Heart Ache--Can I get some advice?

FeatheredTalo · Jan 3, 2018

So, during my transition into rebooting, my girlfriend and I agreed to take a "break." What this entailed included a no talk agreement--my addiction was affecting my perception of how she felt about me and vice versa.

Prior to this agreement and after finding out about my addiction, my girlfriend had been going to another person for wood working projects, but later made decisions to stay over at their place, have dinner, hang out, etc. While I'm in this crisis of trying to figure out how to make things up to her from my addiction, she is getting comfort from someone I've never met.

My thoughts were, "Okay, we need the space, I hurt her and she is really mad at me, so this would be good for her to work on other things." Needless to say, I understood where she was coming from and felt that anytime I needed help from her, and whenever we would try to talk about this problem, I would receive shameful micro-aggression after micro-aggression (i.e., "How could you do this to me? You make me sick. I need someone who's grown up."), so a break was surely needed.

Fast forward to about a month and a half. We've talked on and off, and I can tell the hurt of my porn addiction reveal is still within her, while simultaneously she worries that I'm still using while we are separated. I tell her I've been making good progress and had a long streak of two weeks.

She said, "That's good. I miss you. Hopefully soon we can be at a good point together. It still hurts right now. Maybe I should tell you now, then, that I've slept with *****."

...

I'm still in shock. I never expected to hear that from someone I love and care about. She's obviously muddled about it, but says that it's one of those situations where I lied for so long about my addiction, that she had been hurt so many times by so many men, that her PTSD and anxiety got so bad that she couldn't look to me for emotional support--the thing we both needed the most--and went to this other person for it.

"The sex just happened." She said, "It meant nothing to me. But at least I found out that having sex could be pleasurable again." That was a dagger; I had long been worried over my ability to perform with her as 8 out of 10 times never verbalized if she was uncomfortable during intercourse, but I could always tell and got anxious whenever that happened.

"I love you, still." She said, "You are the person I want to be with."

I'm still at a loss. I don't know what to do except give each other space. In my panic, I'm texting friends to hang out, avoiding interactions with my girlfriend, and downloading dating apps in this need for attention.

I'm so lost and confused at this point and time. But, with all rationality out of the window, I love her with every fiber of my being.

What do I do? How do I reflect on this and still keep the outcome of being with this person? Or should I?

GG2002 · Jan 3, 2018

FeatheredTalo said: ↑

So, during my transition into rebooting, my girlfriend and I agreed to take a "break." What this entailed included a no talk agreement--my addiction was affecting my perception of how she felt about me and vice versa.

Prior to this agreement and after finding out about my addiction, my girlfriend had been going to another person for wood working projects, but later made decisions to stay over at their place, have dinner, hang out, etc. While I'm in this crisis of trying to figure out how to make things up to her from my addiction, she is getting comfort from someone I've never met.

My thoughts were, "Okay, we need the space, I hurt her and she is really mad at me, so this would be good for her to work on other things." Needless to say, I understood where she was coming from and felt that anytime I needed help from her, and whenever we would try to talk about this problem, I would receive shameful micro-aggression after micro-aggression (i.e., "How could you do this to me? You make me sick. I need someone who's grown up."), so a break was surely needed.

Fast forward to about a month and a half. We've talked on and off, and I can tell the hurt of my porn addiction reveal is still within her, while simultaneously she worries that I'm still using while we are separated. I tell her I've been making good progress and had a long streak of two weeks.

She said, "That's good. I miss you. Hopefully soon we can be at a good point together. It still hurts right now. Maybe I should tell you now, then, that I've slept with *****."

...

I'm still in shock. I never expected to hear that from someone I love and care about. She's obviously muddled about it, but says that it's one of those situations where I lied for so long about my addiction, that she had been hurt so many times by so many men, that her PTSD and anxiety got so bad that she couldn't look to me for emotional support--the thing we both needed the most--and went to this other person for it.

"The sex just happened." She said, "It meant nothing to me. But at least I found out that having sex could be pleasurable again." That was a dagger; I had long been worried over my ability to perform with her as 8 out of 10 times never verbalized if she was uncomfortable during intercourse, but I could always tell and got anxious whenever that happened.

"I love you, still." She said, "You are the person I want to be with."

I'm still at a loss. I don't know what to do except give each other space. In my panic, I'm texting friends to hang out, avoiding interactions with my girlfriend, and downloading dating apps in this need for attention.

I'm so lost and confused at this point and time. But, with all rationality out of the window, I love her with every fiber of my being.

What do I do? How do I reflect on this and still keep the outcome of being with this person? Or should I?
Click to expand...

Hi I am so sorry you are going through this. Heartbreak really sucks and most of us have been there, I understand how much you want the pain to stop and wonder if it will ever get better. It will get better, and you will be happy again.

