Hi everyone. First time posting but i have been here for a while. I have been reading this forum and reddit from time to time. I have read many inspiring posts of you guys and it really helped me. But still, somehow I always failed. This time I am taking a different approach and I would like to share with the community. Maybe by doing so, I might find an extra motivation and maybe, help someone. So, this is my introduction. Sorry for this grim, long introduction. No hard feelings if you chose not to read. Also, English is not my native language. I am a 24 years old bachelor, never had a GF or had sex. Always been curious about sex since childhood and starting watching porn really early. As I come to my twenties, I went apeshit on porn. I would download, find good content and have hours of sessions when alone. I would avoid visiting relatives with my parents, so I could stay home and do my thing. Funny enough, I never considered that sitiation as an addiction. 3 years ago, I saw a forum topic in a hardware forum, saying "How to overcome porn addiction". With utmost confidence, I scoffed with a smile, and said to my self "I am not an addict" and "People get addicted to stupidest shit". But it clinged to back of my mind, and i went back to that page and opened. That was the start for me. When I have read the symptoms of watching porn, I was shocked. I had every fucking single one! I was drowning on social anxiety, lack of confidence, generally sucking at life etc. I was eating and blaming myself for those, cursing to the way I am. A light of hope was there. I could be better! There was a reason to the way I am. If I would do this, girls would be attracted to me! All I had to to do was to avoid PMO. So I did, for 3 weeks. And that is my record sadly. At my first attempts, I always had the urge to peak. I felt very sorry that I wasn't able to see all those heavenly(!) stuff and felt depressed because of it. I experienced ALL the side effects of abstaining. Also, improvements were distinct, easy to see in those first streaks. Seeing the improvements, I was in shock and awe. When I relapse, sometimes I would binge, thinking I will reset this anyway. Sometimes I would immediately regret and start my streak right after. But after I read the book, Your Brain On Porn, and learned about dopamine overload, I started to be more careful. As days past and my streaks continue to reset, the sideeffects started to become mild and so were the improvements. Then I realised that, compared to before, I am watching much, much less P on avarege, and that this made me better. My social anxiety and other problems got better. I would catch glimpses of girls when they were looking at me. So when I relapse, I am not going all the way back when I started, just a bit backwards. But, as I was unable to reach my goal to have a GF and have sex, I became very depressed. Also I took my improvements granted. These led me to start PMO'ing again and stop my journey of nofap. This time, I even paid a hefty amount money(for me) on toys. That state continued for a while and the improvements I took for granted slowly started to fade away and my old pathetic self started to emerge. I refused to see this fact and continued but after some time, I had enough. Giving up the toys were very hard, i had spent good money on them and they were a big step up from my hands. I destroyed them fuckers and this was a messege to myself that there was no turning back this time. A year passed with 2-3 week streaks and following binges. Always the same problem, something would trigger me, I would enter a state that has no return, and eventually give in. Funny thing is, I don't even have urges to peak. I can distinctly seperate my urges, to urges coming from the need of Porn dopamine, and the urges coming from horniness. I can clearly say that I am past the first type of urges. Their origin is addiction and not libido. Yet, the urges coming from real libido are very hard for me. They are the reason I cant go pass 3 week. Around 2 weeks the horniness start and becomes a torture until I relieve myself. In that state I become so depressive that I cant have sex, that I never had sex, that people have sex... That bad feeling becomes my downfall always. That state feels so fucking bad that I do anything to get out of it. I am not addicted to P anymore, sadly I am CHOOSING to watch it. With clear mind, I know that it is bad but like I said, that fucking state... It is like torture. Btw, even if I say 3 weeks, that is not my avarege. 3 week streaks are rare for me. Mostly 1-2 weeks sadly. I know all of my triggers, I dont have any downloaded content and I made it hard for me reach the porn on the internet. I also avoid seeing "not porn" soft stuff. As after two weeks, I become so horny that even images of fully clothed girls registers as porn by my brain. I would casually see a girl and I would enter that "High" state. Burning sensation on brain, hands trembling, fast hearth rate... I don't know, maybe I am still an addict. My life is fucked. I fucked it. By not doing things that I am responsible for. I always procrastinate. I couldn't even succeed in things I like. I am doing bodybuilding, but I always do it and dont do it in periods. As result, I have absulutaly nothing to show. It has been years since I started to workout, I am very knowledgeable about it, but I just didn't have the discipline to do it. I have black belt in karate, but only once I did attain a tournement. My school is fucked, I didn't attend classes. So, I didn't have social life in school. Did I have fun, have party, hang out with people when I wasn't in school? No, I was at home gaming and PMO'ing. People fuck their school, but they do it because they are having fun. My early twenties went to waste and are not coming back. I am 24 and have ZERO experience with girls. All these things made me even more depressive and sometimes, suicidal. Weird thing is, I always considered myself as an optimist. So, when I have negative thoughts, you know shit is bad. I was surprised I am having negative thoughts at first, but it became a norm for me past two years. Sad thing is, I have confidence in myself. I know that I can do, accomplish anything I want. And I actually think I am intelligent, despite what evidence suggest. I have bursts of motivation sometimes, and when I am in that brief motivated state, I manage to accomplish things, faster than most people would. But they last short. Everytime when motivation cames I say to myself "this time it will different, I will get my life back on track". But everytime I fail. This happened so many times that now, I lost my confidence. I have what it takes to accomplish things, but just do not have any motivation to do so. It is like a bad joke. On this background, I have started my new streak but this time I am doing monk mode. Maybe it will be better for me. I will share my logs on this forum this time. Thanks to anyone read it. Hope everyone gets better, including me.
I read your entire post. I think you are smart enough to figure out a path to success yourself if you are given directions. 1) Stick to this site like your life depends on it "until" you successfully reboot. After that reduce using this as a clutch! 2) Read "Intimate connections" by David Burns. It is an old book. The advice is very simple "If you don't love your self nobody will". The book has specific steps. I wish you good luck!
Hi. Welcome to forum! Your intuition is right, being active and sharing helps motivation a lot. Make sure you crate a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation. Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
I have added the book you mention on top my book list. Thank you for your suggestion. I have come to realise that is indeed true, as I started to hang out on the forum. I am posting my logs in here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...r-first-time-after-3-years-of-failure.174942/
Welcome to the site. I also tried many times but always ended up relapsing. I believe high engagement on these forums is a very important step. Reading other people's stories will keep you motivated and try helping others. Best of luck.
