(I just posted this in my journal but I thought it would be interesting to see what other people's thoughts or experiences with the matter are. This is just my experience) One of the things I was just thinking about on my walk a few minutes ago was checking out women. Maybe this is already obvious to other people but it's an important notion for me to have identified: When I start to see a little bit of porn, a sexual advertisement on the internet, or something of the like, I have a choice - I can continue to look which usually leads to a continued escalation until I reset, or I can choose to leave the site or avoid the content some other way which is the path of resisting the urge and not letting the urges kidnap me. Seeing sexy women in my day to day life is one of the biggest triggers for me and I realized even though the women themselves are not porn, when I see them I am faced with the same decision to indulge in checking them out or fight my urge to look at them and look away. I notice that the hornier I am, the more women turn me on. Additionally, the more women I check out, the hornier I get. They turn me on and I start fantasizing and it induces a serious craving for PMO. This is hard because I looove checking out women (but then again I love PMO too). My ex used to be pretty comfortable with me checking out women as long as satisfied her in bed and made her feel like my one and only. She checked guys out too but we were very much for a monogamous lifestyle. Anyway it feels like a "natural" thing to do. However, given the way my mind is currently wired, it definitely feels like the healthiest thing for me right now would be to control my urges to check women out. I think it's tied to, or the same as, regaining control over PMO. And now that I'm single and I can't express my pent up frustrations with a girlfriend, my only option is PMO/MO so it's best to avoid building up the frustration if I can just avoid it in the first place. (What are your thoughts? Have you felt similarly about checking out women (or the sex you're attracted to)?)
Yes, i have that too. And what bugs me the most is wondering if that's a real issue or just, u know, men being men. I mean, you're gotta be gay if you are not turned on by a nice cleavage or a sexy curve. But it stops at that. Don't let it lead you to porn.
A former sponsor of mine in a 12 step program told me about the "3 second rule". He said if you are looking at a woman for longer than 3 seconds, you are fantasizing about her and therefore projecting your OWN image on her of what you want to see. So, the rule of thumb I've tried to practice with this is - you notice, you count to 3, then you look away. So, yes it's been a trigger for me, for him, and for many others I imagine. Good luck!
The problem I face is this - checking out a woman because you are turned on seems wrong, she is a real person with her own life and thoughts. But then, ignoring her because I don't want to just check her out seems wrong too, it seems like I am still treating her like an object because she is attractive and I don't want to just "stare" in a creepy way. Why can't I just treat her like a real person? I wish I knew the answer to that.
I'm working on trying to start using the three second rule. I think appreciating the beauty of a woman is fine but it's best not to indulge in fantasizing about her to much, ESPECIALLY if you're trying to do nofap. Falk I don't think checking out a woman is inherently disrespectful. Women check guys out all the time. It's just human nature to be attracted to certain things. By controlling how much you indulge in your thoughts about them beyond acknowledging that they are attractive is a good way to be respectful.
Whenever I see a lady. I can't help but to judge how she looks. I start to fantasize about her. I think it's in our blood to seek out other woman and appreciate their beauty. But their is a line, and if we cross it then we just feed our urge to PMO. I'm brainwashed to fantasize about other woman. I need to rewire brain to know that they are a person. Not an object. I'll pray for your journey to freedom. Please pray for me.
Falk, You should stop being so feminist in my view - men objectify women, it's biology. Think about your own interests first.
What zenmaster said does have some validity to it. Men, throughout evolution, have always had the maternal instinct to inseminate and impregnate as many women as possible, to ensure the survival of their respective genes. Women on the other hand, sought out males who displayed strength, wealth and a sense of security. Women and men are very distinct creatures, and the reason for many of our actions lies in our genes, passed on from our ancestors.
Women are beautiful creatures. But I think that you could somehow try to lead the thoughts somewhere more healthier, instead of instantly stopping them. Example: Think of her beauty as another human, in the way she does things, talks, smiles, you know, the things that make her a charming person, while the womanly mystique still remains. And this is coming from a heavily PMO addict-in-'therapy'. So heavily, I sometimes get sick of myself. But again, I get more sick over radical feminists that thinks we're all lunatics that should be erased.
OMG ME TOO. I feel like I'm cheating or something when I check them out! I have been successful so far not watching any porn and staying away from any overly sexual movies or tv shows. But seeing hot women in the streets is the one thing I can't control and I just find myself getting carried away thinking about them without even realizing this. So I can say you're definitely not alone. Nice to know you guys have this issue too. I really like the 3 second rule though I'm for sure gonna give that a go!
I've been doing the 3 second rule for awhile now and find it does help to steer your attention back to reality or else I'm just drifting off in fantasy. I find when I'm driving that's when it happens as there are a lot of women walking around on the street.
Good point. It is slso biology to do what your reward center wants..... which is lots and lots of domamine, and we know where that leads. you'll never stop the first impulse to look. The problem for people like us is likely when you picture having sex with her to the point that you are getting aroused. Because that is essentiallly mental porn.... you are giving yourself a dopamine hit.
I feel you, guys. I'm somewhere around day 65 and have been feeling like a dog during a mating season recently. I have been going to a pool 3 times a week lately (as part of the same self-development scheme that NoFap is to me) and I just can't help analyzing female bodies there. Last time I saw two really good looking chiquas that intrigued me (or rather - they intrigued my Napoleon) and, despite the fact that my pool time was running out, I almost jumped into their lane just to take a quick glimpse of her tits. I was feeling like a dangerous pervert at that point. Luckily I managed to resist the sick urge and just headed to the changing rooms with a severe sense of something dead wrong being with my mentality. In moments like these, I always try to imagine what my future perfect wife would think of such a behavior, but this often proves too abstract a reasoning to have an actual impact over my decision-making in the 'moments of struggle'. This then leaves me with an internal conflict. Either way, I am glad to be in a community of people who actually are ambitious enough to be willing to fight oversexualization. There are indeed other, more important factors in our lives than sex. While women are beautiful creatures, we, men, must develop and preserve in ourselves the common sense acting as a defensive mechanism preventing us from taking reckless decisions that we would regret afterwards - both due to spiritual and material reasons. I'll give the 3 seconds rule a go, by the way. I think it's a nice way of acknowledging the stimulus' presence but mindfully rejecting it.
Interesting views. Personally, I think it's about achieving a balance. You're always going to notice an attractive person - it's the way that we work. It's when the thoughts stretch beyond acknowledging that, and into more deep-seated thoughts, that it becomes a real problem. See the person - think that they are attractive - let the thought go. Don't give any further thoughts any credence.
If you're going to make a play, go for it. If not, take a look, dream on, but don't go home and twerk it. Be a man.
