141 days porn free, 44 no PMO

I had believed in God very hard, but with my following depression I just started to hate him. I couldn't understand why i felt like a man without balls. I blamed Him for all of bad things in my life. For my anxiety, problems with making decisions, sadness, no ability to love.
Now I understand that all of this is because of me. I started watching porn at 18. It was a time, where my family have been fighting with one, but big problem. It was a conflict between my brother and father - including his girlfriend, now wife. It lasted approximately 2 years. I couldn't handle this situation, because i didn't want to be on someone's side. And everything started to become miserable.
Now my family is OKi. My father and brother have a good contact. My loved ones are healthy and happy. I am grateful to God for it. But addicted Bartek is still struggling with porn. I hope that God will be my helpmate
60th day. Libido came back. Not linear process. From dr Jekyll to mr Hyde

 

I am grateful for the good word

 

64th day
How long did your depression last? I ask you because at this moment I feel not very well. I have a big problem with my emotions. Sometimes I am very sad, sometimes I smile a lot. Sometimes I am aggressive, one moment later - very calm. I still have brain fog. I cannot focus, my memory is rather good but my ability to concentrate is very low. I always think about what I should do to improve my live.
I have the job, which i do not like. I have got master degree with good marks, but I work in the shop. I have never even kissed a girl. I have never loved a girl. I do not exactly know what is the aim of my life. I was learning a lot to make my english better, but in my state, these few words are making a big struggle for me. I just only want to get my brain again. Fuck, I have tears in my eyes :/

 

Sorry for my attitude in the last post. I would like to encourage all of you to try this challange. Maybe sometimes it will be hard, but only you have to do is to trust in the process.
My thought of the day is that I should focus on the present. I have always thought what was happened in my past, and what will be in the future. I just forgot, that the present is very important. Because exactly in the present we feel feelings. And feelings is the main component during our life I wish you good day.

 

Thank you for your response izdwuut. Long time, but effective as you said.
Today I played the piano again. Maby a few minutes, but it bring me a lot of fun. I couldn't play longer, becouse my hands find it difficult. It was becouse i just lost the habit. Maybe I will also play the guitar again. Who knows I wish you good day

 

Thank you a lot. Day by day we are getting smarter What is important i think is to remember to be humble. We are only people and people is not perfect. And this is what makes humanity beautiful.
Now, in Poland is nearly half past 10 am. I woke up at 7, eat banana, two slices of bread with a butter, drink orange juice. Next listen some good alternative music (Imagine Dragons, Coldplay, Lemon - polish band), play the piano again (better than yesterday), work out with my older brother, take cold shower. Now i want to share with my feelings.
Yesterday I saw three beautiful girls. They were cute. I was pleased to look at them. What is important I saw these girls in my past many times. But know everything seems to be different. Maybe some day I will get enough courage to approach to one of them and make even a short conversation.
I hope, cause during my streak, I am getting better. I start to believe in myself. I start to believe, that I am good man and I do not have to be shy. I can talk to these beautiful girls, because I am intelligent, well-disciplined, work hard to earn money, develop my interestings (like play the instruments, work out, read books, watchings good comedies). I love my family and I want to establish my own. SO WHY SHOUDL I HIDE FROM THESE GORGEOUS WOMEN? Good day. I hope that my statemants from time to time helps you. Because the aim of writing here is to help myself ( i feel much better when I can write what i feel - I would like to encourage all of you to write about your emotions) and to help YOU
I would like to stay humble. This is very important in my opinion Good day again

 

70th day
I have never been here. The longest streak so far was about maybe sixty days. Now i feel good. I think that i can trully say - I like myself. This is the major thing to achieve, cause when you do not like yourself, why do you expect that some nice girl will like you. I am good man and I am not affraid about the future.
I have from time to time some better and some worse days. This is normal, because there is a lot of emotions in our life. We have to face with some problems, some challanges. We can't be scared, we have to be brave.
I am addicted to PORNOGRAPHY, probably for the rest of my life. I wanted to hide my emotions, my loneliness, my dissapointintments. Like an alcoholic or drug-addict. It is time to stop watching shits and start to live the life.
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. JUST BE PATIENT AND BELIEVE IN THE PROCESS OF HEALING. THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT DURING YOUR RECOVERY YOU WILL HAVE TO FORCE YOUR WEAKNESSES. WHEN YOU BEAT YOUR WEAKNESSES YOU WILL BECOME FREE.
FREE --> HAPPY --> ABLE TO LOVE, AND TO BE LOVED

During NoFap:
1) withdrawal (approximately till 3 weeks)
2) irritability (20 to maybe 60th day)
3) acceptance (I think that I am now in this period)
4) clarity (i hope i will be here in the nearest future)

 

Thank you for your advices Dogwood.
Today I feel not very well and I can't write more. Certainly i won't come back to porn or masturbation. Although I feel sad right now, I feel good with myself. Probably i am sad, because of understanding about wasting my time during PMO. Approximately 10 years in this stinky shitty shit

 

Cześć
I spend to much time in front of my computer. I spend many hours reading a lot about porn addiction on this and on the other forums. I think that I reach the time which will be appropriate to cut off this behaviour. My knowledge about this issue is well-developed and I think it will be a good step.
Now i read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I want to recommend this book.
I will write soon, mayby next week.
Pozdrowienia z Polski

 

I wish you all the best. I believe in you pantheraonca. I think, during this process we have to accept, that we can't trust our brain. It is healing and wanting some dopamine. We have to know, that time will cure your mind. It is necessary to be patient.
81st day
Today I had a dream. In this dream i was with the girl. I kept her in my arms and what is interesting - i felt her heartbeat. Nice dream I think
Maybe I have good emotions again?