Respecting her boundaries

This entry was posted originally at self improvement-section. Maybe this journal is much more useful in here

Originally posted at 25.5.2018

One big problem in our marriage is that I don't respect my wife's boundaries. The purpose of this journal is for me to learn to acknowledge them and to take responsibility of my own actions and bad choices.

Here are the boundaries my wife has set:

No whining
No wallowing in self-pity
No lying
No excuses
No evasiveness when discussing things related to my recovery, her feelings or our marriage
No gaslighting
No trying to make her take responsibility that belongs to me
Working together for a common goal

If I break these boundaries and fail to change my behaviour when she asks me, the consequence for me is to post to this journal answering these questions she has drawn up:

1.What was the situation where I brokeher boundaries and which were the boundaries I broke?

2.What/how was my attitude in thesituation and why?

3.When I consider my own personalgrowth, my wife's healing process and the well being of our marriage, how/whywas it wrong for me to have that attitude?

4.What kind of attitude would have helped me grow as person, would havefelt better for my wife and contributed to the wellbeing of our marriage, and why?

5.What can I do now to fix my attitude?

6.What am I thankful for and what are the things in my life that make it possible for me to grow as person right now.

I have to dig deep answering each ofthese questions. The point is not to letmyself off the hook, but to learn to change my attitude and the behaviour that follows. A good rule of thumb is, thatif there's clearly room to ask ”why?” or ”how?”, the answer is not elaborateenough.

After I've answered to all of these questions, I will open the discussion I hadtrouble with again with my wife, and this time I will be committed to give my best possible effort to have a great attitude.

 

Originally posted 25.5. 2018

Okay. Here we go.

1.What was the situation where I broke her boundaries and which were theboundaries I broke?

We were taking about my goals on myroad to sobriety. Goals would give me a clearer idea on what kind of differentthings I should concentrate. My wifeoffered to give hints and tips about thegoals and her opinion if some goalsrelevant or not. Instead of figuring out my own goals, my attitude during that talkwas more like that I was just wondering different kind of ideas for her to approveor disapprove. I didn't bothered to think by myself. I just waited something alreadychewed to be passed on me. I had a same kind of attitude as a kid in a schoollong time ago. Instead of doing work bymyself I try to guess right. It is 100% myresponsibility to figure out my own goals, not her. She already have her own thingsand worries to think

Boundary broken: I tried her to take my responsibilities


2.What/how was my attitude in the situation and why?
I was lazy. I was selfish. I just came home from work. Even though I had thinkedabout my goals at work, I didn't have the right kind of mindset to think about thegoals. I justified my laziness and bad motivation by the excuse that I justarrived home and wanted to rest. Actuallymy responsibility is also to say straight "not now honey, I promise, later this evening". I didn't even do this. I had a verybad attitude.

3.When I consider my own personalgrowth, my wife's healing process and the well being of our marriage, how/whywas it wrong for me to have that attitude?

My attitude shows that I don't take these things seriously. I don't listen my wife'sneed and respect her boundaries, even though when considering how criticalsituation our marriage is now. Too difficult for me and I immediately let my wife to do the thinking for me. I couldhave think about these boundaries at work in advance. I was clearly a shallowthinker about these boundaries. It worries my wife and lowers my credibility in hereyes as a man who cares and does thingsin our marriage. I wasn't completely committed.
Considering my personal growth, it wasbad thing to justify different kind of things. It is very selfish. This justamplifies my escapism-attitude. Life ishard. It is full of different kind of compromises. Making excuses not tofollow rules is devastating in a long run. Itis a weak and selfish way. It also prevents me to learn the dynamics of the healthyrelationship. There have never really beenhealthy and equal give and take-balance with my wife. I am the taker. I was takingfrom her for not respecting her boundaries she set.

4.What kind of attitude would have helped me grow as person, would havefelt better for my wife and contributed to the wellbeing of our marriage, and why?

Instead of trying to guess right, I could have had attitude where I remind myself that these are important things, and my wife and my marriage are part of it. We talk about these and I work with these things with a full heart. These are difficult things but eventually they help me to grow. This kind of attitude would be clearly seen by my wife. This kind of attitude would show to her that I am really committed to fix things. That I can see and understand that there is also her in my marriage, not just my selfiness

5.What can I do now to fix my attitude?

