Can't seem to abstain from porn

So when I'm at work I'm fine. It's easy to stay away from porn. When the weekend comes, that's another story, or if I'm stuck at the house because of snow, like right now. I don't even wanna watch porn anymore. It's the craziest shit. I have no interest in actually watching it, yet I still end up watching it. I guess it's such an old and strong habit. If I'm bored, I PMO. I've always done that, and it makes me feel better. Take earlier today for instance. I'm stuck at the house because of a shit load of snow outside. Before I PMOed, I just felt so bored and pretty depressed. I mean, I have things I can do, but I just don't really wanna do any of them. It was the mood I was in, and I just found myself thinking of PMOing. It's like I knew watching porn and masturbating would make me feel better. Again, I really didn't even have an interest in watching porn and I really didn't wanna masturbate, but I still went ahead and did it. I know it's bad for me. It destroys my natural libido and makes me feel anxious, but I guess I've always relied on it. It's what I do when I'm bored and stuck at the house. God it's so hard to stay away from it, especially when I'm stuck at the house and have nowhere to go. Hell, even on the weekend I really don't wanna go anywhere. I need to figure something out. I'm just getting things off of my mind. It helps.

 

I've thought about it, but I just don't know. I feel like it's overkill to literally block these sites. I just need to gain more self-control and willpower. So far I'm feeling a little different. I was having thoughts of PMOing again, but I stopped myself. I know that it's just gonna damage me and again, I really have no desire to even masturbate, but the thoughts to PMO are there. I'm trying to learn from every relapse I have and I think I've learned that there are different causes for me to PMO. The first cause is of course lust. I get aroused, so I go and PMO. Pretty straight forward, but I don't always PMO if I'm horny. Sometimes I'll just masturbate without porn, which in my opinion is healthy, but it's just so hard to stay with that because porn complements it so well and makes it so much better. I pretty much always end up going back to porn if I keep masturbating. The second cause, which is kinda related to the third, is boredom. If I'm stuck at the house, I'll go watch some porn and masturbate. It kills time, it feels good, and it gives me dopamine which makes me feel better afterwards, which brings me to the third reason. Sometimes I PMO simply to feel better, like earlier. I just felt so depressed and out of it, so I thought I'd go and PMO to feel better, even though I had no actual desire to masturbate and I really didn't even wanna watch porn because I know that it's evil shit. I PMOed and I felt better, but it was only temporarily. I still feel depressed right now. I relapsed again and it was for nothing. It's just a temporary relief. Anyway, I'm gonna try my damndest to stay away from porn.

 

Yeah it's extremely hard. It's also really hard to stay away from when you're smoking reefer and sitting at the house with unlimited access to the internet and porn. It's good that you don't have social anxiety man. I have some degree of it and it sucks. I mean, I can talk to people and go out and shit, but I still get nervous in certain situations. The main thing is I'm really not a big talker to begin with unless I've been drinking. I do feel better when I'm doing NoFap, but it's not a cure all. One time I was on a 11 day streak and I went out drinking with some friends only to find I was depressed and I didn't wanna go out and be around people. I'm trying to work on that shit. Maybe one day I'll figure everything out. Maybe.