Fears

Fears can be forgiven at any age ;-)

Actually, possibly you are fearing that your fears may not be forgiven ?? ;-))

I'm 42. I had a lot fears, many I could significantly improve, some are still there.

Fears I still have at a certain amount:

- Fear of pursuing exactly the thing I really want. Fear of being "selfish"
- Fear of making clear decisions in this direction which might hurt others (I'm feeling like a hostage of their emotions)
- Fear of going my own life, fear I could fail.


Fears I have overcome:

- Fear of being rejected by a woman. This has even turned into the total other direction, because in 20 years, I got my fair share of "cuddling" and warmth and sex. I had great sexual encounters, and I think that I truly understand women, I don't "chase" them anymore, and I find greatest pleasure in flirting with them ;-) Women like this a lot, too ;-) They like to have a good time with a a man, and they like to know that they are safem the oither one doesn't "hunt" them.

- Fear of being critized - combined with the fear or not being perfect and fear of singing or playing piano in public (Cause: I was critized heavily and permanently by my parents). Solution: I cured myself by often speaking in public; by speaking openly to oithers when I had made failures; by studying music; by playing in public. --> Eventually I learned that you need not to be perfect, and I learned to forgive myself for errors.
Errors are normal and human. Even more, you NEED to make errors, because it is the only eay to learn! So embrace making errors!

- Fear of heights! Around age 30, this was extreme! I was not able to go up a simple ladder! I cured myself by walking up the eiffel tower in paris.


Possibly more to come ....

 

Yes indeed, the really important message is that you actually NEED to make errors in order to learn!

Any GOOD teacher, parent or manager knows this. They know that people need to make "errors" in order to learn and to improve. Actually, they don't even talk of "errors", they talk of "exploring".

BTW, in jazz music, so-called "errors" are even a part of the style. They use the terms of "inside" and "outside": "inside" is when you are doing anything which you have trained, and which is in some way under your control. "outside" is anything else which "happens", where you let lose, where you explore, where you let anything happen.

The problem is very much about BAD teachers, parents, managers: They are "punishing" for making errors, and then, a whole cycle of fear is starting, which is blocking any progress and creativity. That's a big general problem in society. The reason for so many addictions and crimes; and when the "punishing" system goes up into the policits of a country, then WARS are starting.

 

that is so damn true!

 

I have two fears. Both about relationships, with one having a large NoFap aspect.

Ever since I became "facebook official" with my first (and current) girlfriend since quitting porn, I've been afraid of falling into relapse when the relationship ends. We first had sex on Day 115 (April 2013) of my current streak, and are still together and its wonderful. But I do not plan on comitting for life anytime soon, and want to experience other women before I do. So, I imagine this relationship will end sometime, and when it does, I will have no (immediate) way of releasing sexual energy while on NoFap. I fear I will have a mindset like "I don't have a girlfriend now, so I might as well go back to using porn." I have no idea how powerful this rationalization will actually be, but I also know I've done 115 days of hard mode before so I should definitely be able to do it again.


The second is also about my girlfriend. I'm afraid of hurting her when this relationship ends. As far I can tell, she has absolutely no intention of ending this. I've told her that I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, which she's cool with, but I also haven't told her that I want to be with other women before that ever happens. Now that I've been on NoFap for so long, I sincerely think I could easily get women. In fact, I have two female friends who each may be moving to my city when they graduate college in May, and I know that both of these women are interested in me as a romantic partner. If either of them lived here now, I may have left my current gf for them awhile ago. Does that make me a bad person? Am I just prolonging the pain she'll feel? But then again, there's no guarantee that either of these women will move here. Its a possibility for both of them, and an extreme possibility for one of them.

 

For a majority of schools, I think, the answer is unfortunately YES ...

Except for a minority of teachers who are really good.
And except for a minority of alternative school systems like Montessori.

But to my own astonishment, I see that children are taught today pretty much the same way I was taught in school 25 years ago. So unfortunately, I have the feeling that schools have not changed very much in 25 years.

 

I know it sounds odd, but i dont have any fears, that's just the thing, I can only think of positive things.
The thought of not being hooked on P fills my body with joy, makes me feel lighter, makes me think of all the other things i used to find pleasurable that i could do again. what the hell is wrong with me, i can see the good side but i feels like its just out of reach.

 

My fears in regards to this whole experience (directly and indirectly related).

Coming back to where I started with this no PMO journey. I know that I have to pick myself up again when I fall. That's part of life. However, the thing that hounds me is that the situation I'm in, put me in the position for a greater chance of relapsing. I'm hoping that when the urges are at a certain level, I can put more energy in creating a clearer path for myself.

The following sound ridiculous, but the thought has cross my mind constantly.

I become so desperate for connection with someone, that I end up being a regrettable relationship. I'm in my mid 30s and I have yet to have any intimate relationships. The last few false starts really etched a deep sense of failure and emotional turmoil. I sometimes think if I'm less sensitive, things might work out, but another part of me believes that the sensitivity is what makes me the person that I am (both flaws and good).

Another fear is that I might become bored with my partner (if I happen to find someone). This part is going to take a bit of explaining.

My life has been about putting my full energy into finishing up my schools and getting a stable job (I'm definitely not the brightest bulb). Most people put in a certain amount of time to achieve an output, I have to double the time or more to get a certain understanding.

Part of the result from such pursuit led me to very little time spent on learning actual socialisation skills. Sure, I know how to pretend well enough for the casual chit chats and keeping up with certain appearance, but they weren't entirely genuine (or so I believe).

Over time, I have developed certain skills to keep myself entertained. As a child I had really vivid imagination, which is why I'm trying to write. This skill grew as I became older and lonelier. One example was when I worked late by myself at the office, I had a take out for dinner, I'd imagined I was eating my food with woman that enjoyed my company (I know it sounds creepy for some). This was a coping mechanism for me.

Unfortunately, this imagination merged with my increasing obsession for PMO. With mounting stress and failures, I wanted to escape, like a drug addict continuously chasing the impossible high - I'm sure you can imagine what emerged from this - the impossible women (as horrible as that sounds). No actual human can be compared to that and I wouldn't want to.

This is why I need to release the hold from my addiction, otherwise I fear I cannot be in a real relationship.

I'm sure there is more to say, but for now I need to rest up and recover from this cold.

Thank you Steel Fury for starting this tread.

All the best everyone.

 

I want to add one:

FEAR OF SUCCESS

I read this in a book of a psychologist.
It sounded like a contradiction in the first moment, but it is very true.

Because:

Success means change.
Success means to take risks and perhaps to fail.
Success means exposing ourselves and to be potentially vulnerable.
Success means to take action.
Success means to decide.
Success means to stand up and to have an opinion.

Success means to be a true personality.

And because of all that, many people decide to stick with the "comfortable" life style they know and to keep on with DREAMING of success, instead of LIVING it.

 

I commute to work on bicycle, 20 miles one way. Couple years ago I got hit by car running red light, I got to see what my own bones look like sticking out of my body. It took me some time to get back together, and I am back on my bike, plus some sturdy titanium rods inside me, wolverine style, to keep me from falling apart. My fear? I am afraid of bad drivers.

P.S. I just realized how perfect it was to quit porn back then. I could not masturbate for the life of me for good couple of months. Oh well, better late than never.