Alright, so I'm new to NoFap. I've been in recovery for about a year now, and part of an in person group. During this span I've had a handful of relapses, so it would be a period of time with no PMO and then getting into the cycle and acting out. I was not honest with my partner, not honest with my group, and not honest with myself, about these relapses, which of course led to a huge breach of trust when my partner found out. It was frightening when I was found out, again. It brought up old wounds/trama for my partner. It brought out the shame and guilt feelings in myself, and the "if she really knew me, she would leave" feeling/emotion. Fast forward and I've been PMO free now for just over a month now. I have daily check-ins with my partner and am feeling good about progress, about having no secrets and no lies. It is a freeing feeling. I'm here to help work my recovery and to hopefully help out anyone that I can. I know that connection is the opposite as of addiction, so I am here to connect.
Hey RunningFree! Thank you for sharing your story, and welcome to the community. Congratulations on being PMO free for over a month. That's a great accomplishment. Be sure to explore NoFap for all the resources it has to offer! I wish you good luck on your journey!
Hi @RunningFree Welcome to NoFap. Yours is an interesting background in that you have tried and failed to quit before, despite signing up to an in-person recovery group. In your post above you identified the central issue - "not honest with." You are faced with two issues at present - beating your addiction and mending your relationship with your partner. Complete honesty is the key to both. Just about every SO on this site will say that the lies, deception, destruction of trust etc. are the worst aspect of being the SO to a PA. The fact that your partner knows you repeatedly lied to her means that she will quite naturally have doubts about everything you tell her now. She will be afraid that you are still lying to her. Trust can be broken in an instant but can only be healed over time. You will need to keep being completely transparent and open. Show your commitment to your recovery and to total honesty on a daily basis. Do not expect praise or gratitutude, or instant forgiveness. Your partner will be pleased; it will help her to heal, but you have a $100 overdraft in the trust bank and you can only repay it one cent at a time. Honesty with yourself is also key. You have continued to lie to yourself over the last year. You say you have been in recovery for a year but have you really? Recovery only starts for real when you make that commitment to yourself that PMO is over for good. I thoroughly recommend you quit M, not just P. There is a slippery slope from MO, back to PMO, so make the commitment that I have made and stuck to, that I will only experience O with my SO. You must truly understand that relapsing is no longer an option. At this point in your life, PMO would give you a few moments of pleasure - a dopamine hit to mask whatever stress you are feeling at that moment but the cost would be colossal - potentially the loss of your partner, disruption of any family life, and the continuation of a cycle that has damaged your life for years and caused you a deep feeling of shame - sometimes supressed but always there under the surface. So if there is any small part of your brain which is hanging on to the thought that you may go back to PMO, root it out. Look around this site if those stubborn brain cells need any more convincing. Read the stories of broken-marriages, divorces, children with disrupted lives, suicide attempts, PTSD - the cost of PA is measured in pain and misery for the addict and those they love. So now you have a genuine month under your belt - which is great. You need to keep building on that. Get to two months, three months of genuine recovery and the benefits will continue to build, while all the time you are slowly paying off that trust debt. A few tips, based on personal experience and advice gleaned from others here: Above all, be completely honest and open with yourself and with your partner, at all times. Find ways of relieving stress that work for you and that do not involve screen use - exercise, walking, listening to music, a hobby, meditation - whatever works for you. You should find that you have both more time and more energy without PMO in your life - use it wisely on things that really matter such as family time. Work hard on your relationship. Your partner has been generous and strong enough to still be with you despite your lies and deceit. Put the effort into understanding her - what really matters to her. I have been with my wife for more than 30 years and am still discovering things about her. Consider doing the 5 love languages together to help you communicate better. In the bedroom, focus your attention on your partner. Reconnect with her in a dozen intimate ways. Re-discover what a treat for all the senses making love to a real flesh and blood woman is. Be selfless. Revel in the pleasure you can bring her. Enjoy her Os as much as your own. Be the best lover you can be. Go out and buy your partner a surprise present today. Something small but personal. Maybe flowers. A small gesture that symbolises a million things that can't be put into words incuding regret, gratitude, determination, hope and most of all love. Good luck. Amid all the carnage that PA has produced, there are success stories too. There are those who have looked over the brink of the abyss and turned their lives around. Make sure you are one of them. ANH
Thanks for the message and the sound advice, ANH. I completely agree that honesty is the key. PMO has been a problem for so many years, yet it was not until relatively recently that I recognized and realized that I had a problem. That was part of it, the denial and the rationalizing. I'm definitely working hard on my relationship, she has continued to stand by me and support me. I am working on building and gaining trust again, with consistent behavior, open and honest conversation, and growing our connection and intimacy. I appreciate your support and advice.
