How masturbation and porn probably ruined my relationship with my "One"

Hi everyone.

Yes, it finally happened. My girlfriend, a wonderful Texan girl from Austin, who I've been dating for 2 years and a half and that I consider my soulmate and someone I could see as "the one" caught me on a gay porn website while she was cooking a delicious dinner for the two of us.
We had had sex yesterday while we hadn't been having sex for a month, and I wanted to use some porn as a stimulus to help sex become as frequent as I was at the beginning of our relationship. If I will be able to save this relationship remains to be seen, but at the moment, and after some extended reading on the "Fight the new drug" website and stumbling upon an article about the NoFap website in the Esquire magazine, here is my decision to join this community to step up and fix myself for my relationship, and if not, at least to become a healthier and more moral human being.

 

The first question that arises is the following one. "Why would a straight guy use a gay porn website for a sexual stimulus ?" The answer is that my girlfriend has had strong and long-lasting body-image issues since her childhood, and she loathes porn from the bottom of her heart and can't stand it when I am confronted to female nudity in the media. Since I wanted to only consider her as the fruit of my love and the only female person and partner that matters to me, I didn't want to let myself be aroused by other female bodies and use gay porn as a sexual stimulus with the different "scenarios" and "sexual practices and positions" contained in the video. This might seems really weird to y'all, and I don't know if some of you have been in this situation, but I was really naive to think that using gay porn could bring any good to my relationship with my girlfriend.

 

To sum up the situation, which I find very hard to do due to the emotional turmoil I am dealing with right now, I have been using porn since my high school years and I didn't see anything wrong in this because at least I wasn't in a relationship and didn't want to be at that time because I thought that guys who wanted to lose their virginity as young as possible were appalling to me.
So I lost my virginity when I was 19 years old with my first partner and if everything started well, it quickly soured because after a few months after we lost our virginity, I realised that she "blocked" her orgasms systematically, and I continued to watch porn with her as a sexual stimulus, but she still would find it impossible to have orgasms with me.

 

With my second (and current girlfriend), sex was amazing when we started having sex. She would have multiple orgasms during a single intercourse, but the situation changed after I told her one day that I didn't find her the prettiest and most attractive woman in the world. What sounds like a real bitchy declaration from me was in fact an attempt at explaining a concept I had come up with to have what I thought was a rational view on life : that she and I are just two casual human beings, not the ugliest, not the prettiest, that we can be happy with a simple life and acknowledging that yes, some people are better, prettier, smarter, richer, ... but as long as we are happy with what we are and have, we will have a happy life. Well, it all led to a complete emotional collapse for her since she thought she was the most attractive woman for me, and distroyed the emotional balance she had managed to build with me, a rather cocky and confident guy but at the same time having the potential to be really egotistic, blunt and harmful. Since then, sex has been harder between us, and while we used to have sex every day, we now have sex almost once a month, if not once every two months, and I thought masturbation would make do for the lack of sex, waiting to find a solution to fix the problem.

 

I now feel morally flawed and bad and I see how masturbation and porn have really had a terrible influence on my personality and life.