I am a straight, 23 year old male. I have had suffered from OCD and low confidence for years. I have also been using PMO since I was 14. In the last few years, it has become excessive, at least once a day. Constantly doing it. If I'm at home, I see a woman that I find very attractive in a show or a video or I see some girl on girl, I need to PMO and I give in. Sometimes, I do it anywhere from one to three times in a day. I'm 23, finished college in May, never kissed a woman, never had sex, never had a girlfriend. There were girls in college that liked me, but I was either oblivious or I became too scared of sounding stupid to her. My OCD has started making me obsess over my sexual orientation (HOCD). Because of this, I began looking crazily at both straight (and lesbian) and gay porn. Straight (and lesbian) turns me on and gay digusts me. The disgusting images stay in my head and constantly cause feelings of revulsion. Clear proof of no sexual attraction, right? I did it COMPULSIVELY. Hours and hours of testing behavior and checking. New Year's Eve was ruined by doing this from 7 PM until 10 MINUTES to midnight. I stopped looking at it. No point of looking at stuff that disgusts me for days afterwards. Women arouse me and men don't. But now, my mind is obsessing over romantic attraction. I looked at pictures of women and men kissing and then did the same thing for two men. I didn't like the way the gay ones looked. Tried to look at it again, and I didn't really feel anything negative or positive and it made me scared that I actually wanted that. I tried to imagine myself in that situation and didn't feel anything. When I try to imagine myself with a woman, and I feel aroused. The images are stuck in my fucking head and I don't want them there. I'm sick of sexual images in general, but the one with women are actually enjoyable but even they're losing their allure. The blunting of the reactions to both is making me scared that I'm bisexual or something even thought I don't like men like that. This morning, I woke up at 3 and tried to look test the porn and O'd like 8 times in an hourz Still, I don't excited to any images and that started the fear. At work, I try to image myself with a woman: Arousal. Switch to a man: Either lose arousal or don't get arousal and my ability to get aroused is lost. Still, I'm not convinced and the anxiety rises because then afterwards, arousal is blunted and then later in the day, something with women will trigger my arousal. I deleted my dating apps, decided to start working out more, stop PMO for a while, and focus on my confidence and I'm done testing. The fear is at it's boiling point right now. I don't want any gay images in my head constantly causing disgust. I don't want to see the images. I'm at my wit's end with this fucking bullshit. I don't want to fuck or kiss men. I'm going to sound like I'm trying too hard when I say this but before this, all I could think about was having sex with women. Now, I can't even fantasize without me destroying my arousal by trying to see if I can get the same reaction with men. Someone suggested that I do this. Will nofap even help me out with this? I'm desperate at this point. I know myself and I know what I want. I just want to have a clear head again.
What do you mean by "long answer"? It just seems so hard not to do it but I'm willing to try anything to stop this. I got better for a while and then something spiked it and I don't remember what it was. I did ERP for the OCD and it worked wonders. Clearly, this wasn't enough for me.
I think it will help tremendously. Sounds a lot like me at 23 in which I envisioned my life as a blink-182 song or some of the Hollywood movies: Getting drunk, making out and having sex with women, living a normal life. Porn threw that into a loop and I got the sex and drunk part alright but just with myself. I would say the times in which I didn't fap was probably better than the times I did. Imagine this the days in which you look forward and long to play even the bliss you get when you come down from it, that I would say is what it was like a few days after moving away from porn and seeing the outside world. Mingling with friends, coworkers, etc. Granted I'm sure women hit on you and you are just as oblivious as I was, hell I had a woman rub her hand across my back in college and I just thought nothing of it although I'm sure I went and played when I got home that night. I will say porn of all facets will cause an arousal could just be something new something you haven't experienced. I also looked at gay porn tried to imagine myself in the various scenarios, for me it was just another way to get off since I had grown so accustomed to the other ways. So don't think it is an attraction it's just your mind trying to get you to that high point and the other ways had become so played out. Resetting yourself ( like weening yourself off of something for a while will bring it's effects back to normal if you were to retake it. Returning to your question after that jumbled mess I tried to construct: "Will NoFap help me?" In short yes, but the big part that I've found before I joined was at least finding different things out in the world. Hiking, Martial arts, maybe even wine tasting starting off slow seems to be the best effect rather than diving headlong in ( at least it is for me ).
