How porn gradually turned me into such a monster

Wow. I'm amazed by your answer and support guys. I really feel myself connecting the human kind days after days. I feel like my social life is having a rebirth. Today, I had to talk on the phone to a girl to take a rendez vous. I never felt so well to talk with someone. The fix is probably superficial for now but I definitly think that I'm on the good path to improve myself in a way I was deseperatly looking for.

So thank you and I want you to know that you're all welcome to send me a private message if want or need to talk.

@ShockTheSystem Well I said I was not looking for validation, but reading your answer felt I was doing the right thing and it was heartwarming. I can wait everyday to go on this forum to read answer, especially yours.

I don't feel like my life is hard or used to be. Maybe my mom's cancer was hard to digest, the rest was I think, pretty common situation that made me over react emotionally. Well, it's true that my das is a little fucked up inside and my mother never really helped me to improve, she just always left him being himself.

They both have regrets about their life and their kids but I've completely forgived them. Even more, I saw that light in the dark. When I was a kid, my dad were only they to hit me when I did something wrong (the he judged wrong). He was hard with me and I was scared of him. He was just a hard worker that gave his life for the people instead of his family and he was also really sad inside. So I forgive him, at 100% and I can do it cause he accept the fact the hitting a kid is really weak. If he was not okay with that, I would not forgive him at 100%.

My mom just wanted to preserve our family which worked in the ends. She gave twice the love we needed cause our father was not really present for us.

Today, I'm happy about being alive and that's a HUGE improvement compared to my young year when I wished I would have prefered not to exist.

The break up with the girl taught me a lot about life. Not because she left, but because others stayed.

I've learnt with time that she was not completely innocent since she never did anything to change me. She was rennoncing to her life to be with me wich was terrible and unhealty. She left me like a coward. I had to saw her with her new boyfriend at a firework, I did not know she had someone new (I had a girlfriend too btw), but it hurted me, that HER, could do the same coward shit as me, I mean not facing the life, just living your life without confronting other people. Well, I deserved this, but she refused to talk to me, to have a final period to our story. She left me hanging with my situation, alcoholic, alone, with my mother fighting cancer. I tought it was the end of everything for me. I really tought that I would never go further than that.

But I had to learn that I deserved my situation. Cause I never wanted to say "I love you" to this girl. Cause I asked her to pump my dick and swallow everything but I would never kiss her to show her how much I do care for her. I never cared about her life. I did not know a single friend of her. I did know nothing about her. Just that she was my toy. For this, I had and have to pay. Even if it mean being kind of heartbroken for life. I accept this. I accept to, maybe, never be able to love a girl anymore or to never know such an intense love. I've ruined this as much as I have ruined her.

So once she left, I've learnt about life. Not the second after I got heartbroken, it tooks time. Hours, days, weeks, months.. To see that my dad was a sad man. That my sister was broken inside. That my mom was always there for me, even completely weakened

I have learned that "those friends" were definitely not friends. They wanted me to be as bad as they are, they wanted me to accept my destiny.

My closest "friend" even said when we was drunk in his cave :

"Hey Blue, don't left the city (to make study and chase the girl.. yeah I should talk about that too one day). Stay with us. Enjoy your drink here. Imagine yourself at 40.. maybe 50.. Here with us, you won't be sad anymore and we would laught about this".


Holy shit, I ain't gonna stay there for 30 years drinking with unemployed and miss a chance to fix everything. Fuck you.

As I said, it was the best decision of my life to leave everything because anyone that was caring about me did not left me. So, now, I really do love my life and also simply, really do love life itself.

@arpyegap Bro, coming here to say everything I had on my hearth and head was one of the most benefit choice of my life. I feel like I'm killing all the demons that were in my head for years. Like I'm fixing my life, the last pieces that collapsed a long time ago. I can't believe that I am not the only one that I've done such special things with his mind but I'm sure we are not alone and it feel great and I hope you do too. Because we are here to improve and to accept that what we've done is not fatal, it is not the end of our lives. This is just the begining. Accepting, fixing, moving on.

Stay strong brother.

@tIoD (the i is tricky aha), yeah, I relate too. Using the GF to asserve our porn drived mind. I can't have a serious relationship too now. Nor I just got ED with the girl cause she is not acting like a porn bitch, Nor she is acting like a porn bitch and it's good but I'm why too shy to act cause it is too fast for me. Anyways, my relationship module is broken.

I need to get drunk to have sex but I used to be alcoholic (almost 8 months !), so I chose to renounce to have sex in order to live well.

But, I have a sort of GF, very long term friend with benefit that I can fuck when I want but the sex is "meh", I mean, we can have a great session of sex but she always want to fuck and don't really want to do other things to me to makes me horny.. (she don't suck too). So, it is reaaaaaally boring.

I tried to fuck prostitute but I have ED, too shy. Funny that some people think I fuck a lot of girls and see me as an alpha male because I'm really not like that omg. Maybe it add even more pressure to me ? Dunno.

Thanks for your post bro, I don't feel like special but it is true that my life had someone random and wtf moment tho ahah