Now for some stuff that may be hard to hear. I was a SO and I ended things with my ex who was an addict and I can sympathize with her feelings and actions, but I think you also fully understand why she did what she did. You have been dealing with PMO for a long time. So when she found out or you told her, it likely felt like a relief, and you wanted her support to move forward. To her it felt like her whole world came crashing down. The person she thought you were you are not. She is just starting to process what you have told her, you have been coping with it for years. She is thinking she has no idea who you are. She questions her ability to judge people not just you, how could she be so wrong? And the lying the lying is 100 times worse than the PMO. She is now uncertain what is true. Every memory she has with you is now scarred with the question of dishonesty. She may never be able to trust you again, and if she does it is going to take a very long time and a lot of work and honesty on your part, as well as hers. It is going to take her a lot longer than you can imagine to get over this if you get back together.

When women are in relationships with men who are PMO addicts it does a number on their self esteem. We feel we are not enough for you. You don’t initiate sex, you ignore us and then go take your sexual energy out on porn. Women want to be desired. If you don’t desire her she will look for that elsewhere. If you have ED, DE, PE or any other issues in bed, we stop enjoying sex with you. Sex results in failure and it reminds us you don’t think we are attractive enough. Even men that don’t have these issues, if they are PMO addicts are usually very selfish in bed, and sex lacks intimacy, no touching, no kissing. Having sex with a PMO addict is horrible. And no matter if you tell her she is attractive till the end of time she still thinks she is not. She longs for a man to pay attention to her.

She can’t support your recovery because she has too much pain of her own. You can’t expect her to be there for you or be your support, that’s not her job. You are asking her to empathize with the person who caused her horrendous pain, for most of us that’s just not possible. You can’t support her because you are too busy dealing with your own recovery and that’s understandable. But she does need support. She’s afraid to tell others about your addiction because she’s embarrassed she thinks others will blame her, and she’s not that far off, many will.

She was honest with you about what happened, she did not cheat. She did not have to tell you. What you need to do now is focus on recovery. You need to get well for you not for her and you can’t let your recovery fall or rise based on what is going on with her or anyone else. One thing I can say is that from a SOs perspective most of us would like to see you to have a longer streak of being clean before we even consider coming back. While to you two weeks might be huge, if you keep going back to it, it makes it less and less likely that we will give you a second chance. You say she does not believe you when you say you are not doing it while you are apart, but never actually say you are not. So are you clean, are you being honest?

Some relationships are just too broken to repair. There is too much hurt and people can’t get past it. If you don’t have kids and are not married often it’s better to both just move on. If she can’t forgive you even if you get back together neither of you will ever be happy. She may not be able to and you may not be ready to do what’s necessary to obtain your forgiveness.

If I were you I would move on with my life as if the two of you are not going to be together otherwise you will be living in limbo. If it happens then it does but don’t base your recovery on that. If you need to totally cut her out from your life. Seek counseling and get clean. Getting clean ensures that when the right women is there you will be ready to receive her in your life. You are not ready now. Maybe you will be and she will be sometime in the future. So decide to be sad for a few days, a week, cope, cry, etc but then decide you need to move forward and get clean.

Kikobraz · Jan 3, 2018

GG2002 said: ↑

Hi I am so sorry you are going through this. Heartbreak really sucks and most of us have been there, I understand how much you want the pain to stop and wonder if it will ever get better. It will get better, and you will be happy again.

Now for some stuff that may be hard to hear. I was a SO and I ended things with my ex who was an addict and I can sympathize with her feelings and actions, but I think you also fully understand why she did what she did. You have been dealing with PMO for a long time. So when she found out or you told her, it likely felt like a relief, and you wanted her support to move forward. To her it felt like her whole world came crashing down. The person she thought you were you are not. She is just starting to process what you have told her, you have been coping with it for years. She is thinking she has no idea who you are. She questions her ability to judge people not just you, how could she be so wrong? And the lying the lying is 100 times worse than the PMO. She is now uncertain what is true. Every memory she has with you is now scarred with the question of dishonesty. She may never be able to trust you again, and if she does it is going to take a very long time and a lot of work and honesty on your part, as well as hers. It is going to take her a lot longer than you can imagine to get over this if you get back together.

When women are in relationships with men who are PMO addicts it does a number on their self esteem. We feel we are not enough for you. You don’t initiate sex, you ignore us and then go take your sexual energy out on porn. Women want to be desired. If you don’t desire her she will look for that elsewhere. If you have ED, DE, PE or any other issues in bed, we stop enjoying sex with you. Sex results in failure and it reminds us you don’t think we are attractive enough. Even men that don’t have these issues, if they are PMO addicts are usually very selfish in bed, and sex lacks intimacy, no touching, no kissing. Having sex with a PMO addict is horrible. And no matter if you tell her she is attractive till the end of time she still thinks she is not. She longs for a man to pay attention to her.

She can’t support your recovery because she has too much pain of her own. You can’t expect her to be there for you or be your support, that’s not her job. You are asking her to empathize with the person who caused her horrendous pain, for most of us that’s just not possible. You can’t support her because you are too busy dealing with your own recovery and that’s understandable. But she does need support. She’s afraid to tell others about your addiction because she’s embarrassed she thinks others will blame her, and she’s not that far off, many will.

