Hi

bluebynick · May 24, 2018

Hi. Well. Here goes nothing I guess.

I'm bluebynick. I'm a 18 y/o male with I guess what you could call a porn addiction.

This is very hard for me to admit and I'm still coming to grips with this entire thing myself, so just bear with me as I get try this right.

Anyway, I'll start over more confidently this time.

I'm bluebynick. I'm an 18 y/o male with a porn addiction. I PMO probably once every 2 days and I have for the past 3 years. I find myself with urges to look at porn that has nothing to do with my libido levels but strictly to do with curiosity as to what's out there on the internet. I find that I keep denying the fact that I have a problem because I do not do it as much as typical addicts do, yet as of late I have very seriously noticed a problem.

I have a girlfriend. A girl that I love with all of my heart and want to spend my life with. For the first time in our relationship, yesterday I wasn't able to pleasure her in sex. I was soft. I couldn't do it. I was ashamed and disappointed and I still am. Not just in myself for not giving it to her, but for ignoring the fact that I had a problem for so long and not having a strong enough will to stop it before it got bad.

And now I feel as though it's bad.

I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing this for my pride. I'm doing this to prove something to myself. I'm also doing this for her. I'm very confused and very scared. I'm very worried and very anxious. I know myself and I know that I have relapsed when I tried to quit in the past.

I just hope that this time, i'm strong enough to finally fix my life in the way it needs to be fixed.

I've experienced desensitization, lack of attraction, low libido and most severely, depression. I was never depressed before... but now looking back at the time frames of when it all began, it seems to make sense that this is the cause. I dare to say I've done terrible things in the depression bouts, but I think I've finally identified the problem.

And it's my porn addiction.

So again, hi. I'm bluebynick. I'm 18 y/o and I have a porn addiction. I'm scared. I'm nervous and I don't know if i'm strong enough to do this but i'm trying because I want to fix my life. I really do. I hope this new program can help me because I need it. I really need it.

Thanks for reading, and i'm sorry for being annoying
~Bluebynick

P.s. I'm going to try doing the Standard mode for as long as I can go.

P.p.s. I'm love writing but I've never posted in a forum before so I'm very nervous about this. I'm sorry if I did something wrong.

P.p.p.s. I'm kind of confused by this whole site. Why is the "home" page a page when i'm not logged in? Are the only things to do on this:
a) forums
b) profile
c) streak tracker
or am I missing something big here?

94d33m · May 24, 2018

bluebynick said: ↑

Hi. Well. Here goes nothing I guess.

I'm bluebynick. I'm a 18 y/o male with I guess what you could call a porn addiction.

This is very hard for me to admit and I'm still coming to grips with this entire thing myself, so just bear with me as I get try this right....
Click to expand...

Bluebynick, you are definitely strong enough to fix your life. You do have a girlfriend so dont take her for granted, as many of us dont have and will not have any gf for our whole life. You dont have to be nervous about anything here, feel free to tell anything you like, we are all on the same boat. Hope you can battle your depression, and no you are not annoying, you are a golden little piece of human living out there arent ya ?

Deleted Account · May 24, 2018

bluebynick said: ↑

Hi. Well. Here goes nothing I guess.

I'm bluebynick. I'm a 18 y/o male with I guess what you could call a porn addiction.

This is very hard for me to admit and I'm still coming to grips with this entire thing myself, so just bear with me as I get try this right.

Anyway, I'll start over more confidently this time.

I'm bluebynick. I'm an 18 y/o male with a porn addiction. I PMO probably once every 2 days and I have for the past 3 years. I find myself with urges to look at porn that has nothing to do with my libido levels but strictly to do with curiosity as to what's out there on the internet. I find that I keep denying the fact that I have a problem because I do not do it as much as typical addicts do, yet as of late I have very seriously noticed a problem.

I have a girlfriend. A girl that I love with all of my heart and want to spend my life with. For the first time in our relationship, yesterday I wasn't able to pleasure her in sex. I was soft. I couldn't do it. I was ashamed and disappointed and I still am. Not just in myself for not giving it to her, but for ignoring the fact that I had a problem for so long and not having a strong enough will to stop it before it got bad.

And now I feel as though it's bad.

I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing this for my pride. I'm doing this to prove something to myself. I'm also doing this for her. I'm very confused and very scared. I'm very worried and very anxious. I know myself and I know that I have relapsed when I tried to quit in the past.

I just hope that this time, i'm strong enough to finally fix my life in the way it needs to be fixed.

I've experienced desensitization, lack of attraction, low libido and most severely, depression. I was never depressed before... but now looking back at the time frames of when it all began, it seems to make sense that this is the cause. I dare to say I've done terrible things in the depression bouts, but I think I've finally identified the problem.

And it's my porn addiction.

So again, hi. I'm bluebynick. I'm 18 y/o and I have a porn addiction. I'm scared. I'm nervous and I don't know if i'm strong enough to do this but i'm trying because I want to fix my life. I really do. I hope this new program can help me because I need it. I really need it.

Thanks for reading, and i'm sorry for being annoying
~Bluebynick

P.s. I'm going to try doing the Standard mode for as long as I can go.

P.p.s. I'm love writing but I've never posted in a forum before so I'm very nervous about this. I'm sorry if I did something wrong.

P.p.p.s. I'm kind of confused by this whole site. Why is the "home" page a page when i'm not logged in? Are the only things to do on this:
a) forums
b) profile
c) streak tracker
or am I missing something big here?
Click to expand...

Hi. Welcome to forum!

Make sure you crate a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain. It is a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body. Check out this Ted talk, it gives a good idea of what's it about when it comes to philosophy. As far as practical side of it there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations to get you started.

Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!

bluebynick · May 24, 2018

94d33m said: ↑

Bluebynick, you are definitely strong enough to fix your life. You do have a girlfriend so dont take her for granted, as many of us dont have and will not have any gf for our whole life. You dont have to be nervous about anything here, feel free to tell anything you like, we are all on the same boat. Hope you can battle your depression, and no you are not annoying, you are a golden little piece of human living out there arent ya ?
Click to expand...

Thanks 94d33m, your words were really kind and resonated with me. I'm smiling now and I feel a lot more comfortable. Thank you for the reply

bluebynick · May 24, 2018

The Serpent of Fire said: ↑

Hi. Welcome to forum!

Make sure you crate a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain. It is a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body. Check out this ted talk, it gives a good idea of what's it about when it comes to philosophy. As far as practical side of it there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations to get you started.

Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
Click to expand...

Thanks for the reply The Serpent of Fire. Those are some great tips and exactly what I needed to read to help me get started. I'm going to follow your advice and try some of the things you recommended. Specifically with the forums and the meditation. I used to meditate a lot and I've kind of stopped recently (along the same time when my addiction got crazy hmm), so I might try that again.

Thanks for the advice and thanks for the support.

~Bluebynick

P-Free · May 24, 2018

@bluebynick so glad to see you here. You're in the right place with the right mindset to beat your addiction. Never feel like you need to apologize for posting in your own journal. This is a place for *your* thoughts. It really is therapeutic! I love your writing style, too. As for long posts, no worries there, either. I regularly write "War and Peace" length entries in my journal. You've got some great reasons for wanting to beat pmo and, like I said, you are in the right place. You'll connect with some amazing guys here who have incredible insights. I was blown away by the level of support and community I found here. I hope to see you around and all my best on your journey! You can and will do great!

~Jay

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