOnPorn". Long story short, I realized that I had a problem, but all the times i've tried to quit over these last years have been kind of half-assed. I downloaded some counter apps, porn blocker software and off I went. I usually relapsed after a maximum of two weeks +/-.

25 days ago I made the decision to really do this for real. I followed the steps laid out by many people to sever my connection to porn forever. I identified my triggers and took concrete measures to avoid or eliminate them, like deleting Instagram, Snapchat, drastically reducing time spent on Facebook by deleting the app on my smart phone etc. I changed or started new habits like meditating every morning and taking cold showers. I managed urges by getting out of the house and going for a walk. Sometimes I found myself going into my usual brain script by checking my favorite Insta-e-girl account, but I aways managed to drag myself out of the spiral. I also decided to moderate my alcohol intake, also much needed after I drank myself into alcoholic hallucionosis(severe alcohol withdrawal) and a stay at the intox E.R after partying a little to hard at the Roskilde Festival in 2016. But I digress. Lets just say, no more binge drinking.

The "surge" came and left, I fell into some wierd limbo resembeling the dreaded flatline(probably was), with depressive thoughts, a little anxiety and general sadness. Some better days, some shitty days. I kept on trucking and stuck to my routines, firm in my resolve. Then yesterday came, day 25, my birthday. It was an relaxed affair, a lunch with my best buddy and strolling around with his little daughter who's just learned to walk, and ended with a quiet dinner together with the people that are responsible for my excistence, Mom and Dad. You would think I was in the clear, alas that was not the case.

I was a little sleep deprived due to some night shifts, maybe it was that weakened my resistance to the urge that was about to hit me, I don't know. All I know was that I stayed up too late surfing the net when I should just have gone to bed. I cracked a little and started looking at some pics on Instagram, pulled myself back from that after a short while and decided to hit the sack. I laid down and started listening to a podcast to wisk me to sleep. All of a sudden this urge hit me, out of nowhere. It was an urge stronger than I had ever experienced before. Like a sleeper cell suddenly hearing its trigger word, I automatically grabbed my phone and started typing in the adress of my favorite porn site, and my old drug of choice, transwoman cum videos. The shouts from my frontal cortex where totally drowned out from this primal desire that exploded from deep inside my brain. The result was one of those nights that I dreaded. I watched porn for 4-5 hours. It was a slippery slope, I found myself searching for the category that first made me realize I needed help, beastialty. As I typed in "gay male dogs muscular + cock" and felt the dopamine hit as the results popped up, I felt so disgusted and revolted with what I was doing, I managed to pull myself away from it and back to the transwoman stuff. Not that it mattered much, I had hit the bottom, the bottom I swore i'd never hit again. As I type this i'm filled with shame, revulsion and disgust. It makes me cringe.

I didn't masturbate, I didn't even touch my penis in any manner, but nontheless I relapsed, I got erections from watching that shit. It fucking hurt, it hurt because I just realized how powerful this addiction is and that I am an addict. It also made me realize that I can't do this alone. Not yet atleast. I need to offically join the community. I need you guys, so that one day I won't have to.

This became a tad bit longer than I planned, but I guess it needed to be said. Anyways, here I am and i'm looking forward to get to know you and to share this journey towards a better life with all of you guys.

 

Thanks buddy! Right back at ya. Just shoot me a PM whenever you feel like it.

 

My first priority is to break up old habits which porn were a part of and create new habits. Most important is to change my online habits. Instead of surfing Facebook mindlessly, I have to have a concrete reason to log in, like sending a message to a specific friend or to check up on an event which i'm attending, and then immediatly log out. I keep busy with things that interest me, like a language course, hiking and reading. Structure is really important inn all of this, so I write everything down in my journal and check them off as I complete them everyday. For example, my morning routine consist of meditating for 10 minutes and taking a cold shower, these are boxes that i tick off to start each day, regardless of what my further plans that day are. Even if i have a really lazy day i've atleast accomplished something. The last measure to be implemented must be the porn blocker on my phone. I was stupid enough to think i wouldn't need it, "I'll be fine, no biggie.", yeah right. Haha.