I make myself clear that it is my responsibility to set my goals and to tell my wife how wrong it was that I dumbed my responsibilities on her. I have to understand well and deeply why this upset her and why she was disappointed. When we continue to talk about my goals, I'm going to take responsibility to figure them out by myself

6.What am I thankful for and what are the things in my life that make it possible for me to grow as person right now.
I am thankful that my wife is very forgiving as long as I try hard. She surelyis not a something to be taken granted. No one is. I am also thankful of my job. My job is actually pretty easy and wellpaid. It doesn't follow me at home, so I really have time and possibilities at workto think about my marriage, my addiction and spiritual growth. I am also thankful that we live in quite stable and safe country. I have different kind of socialhealth care services and support groups. I'm not alone. I also have nice and smartfriend who understands my problems and doesn't judge me. I am thankful about the Internet's bright side, a cyberspace full of information for those who seeks it.

 

Originally posted 30.5.2018

I was a very immature yesterday, so lets clear my mind:


1. What was the situation where I brokeher boundaries and which were the boundaries I broke?

I was nervous when we had our fanos moment and my wife was worried if I was hiding something. Fanos requires honestyfrom both sides and I have been lying about my PMO sobriety for a 8 months. Nervous signs like sweaty hands aresuspicious for her and I have admitted that when I am nervous I get sweaty.

I was nervous because at monday I gavemyself a permission not to think aboutmy porn addiction or self improvement, as long as I stay clay from my addiction(no PMO). This was a good idea and it surely was relieving, because after telling the truth to my wife about my dishonesty, my thoughts have been just spinning around without any good results. I havebeen in a hurry to "fix" things because of shame and guild I was feeling. Instead of thinking clearly and prioritizing things I have ranted my feelings in here nofap andI have been filled with a annoying feeling of how overwhelming my task mountain is. I have enjoyed to take some "vacation"from this treadmill.

Yesterday I took part to the Sex Addicts Anonymous. After my "vacation" from myaddiction recovery, the issues brought up in the meeting reminded me about the nature of my addiction and my marriage. In the meeting I told everything and mademyself an accountable to almost 20 people. I was upset and after leaving the meeting I justified myself not to think about these issues for the rest of the day. I just listened music in the bus and wanted to chill out. Later I was regretting this attitude, because earlier at the same day I had an discussion with my wife about justifying things. Everytime I haverelapse, there have been a justification behind it. I told her that this attitude applies on many other things too. So Idecided to be mindful when I am going to justify things when I want something to be easy or I don't want to takeresponsibility.

So I had a problem. I should haveadmitted myself my dreadful feelings that meeting caused in me and tell about them to my wife. Instead I avoided myresponsibilities as a newly recovering addict and uneasy feelings and I onlywanted to have a nice time for the rest of the evening. So I went home to see mywife and wanted to be with her, talking only about nice things and watching youtube videos.

Later I remembered my decision not to justifyto do or not to do things and Inoticed that I wasn't living by that code. This made me feel guilty and ashamed. I knew I had to tell the truth at fans and Iwas nervous what my wife would think if I tell to her that I was hiding such a intense feelings I had after the meeting. I hadmade a promise to her to be transparent about my addiction and feelings.

When my wife wanted to know why I was nervous, it made things much worse.During my 8 months double life I usually acted weirdly after SAA-meetings. This was because in the meetings I had toface the fact that I have to be honest. Otherwise it creates guilt that will get worse in time. I was guilty every time I get back home. Often we had a fight afterthose meetings because my wife saw something was wrong and I didn't want to reveal my dishonesty. Because of mylying, it is natural that my wife hardly believes if I am telling the truth, especially if I am acting even more weirdly.

I went to a flight or fight mode. Instead of telling what I was thinking and what kindof my feelings were, I avoided the core issue, I get frustrated and started gas lighting my wife. I didn't listen her needs,even though she calmly told me about her feelings and what she needed from me at that situation.
My frustration turned into a passive-aggressive anger and tried to pass part my responsibility to make peace completely to her. I tried to wash my hands from the situation. My attempts tomake a peace and to cooperative with here were very shallow. I didn't care if she was anxious and upset. I was onlythinking about me and my feelings. My attempts to do cooperation were shallow because I wanted the situation to be over very quickly. I avoided my responsibility to admit that I had screwed up and it was my fault.

