My Journal - Desperate, Good Looking 23 y/o Kissless Virgin

Hi Everyone,

I'm the person thats been cruising these posts and forums for a long time without having ever posted. After failing constantly (longest streak was 5 days) for 9 months I feel like I should finally try and make myself accountable to someone/people even if it is only anonymous.

~~Purpose and context.~~

Basically when I was young I had all the friends in the world, my future looked bright and I was always happy, always trying to have fun. After grade 8 it was off to high school which was nerve-racking but the first few weeks turned out to be fun. However, since I had been to a smaller private school for the first part of my education, I didn't quite get the practice of how to hang out with large groups of friends. Also I am what you would call a classic, texbook, "late-bloomer," meaning that I only began looking the way I do around 19 or 20, prior to that I was extremely awkward and not aesthetically pleasing at all. I was a tall, blonde, big eared nerd with bad acne. I stood out very badly. Needless to say my poor social skills and my appearance lead to some pretty incessant bullying. To paint a clear picture by the end of grade 12 eating lunch in the bathroom without a single friend had become the routine of many years. In fact, the only time I wasn't hiding in the washroom was during class.

I began spending all my time by myself and resorted to heavy drinking and daily marijuana smoking to alleviate the lack of friends and happiness.

Sometime during grade 9 I began masturbating to pornography, the first time was magical. my first ever sexual experience had been in front of a computer, by myself, but nonetheless magical. All I would think about was going home at the end of the day to get in front of the computer, my addiction was SEVERE. Even at the time it was at least 5 times a day, every day. I wouldn't even try talking to girls or if I would it would only be as a friend because I was so nervous, and paralyzed by the fact that I was only born with one testicle. (I have since had a prosthetic one inserted for a more natural look and feel)Also my motivation was low already because of all the fapping. If I could just fap, why would I torture myself with all the nervousness, and effort.

At this point my motivation for school was non existent, which was crushing for my family because they had always treasured education above all. The only things I did were smoke marijuana, drink, and masturbate. I had a 50% average and the only person I could talk to about even a third of my insecurities was a great guidance counselor. Suffice to say i kept it all inside.

~~Fastforward to after highschool~~

After a 4 month stint in a rehabilitation facility to help handle my (then) now rampant substance abuse problem, I had been "closely associated" with a young woman of my age who was also at the facility. Finally, as I was beginning to emerge from my super awkward shell I was receiving very limited attention from girls. After going to her house where I'd been invited, instead of trying to make a move, I literally fapped in the downstairs washroom, at her house because I was so frustrated sexually, and numbed/frozen with fear of initiation. After doing this for two nights in a row, I finally left. Needless to say the "relationship" (put in quotations because I have never understood what constitutes or defines what a relationship, or dating, even is)eventually fizzled and we lost contact. It was the beginning of a large string of attempts from girls/women to get closer to me but where my MASSIVE (can't stress this enough) self image issues, social anxieties, sexual paralysis, and fear of intimacy reigned supreme.

Finally pull myself together through all the negative emotion and (2 years later) complete a few last high school credits online so that, by some miracle am able to go to university. I considered myself very lucky and was excited.

However, when the day to move in came, I as severely anxious and deliberately went out of my way to not meet anybody, especially the better looking girls. Thinking back I think my lack of social skills was very obvious to everyone, who had all had the practice of talking, flirting, dating, courting and even loving in high school.

I began drinking to help alleviate some of my anxiety, but then substances would quickly become the things I actively sought out when I went to parties, not the girls that were being introduced to me. I would deliberately avoid girls in the hopes of hoarding more alcohol to drink or finding marijuana to buy and smoke. Upon getting high and/or drunk enough I'd just leave. Go home, play video games, listen to death metal and cry myself to sleep. One night in particular stands out.... (exactly a year ago), I was asked to come over to a girls apartment for drinks, just me and her but I was so nervous (WTF) that I replied that "sorry, I already had plans." I then (get this) stayed in my room across the hall by myself, fapped, drank, and watched movies.

The worst part is that I did this several times WITH DIFFERENT GIRLS.

Alot of you may be thinking that I'm a waste of time because had all these golden opportunities and "chose" to squander them, but my anxiety and social problems were so severely debilitating and inhibiting, I literally would not have been able to follow through physically, or mentally (and knew this). Keep in mind that I'm fapping on average about 5-10 times per day. After a while the guys in my life, only have guy friends not a single friend thats a girl, began asking questions like why dont I even try and get with girls/women. Many of them still ask, and Im not sure how many more excuses I can come up with. I'm constantly being told how good looking I am, but I dont have the motivation, or even the skillset to capitalize on it. I've got what people spend their lives, and tens of thousands of dollars trying to achieve, but squander it. It's such a waste it's almost enough to send me flying into a rage (which have become more and more common, though I dont lash out at other people[at least try not to])

Frankly, when I see attractive girls with other guys, and know that I could also be doing the same thing, it's so acutely depressing that I often have suicidal thoughts. I feel like I'e always been a nice guy, (in spirit but not always to girls/women [masking true emotion]), and played the role of victim long enough.

There was along time 2-3 years that I actually had begun training myself to consciously accept the fact that I would never be able to gain a companion because I just wasn't capable of it. I thought that if I accepted that fact sooner rather than later then I would feel less that 100% depressed all the time. As i write this it brings tears to my eyes the state of mind that I was in because i know I DID NOT deserve the kind of life I was living.