The gay stuff doesn't get me off though. That's the thing. So why am I compulsively checking? It's such a useless thing. There have been one or two times where I did climax to the gay stuff but that has been after I put 100x more effort and 10x the time than I do with the lesbian and straight stuff. Imaging myself in either part of anal literally sends a feeling of shock and physical revulsion. I either shake in disgust or I just put my hand in my face like Michael Corleone in Godfather 2 when he finds out his Freeo tried to kill him. I don't even try to imagine myself doing oral. The kissing though. Sometimes, I don't get a bad reaction but I don't get aroused either. It's just "meh" and other times is a similar reaction to the physical revulsion that I described before. If I am aroused from before, I WILL lose my arousal. Every evening, I have a moment of clarity where I stop being anxious and think about kissing women and having sex with women. Hell, even writing that excited me. I regularly have dreams where I'm either having sex or in a relationship with a woman. I went on a date with a woman, and when I put my arm around her and she put her hand on mine, I got really aroused. Like I said, I get fearful of looking stupid or weird and didn't capitalize on my chance to actually kiss her and she showed disappointment afterwards. Hell, I got aroused over her innuendos.
Perhaps you are looking for something new something that will get you off in that category. When you put in all the effort for the other stuff was this a day where you went heavy? I'm wondering if what I said rings true of just another way to get a fix. Sometimes it's hard picking up the clues hell I've been with my girl for about 6 years? First year married and I still miss her clues. Sometimes they are just hard to spot and other times we as men can be so in our minds that we miss them, Perhaps thinking visual cues should be like they are in porn. I would say looking stupid at times is what will get women to laugh and find you more attractive it is the flaws that show you are human and even if you can laugh them off it shows you have a comedic side. Never worry too much about looking stupid or weird it's how you show yourself.
I'm not looking for something new. I have OCD and it's taken a sexuality theme. It's rooted in the fact that I tried to experiment with what arouses me at one point just to see. I felt very confident in my sexuality afterwards, then my OCD preyed on that and it constantly makes me feel the need to prove that I am. It's because the images are stuck in my head. They're fucking disgusting and haunting. When I see something that disturbs me, it stays in my head for weeks afterwards. I know that I'm straight. I literally just daydreamed about a woman right now and loved it. There's women all around me right now and there's a ton that I like. There isn't anything I desire more than making a woman happy and loving her. I go soft and stay unaroused every time. I had to try as hard as I possibly could to get off that time and I didn't even feel good. There was close to no feeling. The images are at a low point right now and they basically aren't there. I'm starting NoFap tomorrow as I already blew it in the morning.
Ah okay I think I understand it a bit more now and can see why the NoFap was started I could definitely see this helping and I wonder have you found anything else that gets your OCD going like for instance doing something like puzzles and making sure things line up right. Not to make light of the plight but could certainly use it to your advantage especially in regards to this. Hey no worries on the lapse it happens to all of us tomorrow is a brighter day.
My OCD is more based on obsessing over certain things for irrational reasons. Examples: -Trying to experiment with porn made me scared that bi or something and that I'll fall in love with a man and miss out on girls despite a reaction that clearly tells me that I'm straight. -Fear that I will fail from college in spite of studying a lot. This led me to obsessively study an average of TEN hours daily. My father went from telling me "why aren't you studying?" to "holy shit. Stop studying for one second. You can venture away from your desk for one second." -Fear that I would get kicked out of college because I thought someone hidden was filming me taking Fireball shots with a couple of girls on campus (which was a dry campus) -Obsessively fearing that I'd contract HIV if I used public bathrooms. -Obsessively fearing that I'd go blind if I touched a battery because it was leaking. Here's where it gets childish: -I'm a metalhead that specifically loves death metal. For years, I only listened to bands that used deep vocals because I felt that listening to bands that didn't made me inferior. -When I play Halo, I can't use an assault rifle because it's a "skill-less weapon". -I constantly fear that people think I look stupid or that people hate me. Music is usually distracts me or if I'm playing a game that has an attractive female protagonist (or a custom character), I'll stop thinking about it because there's something that'll distract me. I just started my career and If my is mind is focused on that, then I won't think about it. When my anxiety is at a low point, J can see clearly and if animage comes up, my reaction will just be an "ew. No." If my anxiety is at a high, my reaction will be "FUCK NO. FUCK THAT SHIT." I'm just not as secure as I need to be. Someone who likes girls, doesn't like guys, finds the idea of kissing girls and having sex with girls to be awesome and doesn't share the same sentiment with guys is obviously straight. The idea that I tried to get off to gay stuff won't leave my head. The fact that I could never get aroused or I would lose my arousal from thinking or looking at women. My reaction more or less ensures that I'm straight and yet, I can't see that.