Boundaries broken: I was WHINING from the start because of my frustration. I was EVASIVE about what really is going onand ILIED about the true nature of my nervousness and my willingness to fix the situation. In reality I wanted to avoid the whole thing. I had EXCUSES why I cannotman up and be there for her or why I didn't watch. self help videos she send to me. I was dwelling in SELF PITY and started to avoid my responsibilities even more. Istarted GASLIGHTING her when myexcuses started to run out and even I wasn't anymore sure what I have told to her during the fight. When I was apologizing my behaviour I had an "happynow?"-attitude. This was my way to make her to TAKE MY RESPONSIBILITY to solve the problem. " I did my best. Your fault if you're not happy". This was my way to avoid my responsibility.





2.What/how was my attitude in the situation and why?

I was avoiding my responsibilities to be honest and transparent. I also protect my codependent attitude
, which is that I want things to change, but I kinda wait it to happen by itself or easily.
This is not a first time I lied to her and I didn't want to feel like a scumbagbecause of lying. I was making an excuses for myself, like I want to protect her from bad feelings, but in reality , Iwasprotecting myself. I was protecting the fact that I have a lazy and comfort-seeking attitude when I am facingdifficulties. My goal is to be a trustworthy to her again and to get sober. Having an lazy and selfish attitude towards the necessary actions needs to be done doesn't sound too good. The day before Iwas crying and telling her how much I hate porn and how it have ruined my life. Right on the the next day I justify laziness when things get even slightly difficult. Iwanted to protect this fact about my attitude.

I was sabotaging my goals in personal growth. I have to fix my attitudes towards my responsibility to get sober and to grow. To be mentally stronger. I also havea goal to have a better attitude toward my wife as a person and as a woman. I have to stop taking her for granted. I have to know her better and understand her. Yesterday I had a bad attitude towardsher and her needs I saw her only as a difficult person to please.



3. When I consider my own personalgrowth, my wife's healing process and the well being of our marriage, how/why was it wrong for me to have that attitude?

I'm avoiding to take responsibility of my own life. That kind of attitude prevents me from growing into a more dynamic and independent individual. That kind of attitude keeps me in a victim mindset. It keeps me waiting and passive. I avoid being active and on the other hand I want happiness to be part of my life. That kind of attitude keeps me in blaming modeand makes me eventually bitter. I lost lots of opportunities. I start to see world as a unfair place where I am a victim.

My wife wants certainty and security. Lying and my double life have shatteredher trust. Being open and honest to her, even if news are bad is good because it shows to her that I am strong enough to face the truth with her. That she can feelcomfortable with her own feelings If she knows that I am strong and that I won't broke into a pieces because of her feelings. She felt me as a safe andreliable person at the beginning of our relationship. Now after my double life and lies it is even more fundamental that Iprove to her by my own actions, not by words that I am trustworthy and I care for her. She have experienced a betrayaltrauma and every time I start to act weirdly she experiences all bad feelings of the trauma. All dirty tricks and breaking her boundaries just makes me to look likea selfish and unsentimental crook. This upsets her even more, because message of this kind of behaviour is that I don'tcare about her. It makes her question my true motives and makes her anxious about who I truly am.

This kind of childish, advantage taking and responsibilities avoiding attitude of mine won't let our marriage be balanced and equal. There is no balanced givingand taking in our relationship. Both sides of the marriage should be able to trust each other. There is no equal happiness in the marriage if only other side is theactive and responsible one.


4.What kind of attitude would have helped me grow as person, would have felt better for my wife and contributed to the wellbeing of our marriage, and why?

I should have been grateful of having that one day when I didn't have to think about these issues. Actually it was suggested by my wife, who had an same kind of issues with a spinning thoughts. When I had that day, I started to rationalize my goals, actions and subjects of myaddiction much clearer. I should have stopped and ask myself "Now, where are we? What I have learned?" After this I could learn more and make next checking about my status.

I should have stayed true to the nature of my addiction and to my wife's trauma, not in wanting everything to be so easy. This would have kept me humble and not forgetting what I am responsible of and what are our boundaries . I should have accepted and honored my feelings and this transparency would have beencomforting to my wife. Even though If I went little bit looney, I should havestopped my behaviour and started to listen my wife when she calmly told about her feelings and needs. It was a strong thing to do and I should have decided to be fair for her and to swallow my pride.

5.What can I do now to fix my attitude?

I have to accept the fact that I started the fight. I wasn't honest to myself and to mywife. This is my fault. It is my fault that my wife have a betrayal trauma. She didn't do nothing wrong to me. It is surprising how strong willed she is and I shouldfollow her model. I am not a victim. Everytime I dwell in self pity or gaslight her or try to suffocate her feelings in order to protect my own well being, I am hating her.

