My significant other needs an accountability partner - And it's not me

It seems to me that if you marry an addict of any kind then you should be prepared for relapses after marriage. I get the impression that you might expect your boyfriend to be cured and then you will get married and live happily ever after with no more pornography problem.

 

I wonder whether he is really on board with this. I would hope that he truly wants to quit PMO, but based on your post, it seems as though you want him to change more than he wants to change. Had he asked you to post here on his behalf? Is he not posting himself because of what has happened in the past?

I would be interested to talk to him and find out where his heart and mind are at. I am truly sorry you’re going through this, and especially if you love him so much, I hope that you can get through this as a couple.

I think that NoFap can be a wonderful place for people like us to start addressing our addiction. But we have to be committed to changing wholeheartedly, otherwise it will never work.

EDIT - If he is really serious about changing, I am a married, 28-year-old Christian man with a wife and son. I would be happy to talk to him. Accountability partners can be a great help, and I am always happy to help others with this problem as much as I can.

 

I agree that it sounds like he doesn't want to change as much as she wants him to.

I think you should first look at his behavior that you mentioned. He can only overcome this addiction if he really wants to. This will require 100% honesty. Do you think going forward that he can be completely honest? From what you've said it sounds like he still wants to sext with other women on the internet if he's going on Tumblr talking to a specific user. Ask yourself these questions "does he want to change as much as I want him to? "do I think he can be honest with me?" "Will he stop sexting other girls? "Does he care that his actions are hurting me?" Ask yourself these questions to yourself and answer them as honestly as you can. If you can honestly answer all these questions with yes then I suggest having a conversation with him about this. If you can't then there's not much you can do.

 

I know this is hard for you to understand but not having sex with your GF is extremely frustrating. Younger men have incredibly high sex drives(mine is still extremely high and i'm 25). If my GF wasn't going to have sex with me until we were married I'd probably be more inclined to view porn and masturbate and or seek other women(just being honest). This is why I personally do not believe in waiting until marriage for sex... Men have desires and if he's not getting it at home he'll get it elsewhere. If you love each other and you plan on being together, what's the big deal? He would probably rather have real sex w/ you than watch porn or sext strangers anyway(I would) and you would be happier because his attention would be on you not on porn and other women. Call it bad advice, but this is just from a man's perspective. Degenerate porn and being unfaithful or loving sex? Loving sex is better and more wholesome imo. Nothing wrong with two loving adults having sex, better than letting his urges get so bad that he starts watching porn and seeking other women online while destroying the trust in the relationship(MUCH WORSE).

 

Here are some random thoughts/questions:
(1) Is this addiction blocking you from getting married?
(2) This isn't a one-time endeavor and a permanent cure.
(3) You need for him to feel o.k. about admitting a relapse to you, because it is likely to happen after you get married (probably many times).
(4) Is it possible that your distaste for porn makes him reluctant to confide in you? If so, then you need to overcome your distaste somehow, so he can be open when he relapses after marriage. Open communication is probably very important in a marriage. I'm not suggesting that you view porn yourself until you are also addicted, but maybe if you browse this website it might help? This problem is so common that women probably shouldn't take it personally. It's just the world we live in now.
(5) If you don't want to be married to somebody who is actively viewing porn then you probably shouldn't marry this person.
(6) If you can accept the inevitable porn viewing then what's blocking you from getting married? How long do you expect him to abstain before marriage? He's probably going to relapse many times, so what are you accomplishing by making abstinence a requirement? It's going to be a struggle throughout your marriage regardless.

Those are only random thoughts. I've never been in a relationship myself, so take them with a grain of salt. LOL