Thank you for the message. Yes, we know about FANOS and have tried it. Now that I am in a reboot phase I think we will have better FANOS conversations. My partner has talked about karezza, and we did try it last weekend, although it was not a planned thing. It was very enjoyable and with me obtaining from an O, it allowed me to really focus on her in a way that I have not for some time. Really built some connection and intimacy with us as well, from my standpoint. I am also in a SA group, and it is hugely helpful to talk with other guys in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. It has been a big help in my recovery, and I was skeptical at first. I would recommend group for all who want to break away from porn. It's like NoFap, the sense of being in a community and knowing that you are not alone, and not the only one going through this. The support and understanding and more importantly the accountability with the group. Again, grateful for you sharing all of this great information, very helpful and supportive. It also brings hope to hear of your story, your success as a couple, and how you have supported your husband. Much appreciated!
You're welcome! People hear at nofap shared the ideas of FANOS and karezza with us, so I am always glad when I can pass it on to someone new.
Thanks Anon117. There are lots of inspirational stories in here and also good advice. Glad I listened to my SO @Torn and am using this site and it's wealth of resources.
Hi Runningfree. I'm trying to catch up with reading PAs posts. It's good as an SO to get input from other addicts about what they feel and go through. I think it might give me a better understanding of my husband's journey. Congrats for turning your life around. I'll keep a look out for you!
Hi. Glad you are here. I’m new too. Just recently realized PMO was the cause of my partners ED. Anyhow, I’m familiar with the feeling you described. Giving credit to that feeling can lead you deeper into addictive responses. For years that feeling led the desperation I always felt about finding and staying in relationships. I want you to know that all people have a vague sense of not being good enough. How you respond to that feeling can be constructive or destructive. But primarily the best response is to not believe it. The best response is to give yourself love. How do you do this? Speak your truth. Be completely authentic with your loved ones and others who have a impact on your life. Stand up for the valuable individual you are. My addiction to cigarettes was caused by a need to caretake negative emotion instead of expressing them. I was afraid of my anger, sadness, resentment. When I let go of the outcome and spoke truth I began to be less afraid of being me. I began to honor myself. The amazing thing happened is others began to honor and respect me. There became no need to medicate my pain and live with the anxiety that people would find out who I really was and leave me. Valuing myself opened me to give love to others abundantly not fearfully. It’s a cliche to love yourself. I never knew what that meant. But now I think it means being utterly real with who you are, warts and all, and being okay with whomever wants to stick around or not. I tell me daughter: some willl hate you no matter what you do, some won’t care about you no matter what you do, some will love you no matter what you do. Give those people wo love you a chance to see you and you’ll be amazed at how healing their love can be.
Thanks @blk45. That's sound advice, thank you for sharing. I hope that you and your partner can work through the PMO. I have begun to think along those lines as well and it has helped me deal with certain people in my life in a different manner. I stopped caring what they thought, and instead stood up and held my ground. And you are completely correct on what you tell your daughter. It reminds me of Bob Marley's verse, you can fool some people some time but you can't fool all the people all the time. Being true to yourself, no need to fool anyone.
Thanks for that. Great quote. I just left a friends house who is on the verge of divorce because her husband keeps relapsing into drug use. I took one thing away from that I’d like to share. The person we have to most careful about not fooling is ourselves. I know she wishes she hadn’t.
