Imposing consequences and boundaries

I think it is good that you are thinking of ways to motivate you to quit using P. I know when I decided to give up PM, my SO wanted to set some consequences in the event I used again. I am committed to living the rest of my life free from PM, so it didn’t make sense to me to focus on the negative: when I would use again. To me it seems counterintuitive to focus on what sort of punishment for something I have yet to do, when you want to be focused on achieving your goals. I instead proposed a reward for achieving a goal, in my case it was a BJ for going seven days, I didnt think I could even go that long considering my regular and repeated use of P. I’ve since blown past that day, and hadn’t set a new reward. I still have a goal of a life free from PM, but the reward comes every day for through an increased connectedness with my SO, her understanding and support, coming out of my shell and talking about my feelings and challenges.

As for consequences, early on I proposed not setting any, and dealing with this struggle day by day, and talking about it with honesty and integrity with my SO, who is also my accountability partner. To me it only made sense to set consequences, or rather actions/reactions *when* I used again, rather than *if*. That is my mindset in this, and how it works for me at this time. I will fight this battle every day to win, as losing isn’t an option for me. It’s off the table, it isn’t a result that is acceptable to me, so I will not spend any energy mentally to plan for it. If I ever use again, only then will I take the time to reflect on why it happened, what triggered it, and make changes to my habits or routines to ensure it doesn’t happen again as I never want to lose control over my mind, my body, and my urges, and cave into P again.

We all deserve better than PA, focus on the person you want to be, and continue in making positive changes for yourself. We all can beat this!

 

You are very welcome. I realize I focused on just those consequences you wanted to set for yourself, but I completely neglected your other point on establishing boundaries. Setting a goal for yourself, is definitely a boundary AFAICT. Determine the man you want to be and the life you want for yourself, start setting those boundaries, and stick with them. These are your rules for your life that help define who you are. Take back the control, and start setting those boundaries for yourself.

As for your partner, I encourage you to engage your SO to have a role in your recovery. My SO has been a pillar for me be being an accountability partner. Now that I am dealing with my PA I can be more connected with my SO through integrity: admitting my mistakes, my shame, my guilt, and stopping the lies I’ve told to cover it up. Your SO may want to also set boundaries that they are comfortable with especially if you are able to be totally honest with them, admit that they are important to you, you are on a path to becoming the best person you can be, and you want them to be apart of process.

Start the conversation keep them engage, and become closer with them through radical honesty. In my mindthe biggest thing that allowed my SO to deal with the years of betrayal and escalation of my PA, was the fact that our relationship was founded on being open and honest with each other. She saw the man that I can be, and knew I wasnt the person I had been so long with my brain on P.

 

I think this is great that you are working to overcome this. I don't think there is anything wrong with consequences or boundaries. @Kenzi has a great thread about boundaries here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/lets-talk-about-boundaries.109686/

I will say that leaving a relationship over a partner not giving up PMO is most definitely not disproportionate. It is relative based on each individual and their personal values and what they want to live with in their lives. You will find, as you read on these boards, that there are a number of people who have left their significant others because of their inability to give up porn. Both dating and married. And you will see there are many who are in the middle of making that decision right now. There was an entire thread on "if you knew would you have stayed?" My answer was yes, because we have a whole life together and a family with kids, almost grown and a long history, but had I known then before we we were married the lies and secrecy and the pain, etc that was going to happen? Most definitely not. I would have left in 2 seconds and moved on. And if, God forbid, something were to happen to him now, I will not get married again. I do not trust that there is a man out there that doesn't struggle with this issue anymore thanks to the internet and smart phone. I won't fight this fight with anyone else. I fully support my husband through this, but I can't do it a second go 'round.

I do think this is awesome that you are here, and we welcome you. You are very fortunate to have a great man behind you supporting you. I wish you the best of luck!

 

A threat to break up as a result of a pmo lapse may not be helpful, but agreeing on that conscequence together might be. If you accept, yourself, that the part of yourself that wants to pmo is a part of yourself you want rid of, and also a part of yourself that has no respect or love for your partner, it will be easier to rid yourself of the behaviour. If it is a straight decision of porn or partner, it should be easier to choose your partner. By stating outright that your partner leaving would be an overreaction is to not have fully committed to quitting pmo. You want to rid P from your life, not your partner. If that isn't the case, you are proba ly in the wrong relationship.

Good luck with your nofap journey.