I have to remember that when she is angry to me or sad because all of this, it is a sign that she cares for me and ourmarriage. If she is worried because of my PA and wants to talk about her worries, I have to remember that her point is not "You filthy PA. You ruined ourmarriage!".No. She just is expressing her feelings. She is upset. She wants certainty and security. So do I. She wants to do teamwork. Everytime she is worried because of my suspicious behaviour, I should think about it as a call for teamwor. " Let's find a common goal my sweet!" should be my trigger. I shouldalso remember that on the other hand I am a cool guy. She just misses cool and warm hearted me.

6.What am I thankful for and what are the things in my life that make it possible for me to grow as person right now.

I am thankful for Tony Robbins 6 human needs demonstration. It gave me to take a distance at my addiction. It is not a some sinful boogeyman anymore. Relapsing would make me look like a total jerk in this light of information. PA is just a quick fix for my personal needs especially for certainty, variety and significance.

I am also thankful for a phrase in a book that I am reading. It goes like this "Mike, I don't want you to run away from yourtroubles for the rest of your life....after that is done, you can ask was it worth it?". This was a advice from a father to son. This resonated in me because I related to that Mike character and I didn't never had a good advices from my own father.

I am grateful for the Sex AddictsAnonymous. Even though the groupreminded about the facts of this mess, it was nice to be there. This time I was more open minded and I didn't hold any secrets from the group too. I owned mylies and double life to the group and I owned my personal issues and grudgesto a person who was oblivious about them. I find. SAA as a good resource of wisom for those who wants to seek it.

I am grateful for my 12 steps workbook. I see it in a different light too, when I have admitted that I really need help. I have already have tasted a little bits of the moral values and way of living that book shows and they feel comforting andsatisfying.

I am also thankful that I can be more open to people in general. I am muchmore talkative than before and I find chatting quite amusing and fun without feeling that I should be ashamed about some character or physical flaw. I havemuch better feeling of connection and it makes PA to feel less like a "only option"

I am grateful that my wife understands that some things can be a difficult to meat first. I really am frustrating person to have a fight with and still my wife tries to understand my side. She is so giving if Iwould give her too. I want to be good and understanding and loving husband to her. She have behaved much more mature way than me and I respect that.

 

Originally posted 17.5.2018

1. What was the situation where I broke her boundaries and which were the boundaries I broke?

The situation is complex. I have beenacting in a codependent way in the last couple of days(not expressing my feelings clearly, obsessing are myfeelings valid) and have had an badattitude and this created a fight betweenme and my wife. During those fights I have been selfish and avoided myresponsibilities.
Boundaries broken: Whining, self pity,lying, making excuses, not working for a common goal and trying to make her take my responsibility.

2.What/how was my attitude in thesituation and why?
Deep down I felt frustrated and helpless because of my mixed feelings. During fights I was arrogant and aggressive. I wanted to be right. I was avoiding my responsibility of my own actions.I had a mixed feelings and I wanted to beunderstood. I was switching fromaggression to whining and self-pity. I saw my upset wife more like an enemy. This was because I am selfish and I am usedto be heard when I have troubles. Problem was that I didn't want to takeresponsibility to work with my feelingsand to work with her. I wanted somebody to pet me. My wife sees through this BSand I was disappointed and frustrated. Iwas also avoiding the subject. We made up the fight earlier but it of course had it's effects on both of us. Instead of openinga conversation about it with my wife I was avoiding it. I was avoiding it becausetalking about my bad behaviour and how I hurt my wife makes me feel bad.

3.When I consider my own personal growth, my wife's healing process andthe well being of our marriage, how/whywas it wrong for me to have that attitude?

This was bad for my personal growthbecause I wasn't open and honest aboutwhat's going on in my head. Instead ofbeing open and honest I was actingcodependently, which is part of the PAproblem. Not being honest and lyingcreates toxic shame to which I have usedP as self medication. Instead of taking responsibility of my own actions andcalming down and thinking clearlythrough what really is going on, I was only attacking to my wife who was upset. Iwanted to be right and this kind of attitude have never worked for me. Still I was doing this nevertheless she havegave me warnings that if I don't changethis attitude we will have a divorce. Being overrun my feelings this way and how I justify bad behaviour when I have someissues is a very bad thing and I really need to take it seriously and to do somethingabout it. When I have this kind of attitude I will never have healthy relationships withanybody.