She was honest with you about what happened, she did not cheat. She did not have to tell you. What you need to do now is focus on recovery. You need to get well for you not for her and you can’t let your recovery fall or rise based on what is going on with her or anyone else. One thing I can say is that from a SOs perspective most of us would like to see you to have a longer streak of being clean before we even consider coming back. While to you two weeks might be huge, if you keep going back to it, it makes it less and less likely that we will give you a second chance. You say she does not believe you when you say you are not doing it while you are apart, but never actually say you are not. So are you clean, are you being honest?

Some relationships are just too broken to repair. There is too much hurt and people can’t get past it. If you don’t have kids and are not married often it’s better to both just move on. If she can’t forgive you even if you get back together neither of you will ever be happy. She may not be able to and you may not be ready to do what’s necessary to obtain your forgiveness.

If I were you I would move on with my life as if the two of you are not going to be together otherwise you will be living in limbo. If it happens then it does but don’t base your recovery on that. If you need to totally cut her out from your life. Seek counseling and get clean. Getting clean ensures that when the right women is there you will be ready to receive her in your life. You are not ready now. Maybe you will be and she will be sometime in the future. So decide to be sad for a few days, a week, cope, cry, etc but then decide you need to move forward and get clean.
Click to expand...

beautifully written. From some one that has lost the woman I loved the most to PMO

Runtilmylegsdropoff · Jan 3, 2018

Knife in heart. Sucks man, I'm sorry.

Queenie%Bee · Jan 3, 2018

GG2002 said: ↑

Hi I am so sorry you are going through this. Heartbreak really sucks and most of us have been there, I understand how much you want the pain to stop and wonder if it will ever get better. It will get better, and you will be happy again.

Now for some stuff that may be hard to hear. I was a SO and I ended things with my ex who was an addict and I can sympathize with her feelings and actions, but I think you also fully understand why she did what she did. You have been dealing with PMO for a long time. So when she found out or you told her, it likely felt like a relief, and you wanted her support to move forward. To her it felt like her whole world came crashing down. The person she thought you were you are not. She is just starting to process what you have told her, you have been coping with it for years. She is thinking she has no idea who you are. She questions her ability to judge people not just you, how could she be so wrong? And the lying the lying is 100 times worse than the PMO. She is now uncertain what is true. Every memory she has with you is now scarred with the question of dishonesty. She may never be able to trust you again, and if she does it is going to take a very long time and a lot of work and honesty on your part, as well as hers. It is going to take her a lot longer than you can imagine to get over this if you get back together.

When women are in relationships with men who are PMO addicts it does a number on their self esteem. We feel we are not enough for you. You don’t initiate sex, you ignore us and then go take your sexual energy out on porn. Women want to be desired. If you don’t desire her she will look for that elsewhere. If you have ED, DE, PE or any other issues in bed, we stop enjoying sex with you. Sex results in failure and it reminds us you don’t think we are attractive enough. Even men that don’t have these issues, if they are PMO addicts are usually very selfish in bed, and sex lacks intimacy, no touching, no kissing. Having sex with a PMO addict is horrible. And no matter if you tell her she is attractive till the end of time she still thinks she is not. She longs for a man to pay attention to her.

She can’t support your recovery because she has too much pain of her own. You can’t expect her to be there for you or be your support, that’s not her job. You are asking her to empathize with the person who caused her horrendous pain, for most of us that’s just not possible. You can’t support her because you are too busy dealing with your own recovery and that’s understandable. But she does need support. She’s afraid to tell others about your addiction because she’s embarrassed she thinks others will blame her, and she’s not that far off, many will.

She was honest with you about what happened, she did not cheat. She did not have to tell you. What you need to do now is focus on recovery. You need to get well for you not for her and you can’t let your recovery fall or rise based on what is going on with her or anyone else. One thing I can say is that from a SOs perspective most of us would like to see you to have a longer streak of being clean before we even consider coming back. While to you two weeks might be huge, if you keep going back to it, it makes it less and less likely that we will give you a second chance. You say she does not believe you when you say you are not doing it while you are apart, but never actually say you are not. So are you clean, are you being honest?

Some relationships are just too broken to repair. There is too much hurt and people can’t get past it. If you don’t have kids and are not married often it’s better to both just move on. If she can’t forgive you even if you get back together neither of you will ever be happy. She may not be able to and you may not be ready to do what’s necessary to obtain your forgiveness.

If I were you I would move on with my life as if the two of you are not going to be together otherwise you will be living in limbo. If it happens then it does but don’t base your recovery on that. If you need to totally cut her out from your life. Seek counseling and get clean. Getting clean ensures that when the right women is there you will be ready to receive her in your life. You are not ready now. Maybe you will be and she will be sometime in the future. So decide to be sad for a few days, a week, cope, cry, etc but then decide you need to move forward and get clean.
Click to expand...

Perfectly written . I’m sure that all hurts to hear , but an SO needs to be heard

FeatheredTalo · Jan 4, 2018

@GG2002 This is all difficult to come to terms with, but I appreciate your input.

It's... all very humbling.

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Heart Ache--Can I get some advice?

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