Finally I stumbled across noFap by accident, and everything made so much sense.This website, and the other journals actually may have saved my life, literally and figuratively. I know deep down what I'm capable of. I've got an extremely quick wit, and am always trying to be funny, usually successfully. At least I was before high school and the beginning of the "perma-fog" thats been wafting through my brain for the last decade.

January 1st 2013 I set out to conquer my addiction which lasted 3 days. After months of achieving only 2 and 3 day streaks, I finally made it to 4 days. Last month, I made it to day 5 and almost had 6 when the thoughts started creeping in and I relapsed. Just before I decided to come on this site I had another 2 day streak but relapsed and now I'm in a very dark, very lonely place(again...).

This is my final alternative. The only option I have left to exhaust. Short of abandoning everything and doing something radical, like leaving the country to live with no electricity somewhere or something (lol?).

I downloaded an App called BrainBuddy which helps to master porn addiction and I'll be posting about my day here when I check in at night with the App.

Also I'll be quitting video games, unless it's a LAN party, and alcohol/pot/smoking (except a single glass of red wine with dinner [more of a food thing, also it's very good for you]).

I will be exercising with cold showers 3 times daily.

I am Optimistic that this will be the time thats different and I will somehow get it right but havent we all thought that 100 million times before?!?!

Part of me is still scared it wont work. Even though my resolve now is stronger than ever. Im in full girly-man mode as I write this because I'm crying with tears of rage and sorrow at what my once potentially very promising life has turned into.

~~FINALLY~~

Things I would like to see are as follows: finally gain respect back from my family, find a companion that i'm attracted to and who is attracted to me, that will eventually maybe love me for who I am, recover my sharp intelligence and memory that has been lost for so, so many years,realize my potential so that I am happy, full-filled, and can return to society by helping others who need it the most (seriously, I WANT to help others), wake up in the morning without feeling like its not even close to worth it.

~~END~~

Even if you guys just read this I will already feel better. More or less, on the whole, give or take, I've been able to wear an exceptionally effective facade whereby most people actually think I'm normal and mentally healthy. This is the first time I've ever even considered telling someone most of my most embarrassing secrets. Even If its a bunch of random people on the internet.

Thanks SO much for your time and any encouragement might make the difference of a lifetime, in the truest sense of the expression.

ANY ADVICE ON WHAT YOU DO TO STOP THE THOUGHTS PLEASE MENTION

Good Night, My Friends

 

Hi all,

Finished day one. Very low energy all day. I did play video games, and let my diet slip quite significantly. Not the worst that could happen, all things considered. Didn't get any real cravings today, which was nice. We'll see what happens tomorrow...

G'night

 

Hey Folks,

Just wrapping up day 2 now, mostly the exact same as yesterday except with marginally increased energy, and I felt about a percent better. No real cravings.

Looking forward to tomorrow,

Best

 

Evening guys,

Thanks for the comments, definitely taken into great consideration. The well wishes are worth a lot.

Just wrapped up day 3. No real cravings yet, which is unusual, since I am 50% through my all-time record.

Exercised, few colds showers, did play video games, and diet was off but tomorrow I'm hoping to correct both of those. I'll definitely get a counter going and give you a shout tomorrow bonbon. As for the mask and the bat, very insightful. I hope your doing well and are as positive IRL. Hope to hear back again.

Until next time (tomorrow night)

 

Hey guys,

Just finishing day 4. I got a MONSTER craving today around 3 and then another one at 7. Admittedly I almost acted on them but I was able to realize that they were due more to habit than actual horniness. And the fact that I want this so bad was enough to get me to check myself. I'm out working on a group project and I'll be up early in the morning as well so I won't have to time to do much other than make a quick post now and tomorrow night. I'll set up a counter and start trying to help you guys out when I get a chance.

Anyway, bring on day 5 and onto a new record.

Something feels different....

 

Hi gang,

Wrapping up day 5, haven't done this ever in my life. I will admit, that I looked up porn, and fully indulged for several periods of 5 minutes or so. However, I shut it off each time, and didn't even touch myself once. I literally just fought a nuclear war in my head today. It was like opening up porn, one part of me screaming at the other that I can always try and quit in the future again, I'll have other opportunities, the content I was looking at was particular new and enticing, to give in, allow a full PMO session, etc, etc. The other part of my brain (the one causing the mouse to scroll up to the red X at top left) was screaming right back that I would have to admit to you guys that I had fully relapsed.

It literally got to the point that the novelty of viewing the porn wore off, and I realized that to masturbate, and complete the screw-up would be entirely out of habit, and not horniness. It got to the point where I was looking at images on the screen, without an erection. It was surreal.

I've decided that because I actually looked at porn, without masturbating, fighting off the most insane urges I've ever experienced to date, that I can successfully weather anything else this addiction can throw at me.

If you guys want to call this a relapse fine. I'm not going to because I didn't touch myself at ALL. and I consciously ended up winning the battle. The laptop was shut for good, a cold shower was taken, heavy metal was listened to, and I managed to shut all the thoughts out for now.

I have NEVER been able to do that before. And I know I will never even look at porn again in my life, with the most absolute certainty I've ever experienced.

Guys, I already feel different.

I really do.

Never again.

Until tomorrow

DAY 6