My wife have her own issues with herbetrayal trauma. She needs energy andtime to process through all the grieving. She doesn't need any extra worries. Being so selfish and mean doesn't help her. Instead my behaviour only makes things worse. My behaviour is only a sign to herthat I don't care her needs. That they aren't important to me when I so easily start to be so selfish. She already isshocked of my double life and she needsme to be strong and loving and to be there for her. I have to prove that I havequitted my addiction and that I am there only for her. Not respecting her needs and breaking her boundaries only tells theopposite.

Considering the idea of marriage, it is very damaging that I was acting like a selfish child. I was very needy with my feelings and I didn't wanted to admit that I was wrong with my attitude. There is never a fight between a husband and a wife. There is only a fight between a child and and an adult. There is no equality in our marriage when I have this kind of selfish attitude. I cannot have both : a selfish attitude and a happy marriage. I have to work for a common goal no matter how bad sometimes things can feel. This is agrown up way.

4.What kind of attitude would have helped me grow as person, would havefelt better for my wife and contributed to the wellbeing of our marriage, and why?

Instead of bottling my emotions up and starting to compensate my mixed feelings, I should have take time and think about them and the overall situationwhere I was at that time. Then, if I stillhad a need to talk about my feelings, I could have done that in a clear and openmanner. During a fight I should havestopped and calm myself and remind to myself what I am doing to my wife , if Icontinue my behaviour. We have had this kind of fights before and they have goneworse because of this kind of attitude.
By calming myself and accepting the facts that I started the fight and made it worse and owning this to my wife as soonas possible would prevent the fights becoming any worse. Thoroughlyaccepting the fact that I am an assholewho treats her wife badly would help me to make better choises. I should remindmyself that when I am a good guy whomakes my wife feel better makes me feel better too. This needs of course work, my happiness with my wife is not somethingthat happens by itself.
I have to remind myself that happy status quo between us is like a flower. It needs daily care to keep it alive. In this case itmeans that I stay open and honest and that I respect her boundaries and needs.

5.What can I do now to fix my attitude?
I have to be gentle to myself. There is a reason for my codependent behaviour patterns. It is ok to understand them but I always have a choice to do thingsdifferently. I choose badly. I have to take responsibility of my bad attitude and give up of my pride.
We have a great time together when Iwork for our marriage. I should keep that fact on sight when I climb back up to to horse.
I have to understand and accept that these now possibilities are truly runningout. My wife won't accept this kind of selfishness anymore. She's not happywith me when I behave this way. She will find happiness elsewhere if I won't change.

6.What am I thankful for and what are the things in my life that make it possible for me to grow as person right now.

I am thankful that my wife is so matureand emotionally intelligent person that she undestands also that I have my own issues and childhood problems. She havenever thinked about me that I am some kind of deviant etc. because of my PA. She truly is a loving wife who have alwaysbeen there for me. I have always tried to find connection into a something. I have wanted to be loved and cherished and mywife actually gives all these things. I have never wanted to see this. Poblem is inme. I have to give up my doubts and obsessive thoughts and start to trust her.

I am also thankful of my Codependent no more-book. It helps me understand myissues and find my value which I shouldhave found long time ago.

I am also thankful that I have stayed sober 21days. Even though I have random meltdowns and mood swings I have started to enjoy little and big things in my life in a different kind of passion than ever before when I was doing PMO. I enjoy to have chitchat with people and I feel much easy going. Giving up porn surely uplifts my quality of life. I really have to change myself not being so childish and selfishwhen I am dealing with my life or withanything. I surely have a nice future if Istay sober and grow up.

 

Hi!

Thank you for a great post! You gave good points to think about!

That is a good one! From the beginning (last septemper) my attitude for have been more like "I am doing this for her". My remorse and shame removed me from the equation. I really didn't see that I would do this first and foremost for myself.

Probably I wouldn't do this kind of deep analyzing about what happened and why if she wouldn't force me. My codependent habits to obey play a big part in these boundary-writing sessions. Actually right now when I am writing, I see that this is a problem. I should do this much more actively for myself and start to think about other situations too (like my codepedency issues).



I really have a blurry understanding where our boundaries are. I have been a certain kind of "expansion" to my wife. I have suppressed my needs and put my wife's needs first. I really need to stop my deeply learned codependent thinking and habits. So no wonder I have had difficulties to stand up and doing things on my own.

Many times I slip into a thinking, like "I have to fix my wife!" I know this kind of thinking is waste of energy, especially if I start to act by this thinking.

I have a accountability partner on here nofap, but I have to get one at SAA too. There surely is many situations when I'm not sure what to think or do