Question - When/If to Disclose in a Potential Relationship?

For me, I would want to know before I had invested emotionally or physically into the relationship. I don't need to know on the first or even second date, but I want to know before I'm too far in. If you wait until I fall in love to tell me, that isn't cool. If you wait until we've had sex, that isn't cool either. That's for me though. I'm sure, like you said, it differs from woman to woman. There is a big thread on this also that is related that you may want to read. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...ict-disclose-his-addiction-or-hide-it.161409/

 

Second what @TryingToHeal said. I personally would want to know before I had sex with the guy. For me, if I am going to have sex, then emotions are already there and I am starting to want a relationship. I would want to know before the guy asked me to be his girlfriend. I need to know this informaiton before I choose to be in a relationship, before I fall in love, before I get attached.

 

I second the above. Before you have sex. Especially if you want a faithful (not open) relationship.
It doesn't have to be a full on confession and it also depends on sobriety time. Something along the lines of, "I really care about you and would like to be with you in an exclusive/monogamous relationship. However, you should know that I've had a problem with porn in the past and have to make a conscious decision everyday to abstain and have X months/years. I wanted to tell you before we got close just so you are fully aware of what you're getting into."
Funnily enough, I think I'd have been alright with that. For me, it's the lying that kills the relationship because it's the lying that kills the trust.
Good luck X

 

Be honest.PLEASE.just be honest.Believe me, if you will date her and she |both falling in love..and then you will say this..its will be broken all her "image about you" and her ability to trust will be really destroyed. I m one of this woman and I m going through the hell.I t was ruined all our relationship. Was also once speak with one man and he told I will never tell her it coz I wants he will see me like a man", believe me she will when you ll say truth. With love, respect and emphathy.Sure, she can reject you, she can be angry, crying, whatever, but if she likes (love you, she ll stay.With the feeling that you are not liar.
He told me one, truth will hurt you , my answer is, that truth never, just all the lies behind...

 

I agree with everyone here, not much more needs to be said really.

 

You are right that you shouldn’t go into much detail. Just let your future lover know that you had to battle a porn addiction that you ultimately overcame before you guys were even together. This should come after some trust and stability has been established in the relationship but before things get too intimate (and sexual). You dont have to (and shouldn’t) bare your entire soul to a woman before you start dating her, because dating isn’t a permanent commitment. Dating is try-outs, so to speak, to see if you and her like this level of commitment and want to take it to the next level, or not.

I would encourage you to share this information with her BEFORE becoming engaged to be married and/or sexually intimate. A healthy relationship is an escalating level of commitment and vulnerability. So if she still embraces and loves you, despite your past won battles, then you know she is worthy of the next level of commitment. The same goes the other way. As she becomes more vulnerable with you, and you continue to embrace her, you become more worthy of her increased commitment. Take it slow. Don’t stress about this too much.

Speaking in the future tense, a past porn addiction that you overcame is not going to be even remotely close to the most important part of your relationship. It will be a shadow of your past that built character, taught you mental toughness, and she will be made aware of in due time. Breathe!

 

I started the thread referred to by @TryingToHeal and I do think it will help answer your question and see how SOs who would be your potential partners would feel about this. But yes personally I would want to know about any addiction whether it was 20 years ago or five weeks ago. When? Early, but certainly before you have sex or get serious and if you wait too long you may be perceived as lying or hiding things. So just be honest upfront and let her make the decision to be with you or not. Sure some people are going to reject you but there are plenty more than will accept you and it’s better for all to know early on where each person stands.

 

My SO is a SA/PA and we are going through a separation.
Because he failed to disclose after two years of lying and the original Dday.

He also just asked if he could take me on a date.
I mildly considered this....
ONLY
Because when I asked several angry follow up questions, he gave me a 'history' - the original I Asked for on our third date,(years ago) plus all the things he had hidden from me.... (calling me Wife#2 in 3rd person to my face)
So I thought about it.
He was being honest.
The honest I've always wanted.
Including the escorts and the affair and kids and everything.
So I considered it.
What can a person do with honesty?
But see you?
It shows how you got to where you are.
Even if you made a bad decision.
(or several)

Even if she decides against it... She will respect your telling her and not regret you for leading her on (which is worse because then she will also hate herself) if, say, you tell her after you are intimate.
Good luck

 

You have to reveal both and the extent of each. You will find a girlfriend there is someone out there that will love you despite your downfalls or past we all have them. But until you get comfortable with yourself and your past my advice is don’t date. You are not ready yet. The right girl will never be the one that you fail to disclose to. She may seem like it for awhile but it’s a false sense of security.