Thank you for sharing with each post it becomes a bit clearer as to what you are going through. So in the mind it sounds like a lot of what-ifs that keep you from making a leap sometime or branching out in some ways. Fear of failing college leading you to study which leads you to not want to go out as much. The fear of HIV while grounded can also make you a bit weary of sleeping with someone else which depending on ones take can be good or bad. Not knocking any of those as they are all perfectly normal and acceptable; but it seems like porn got the experimentation rather than life. Porn was safe it was a way to find and do something fantasize and then go back to being what was deemed normal. I say this only because it sounds like what I went through. I actually contracted something from a public toilet in college and a doctor took care of it for me, looking back on it I was scared shitless, but now it's just thinking "Well it was what it was." So many fears kept me from branching out and doing things not only in terms of what my parents thought; but also what would happen. As I get older I wouldn't want to not look back and say fear held me from doing this and that. I think at 23 porn helps play a very heavy role in anxiety as various things kind of sound like me in some way when I was that age. Currently at 28 soon to be 29 so not that far; but also been there. Music and distraction is good for me it was documentaries and learning something; but after a while it was just me not controlling the issue not only that but you aren't being fully invested in the game at times to. For example I wouldn't dream of doing anything else while Playing Hellblade Senua's sacrifice as everything plays on your perceptions. Hearing, vision everything I wanted to take it all in and that has a female protaganist. It took me a while to get used to playing it but just immersing myself into the game helped tremendously. Now something like let's say GTA and I had a custom character when I was younger I would be doing the same but now it's just I don't know how to put it but just an image? With OCD it's hard to really state what an help and what can hinder this for you. This will ultimately fall upon what you find enjoyable and what can keep your mind at ease even with a female. I'm sorry I can't fully help with that but perhaps giving some ideas on what to do might help a tad.
My mind is at ease and there isn't any anxiety over what isn't there right now. Considering that I literally cringe when I think about kissing another man, having sex with another man, or even just touching one in a sexual or romantic manner, I know that I would never do anything like that. That shit is disgusting. It's not so much what my parents think but more so, what I want and I just don't want men. Lol. My parents are from India. They're not used to the idea of interracial couples so when my sister got serious with a white guy, she was insanely nervous (They love him though). That same sister told me she was heteroflexible a few years ago and I got scared that she'd end up with a girl and get disowned. She didn't care though. My siblings and I really care. I fell HARD for a white girl. I'm not going to try anything with anyone that doesn't have a vagina because I would probably want to die afterwards. The porn experiment was more because I was bored and just wanted to see. I know it can sound ridiculous that I use virtual females as a distraction but that's just what I can use ATM. My career is a high paying one but also one that requires me to work long hours and I can't really meet women until I pay off my student loans. I'm going to do NoFap starting today but I need to accept that I tried to see if I was into something that is very gay and that I am in fact, not into anything gay. I don't need to worry about anything stupid like this. I tested myself. If anything, this should show that I'm straighter than I thought because I can't even get aroused while watching it. I think NoFap will help me reset myself to my pre compulsion days and I think that by the end, I'll be even more confident in my straightness primarily because I know that I'm really into women and not into men. I think with my OCD, the best course to take is just to let the images sit there and not give them validity. After all, those gay images don't have me taking part in them. My sexual and romantic fantasies have me at the forefront with a woman. I've got off for the weekend, so I'm just going to spend some time working out, listen to some metal, eat healthy, and play some video games. All of the dating apps that I was on crushed my confidence more and more so I paused my accounts and deleted ALL of them. I'll reinstall them when my confidence level is higher. After all, before I fall in love with a woman, I need to love myself more. Before this OCD theme hit me, I was at an all-time high. I was working out, I didn't fear women, I just passed my boards and finished college despite an up-hill battle with faculty: I even felt like my back was strong enough to sustain playing basketball again after herniating a disk five years prior. The a close friend (the white girl) of mine that I had fallen hard for, fell in love with someone else and losing the chance to start something more with her hurt me badly for a while.
