1st time I feel addicted to porn in 34 years

I've viewed porn for a long time, I remember the first porn mag I viewed, a Playboy with a Baywatch theme, Donna D'errico on the cover. However, that wasn't the first the fapping started. It started much sooner, to normal tv and music videos on mtv. Since Donna it's been all about the porn, all about the next big porn name. I like collecting it, and never randomly. If I like a girl, I need all of her videos, even if not porn related; her behind the scenes or even instagram pics and videos are downloaded. I have like 6 full hard drives of porn, over 10TB, all organized by pornstar name, and more recently sub-organized by virtual reality and non-vr.

I've never been with a girl, heck never even kissed or talked. I am likely the biggest loner ever. I go to work and home, that's it. Any exposure to real women is at work.

I never made the connection that my seclusion had anything to do with porn; I thought it was just my personality. I'm still unsure, to be honest. Do I do what I do because that's who I am, or has porn enabled it, made me a certain way?

It's only recently that I thought I was addicted to porn. I thought it was normal all along. Even though I collected a lot it didn't feel like I was obsessed with it. I would fap one time, or none each day. It would be quick. I'd get hard quick and finish quick. I would look at girls when they walked by or something, but that was it. The last year has been different.

The last year when I see a girl I like, it'll throw my day off. I'll keep thinking about her. I'll even fantasize. Usually about her propositioning me to do something. I'll have to fap. I've been fapping three to five times per day. It's become more time consuming because it's more difficult to finish. Porn doesn't really make me hard just by watching it anymore without touch. It still excites me, it's just the visual alone isn't enough like it used to be. I do like hardcore stuff, but ultimately I think my tastes are pretty tame. It's all about the beauty of the girl to me, so something as simple as a strip tease can do it if I like the girl.

So it's only over the last year that I actually feel addicted to porn. I've been fine with the way I am. It's only recently that loneliness has gotten to me. That loneliness, I think, is why I pay more attention to girls at work than I ever had before. But, I probably come across as weird. I say hello in the halls, smile, and only one really gives me signs back like she likes me, but even she seems to have grown bored of our brief interactions because I never went any further with it. And in a way that's out if respect for her because I'm confused at what I really want.

I like the idea of a real relationship, but I don't know if it is for me. As I said I'm a loner, and I have a hard time picturing sharing a life with someone. Maybe porn has made me immature. I love women and would love to treat one well. But I don't think I could ever be that guy. I think, but I'm not sure, that I just want to have a good time with a lot of girls. If I could choose, that's the lifestyle I would want. And maybe it's just because I never did any of that when I was younger, so I think it's what I want. I also can't see being attracted to anyone that isn't 20 something like the girls in porn. I have broad tastes, but the one constant is age. It'll become less likely as I age.

And then sometimes I wonder why I'm even obsessing over all this; I have other interests, interests I can share with someone, sex isn't that important. But it is to me now, and I don't know if that's conditioned into me by the porn.

I've never been in a relationship, so I don't know, but how important is sex? How often do real girls want to so it? If there's one huge negative I can get from porn it would be that it's confusing. I know they say it's fake, but it doesn't entirely seem that way. The girls have to like it too right? It's pretty sad if they really don't. This stuff does happen in real life doesn't it? If not, shouldn't it?

So, yeah, I'm a pretty disgusting guy probably. But, maybe not. I think I go by feeling a lot, and maybe if I got a girl I'd be fixed? I'd treat her well. I'd be fine if she wasn't a nympho. What do you guys think?

I see some of the girls at work and ache because I can't talk to them. You have to understand the extent of my being anti social. I'm not even exaggerating, I have never casually talked to a girl. Never touched. Nothing. In 34 years. The most I've said is, good morning, in passing. And part of it is that I don't understand their expectations. I wouldn't know where to go on a date, or anything. I fear anything I do wouldn't be enough. I think I would bore her. As far as looks, I am not bad looking, so it isn't a physical self conscious thing, it's all mental and unfamiliarity.

Man, this is a long stream of consciousness. I wrote it over like a week off and on; was just saved in a tab on my phone. Most other tabs are porn sites. Was hard to get to this. But what do you guys think? Is it the porns fault? What should I do? One of my problems, and strengths, in a way, is that I'm too patient for my own good. I keep telling myself I'll do something, but I put it off because I overthink it. I tell myself, I have time, don't worry, but I get older. I tell myself, everything is almost where it needs to be to try with a girl, but tthings never get perfect enough.

 

I only tried no masturbation once before. I went about a week. I filled the gap of porn with real movies about loneliness, like Her, Lars and the real girl, taxi driver, Equals. I felt worse. I really don't feel bad most of the time, I'm usually not depressed, I do have other hobbies. I'm a writer, and managed to write 2 books.

Even with all the porn I dedicate a lot of time to other things. However, none of those other things are people, other than close family, mom and brother; they depend on me. I am responsible, or have been, but lately I have got a more uncaring attitude, that I should be me. I am risking my mask more lately. No one knows the true me. I think I am a hedonist, my dream would be girls and writing all day. I've been risking more lately to express this, but I keep it hidden. No one can notice anything abnormal about me, or my way of thinking. I'm actually disgusted people are so conservative. But maybe they're not as conservative as I think, I don't talk to them. The mask they have on may be no different than mine. What are your thoughts? Am I downplaying other peoples' desires?