As for when to disclose in a non sexual relationship I would recommend when feelings start to develop, you agree to be exclusive or when things are getting serious or 90 days in whichever is sooner.

 

100% agree. My husband is in SA for porn addiction. He knows someone there with much more severe addictions. When this person first started dating his (now) wife, he told her everything - every single thing he had ever done, which included illegal activity. He also told her how long he had been sober and how important his recovery is. He told her that he will attend his meetings and whatever else he needs to do to stay sober and wanted her to know up front. She was grateful for the full disclosure up front and they have been happily married for 6 years with her in full support of his sobriety efforts.

I do not know how many, if any, women turned him away when he disclosed, but regardless, he found the one that didn't. There are no secrets between them, there is no "what if she finds out?" There is no one feeling tricked or betrayed. It's all out there and she knew exactly what she was walking into and willing to be a part of it.

That is how it should be. That is how we wish it could have been for all of us.

 

Your #2 makes the mistaken assumption most addicts make in that if she gets to know you better and you say spend a year of good behavior and then you finally reveal the whole story she will be perfectly okay with the disclosure then. But that is almost never the case. Instead she feels duped and betrayed. Just lay all your cards on the table. Your relationship will never be in a stable place if it’s based on hidden things. A solid foundation for a relationship consists of honesty and open communication.

 

Has your therapist ever been in a situation where this exact thing has happened to he or she? If not I submit to you that those that have actually been through this can offer you better advice on the matter. I can’t imagine your SO finding out she’s been lied to or hidden from the truth for a year and your response being “but my therapist said it was okay.” Yes that’s going to smooth things over! Therapists make assumptions too. But if you choose to take the advice of a therapist that supports what you want to do, and is an individual there solely to think about you over countless SOs who have been in this exact situation that’s your choice . The first therapist my ex and I went to recommended that in order to cure his PIED we watch porn during sex. The second one told him he was not a porn addict unless he watched it 8 hours a day, the third said we should try new positions. Therapists are not always right.

 

Hey Dwalk. The second point I can't comment on. It's up to you and your future partner when you have sex, although I quite like the idea of being close friends first.
Your first point about full disclosure, I can offer SO experience on. Our DDay was mid-January (10 weeks). It was just porn then and that hurt like hell. Since DDay there have been 7 more confessions that "weren't relevant" and "forgot about that one" including little things like using prostitutes, wanking in the bathroom while my daughter & I were in the house ("But I locked the door") and minimising it all the way. Anyway, my point is it's the half-arsed disclosure is why I'm leaving. Not that he'd sex starved me for 3 yrs, watch me hate my own body and carried on regardless. It was the half-truths, the lying or worst still, lying by omission - that takes a special sort of deviance. So, it's up to you what you tell your partner about your condition and the lengths it had gone to. While your on here recovering, you're further away from your DDay and it gets easier, as with any addiction. But if she's anything like me, it'll be the lying that will threaten the relationship not the acts. If you was calmly upfront, really genuine and had some sobriety to prove it, she may be cool with it.

 

I would loose my mind if I had to wait a year for full disclosure, that is something I would strongly disagree with from especially a therapist. My imagination is off the hook, it would be a living nightmare for me. A couple of weeks maybe a month or two but a year, I would never agree to it.

 

I think maybe you and I are reading different threads, or I am misunderstanding you? I was speaking about full disclosure early on prior to any marriage. And you respond (I think with sarcasm) that you can give me many divorced couples that could say how well full disclosure worked out in the middle of a crisis. You are speaking of revealing things during a martial crisis, I am speaking of revealing it before you ever enter into marriage, so you never end up in the marital crisis in the first place? You are correct that people are going to do what they are going to do, and unfortunately most of the time for addicts that means putting their own needs and wants above the wants or needs of their partner, or making the decision for her what she wants or does not want to know without ever asking her. I thought the idea of getting past addiction was to put others before you, but I guess for many it is still a me first mentality, and yet they cannot figure out why their partners are hurting or leave them, hmmmm.....

 

Exactly.

 

I agree with you here. I do think that there are some instances that people just don’t remember and are not purposely withholding, and those instances cannot be discounted. I think in those cases though the person needs to come to the SO and say I am sorry hey I forgot to tell you this, I left it out, I did not mean to. However in most cases that’s not what happens. The SO finds out on her own, he gets caught. More often than not though it is purposeful hiding or failing to reveal.