I can understand the parental thing lol mine were the same way before I got into High school and I just dated pretty much any and everyone that would at least talk to me. I think ultimately I wouldn't see this as just a way to show how straight you are or how masculine you are; but a way to get back in touch with not only yourself but the world as well. While yes you want to make sure you are in tune with yourself before you get married you also shouldn't put majority of the eggs in the basket or at least saying look how straight I am. I would advise taking it slow one thing at a time first committing to NoFap. Then slowly adding on layers so as not to bog yourself down.
Well, I'm not really trying to do this to show how straight or masculine I am. I'm exclusively heteroromantic and that's something that I've been certain about throughout the whole OCD obsession. It's the sexual part of it that's being fucked with through OCD. If by some way I am bisexual, I would still be heteroromantic. With that said, I don't really have any attraction to men sexually at all and so, I can't even say that I'm bi either. Honestly, I'm not the type of person to hide who I am regardless of If I was gay, bisexual, or straight. The truth is that I like women exclusively. Men don't make me excited the same way women get me excited. At my core, who I am is a straight man who is confident in his sexuality. im trying to regain my confidence. I was able to make explicitly gay jokes at my own expense, if I by some chance I saw gay porn while searching for it, I would start laughing to the point of wheezing, and I was getting more and more confident talking to attractive girls. NoFap will certainly help me get back to who I am supposed to be. By the end of my reboot, instead of relying on looking at porn and thinking of women, I'll actually go out and talk to women instead of cowering in fear every time a girl shows interest in me. It's a stupid fear because when I get scared, I make her un-interested. The fear is this bad: I went to my cousin's wedding and there were two British sisters there that couldn't have made it clearer. I struggled to say anything, got wasted the second the night (Indian weddings are multiple days long), and continued to struggle to say anything that wasn't a few words long.
Hey @NFNew , I'm just a normal ordinary member. No moderator super powers and no special insite. I share my ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope) of what works for me. Just another warm welcome and a heart felt hello. This community has helped me so much. What worked for me was "working" it. It took hard work for me to complete a hard reboot (No pmo) for 120 days, then move into a Sex Positive mode. First, reading the literature published by NoFap itself along with reading journals. Then, doing the work. Writing in my journal and replying to introductions and other's journals. Finally, but not least, getting involved with the fellowship. I found it on the forums, but also in people's profiles. The forums tend to be longer posts, where the profiles tend to be more "conversational". That is what has worked for me. I like to remind myself that this community was here waiting for me with the lights on when I arrived. Now, I have to do my best to be there when someone comes to the community. * L
I really need to hard reset and so far, the posts have been a major help for me and they've helped me express myself in a way that I've struggled to do for a while. The journal sounds like a nice idea but I'm not sure what to do. I was planning on focusing more energy in building up my physical self. I always stop lifting weights after a few days and now I'm pretty weak. I've also put on a few pounds in the last few weeks. I've stopped taking care of myself in a really bad way. I'm using a few motivators for myself. NoFap is going to be a tool I use to regain whatever confidence that I had before this began and bring it to new levels so I actually feel comfortable in my own skin.
Well here here 'mate NoFap will certainly help in a lot of ways and you will also get so much time back ( not sure if you are one to search for the right video ); but I certainly do hope the reboot will help you out and even if you slip one day no worries it will just drive you even harder to want to reboot. Best wishes!
I'm starting today. I'm giving it up for a while. I've heard 90 days and 120 days. What would you suggest? It's become an issue to the point of affecting my physical being. I feel tired, weaker, and have more aches lately.
Small increments. You can't run a mile if you haven't trained yourself so basically start slow and start with perhaps a week and then see if you can push further. Compared to some others it may not seem a lot and you can probably do more if so I'd would do that; but basically you just want to train your mind to let go off it. Just remember stumbling is all part of the learning process. PS that tired and weak feeling is perfectly normal body just adjusting back within' a few days you should be getting better. Since masturbation releases endorphins that help with stress and tension ( mainly on sexual but I'm sure it helps with others ). So you're body is just getting used to not having it. You'll probably get grumpy and cranky later on as well.
