Hi, I'm new here . I'm really struggling to get over my partners porn addiction. He assures me it's been months since he's looked at anything but it's eating away at me not knowing if he's secretly still doing it. But what I'd really like to know is can a PA ever be satisfied by just their partner?
Yes, but it takes time away from porn and masturbation. It's difficult, but they can get back. If you feel like he's not satisfied by you--if the frequency or intimacy of your sex is less than you would like, after supposedly months of him not using PMO (porn/masturbation/orgasm)--then I think you have a right to wonder if he's really been abstaining. Obviously, just asking him probably won't help. If he's actively viewing porn, he probably won't confess so. It sucks, but you can always check his browser history. Even if he deletes it every time, porn addicts have a tendency to let things fall through the cracks. Hang in there.
In short, yes. I was addicted to porn for over 10 years. My wife and I now have an awesome sex life. There is a difference between me being satisfied by my wife and being tempted by something else. I am still tempted to this day, but I've chosen to deny that part of me and instead embrace my soul mate.
Thanks for the reply Superfan. Tbh I've found no evidence of him still using PMO but I'm so insecure because of the amount of times in the past I've caught him lying after him swearing he'd stopped. Part of my problem now is I've become obsessed with trying to catch him. I feel like I'm the one who's now secretly hiding things , the fact that I'm constantly checking his history without him knowing but I think he's just got better at getting rid of the evidence. I'm reading this back I sound crazy ! I can't believe the profound impact his Porn use has had an my actions and emotions. Why did he think it was ok to sexually please himself over countless other women every single day !when I was here trying so hard to look my best for him and be everything he wanted but I still wasn't enough. I'm sorry I'm venting now , I haven't spoken to anybody about this an now I feel like I'm opening the flood gates not sure I'm even making sense . So many thoughts , questions, emotions it's confusing and overwhelming.
It is really normal during this life shattering process, to want some control. Obsessing over his internet activity is a way to try to get some control. As you move thrpugh this process you will come to a place where you will realize that his recovery is up to him and obsessing will just drive you crazy. What is he doing for recovery? Do you have P blockers on your computer? One thing that helped me initially, was removing the internet cable and taking it when I left the house (everytime my husband would be home alone he would bring it to me as I was getting my boots on to go). It was never a fight but something he did to decrease my anxiety as leaving him alone in the house was a huge trigger for me. Anyhow, what is your husband doing to recover? Counselling? Reading? Journalling? Porn blocker?
No he's not doing any of those things I'm just supposed to take his word that he's stopped although he has given me his password for his phone and IPad but doesn't really help as he can obviously just delete things or use the incognito tab.
Then I think your intuition is sensing something is not right. Often PAs just get better at hiding especially if they are not actively trying to quit. Actively trying to quit requires him to work at it by: Installing P filters Having internet removed from his phone or getting a flip phone Attending counselling Reading about the damages of P use Replacing P with a healthy coping skill Being honest at all times Connecting with you Unfortunately, with betrayal comes deceit. In my experience, the lying is the more difficult of the two to stop for PA.
It is so difficult. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. It is incredibly tough! You're safe to vent it here.
I think so. One thing I've learned since joining NoFap, therapy, recovery work etc is that once I strip away all this porn and sex addiction stuff what I'm really searching for is that intimate, meaningful connection. I found the person I'm supposed to do that with but this other stuff (PA, SA) has gotten in the way. Is the reason I'm doing this--to finally connect on that level I've been trying to reach for my entire life.
Personally my husband has been off of PMO for a year and a half and he told me from day one it never had anything to do with me and that I always had satisfied him. Even now, when I say that I am uncomfortable doing certain things that I used to do to compete, he was like, "I don't need that, I love you, you always satisfy me." It's taken us a while to get to that place but I think it can be accomplished.
Oh yeah same names! Ha thanks for the reply reassuring me 'it's safe to vent here' as this is all new to me I've never even posted anything to any type of forum before and not discussed partner PA with anyone before so I feel quite nervous . But I feel quite uplifted from the replies I've had already, im finding it really helpful to hear views from recovering PA's and partners off PA.s thanks everybody!
Thanks AnonymousAnnaXOXO Yeah my partner has always told me the same that it never had anything to do with me and that I satisfied him . But to me that contradicts, if I satisfy him and I'm enough for him I don't understand why he does it in the first place then? Why not come straight to me instead of looking for other women to look at online ?
I'm don't miss porn and chatrooms even though my wife has left. I absolutely do not prefer being without her, but if I cannot be with her I am content with nothing.
This very thing is now something I've heard a million times, both in my own head and from probably dozens of women on here. The contradiction really sucks. I always found myself gesturing towards myself and saying "I'm RIGHT HERE!" I guess what I'll say is this: I've learned that this addiction is the least logical one there is. It makes no sense that this is what they go to instead of relying on us, their partners. My theory is that they are looking for the exact opposite of us: A fantasy. Somewhere to escape to that has no ties to the real world. They tell themselves it's not a real woman, it won't do any harm, it's just for the release. I heard many a time "I didn't want to use you like that" when he wanted to just float away to a dream dimension and forget about everything, like paying bills, going to work, cleaning, all of it. In short, as a sort-of answer to your question, I believe they can be fully satisfied sexually with just their partner. But I also believe that they need to face whatever it is that they're trying to escape from or deal with in their own personal lives. Through therapy, or deep self-reflection, meditation, exercise, any or all of the above.
Thanks WantToBelieve Your reply was really good to read in fact I read it a couple of times over . Your theory makes sense and I hadn't thought of it like that before. Thank you for helping me to see it that way as that was a relief to use that theory instead of me thinking in my head that it's simply because he wants to look at somebody more attractive than me , sexier or slimmer or curvier whatever the case maybe.
You're welcome!!! Oh I'm so glad! That really makes me feel quite good inside. Unfortunately that's the conclusion that a lot of us have had to reach over time. It's too bad that this is so painful, it really takes a toll on our confidence and self-worth. And it's all because of naked people on a screen. Really, really sad. You seem like such a beautiful person, darling. Keep your chin up. We're all here for you.
Aw Thank you for your lovely kind words you've made me feel good too! I'm so glad I found the courage to post on here today an speak to all you lovely people . An yes the toll it takes on confidence and self esteem is mind blowing. I can't even put into words how bad I've felt somedays and then at the same time being so confused thinking I was the only person affected like that after being told by my PA partner ' all men do it' and none of his ex girlfriends minded ' so then I'd start thinking what is my problem ?why do I feel such depressive despair over this ? and so damn inadequate feeling like I was trying to compete with countless women everyday!
God I hope so. Otherwise all the pain and effort I'm going through to forgive my husband and better our relationship is for nought. And all the hard work my husband is doing to become a better man and overcome his addiction is for nought. I'm off to read some success stories now for inspiration......
@Trying-to-heal I so relate to the obsession with catching him. And the feeling of I’m right here! Thank you for venting. It helps to know others are in the same place.