Hi guys and girls, I'm 31 a Christian and honestly pissed off with life and God. As a Christian, I've led a 'celibate' life. You might ask how I've managed? Well, I've watched a shit tonne of porn since I was 11. I estimated once that I've spent at least 1 year of my life watching and masturbating to porn. Ok, I wouldn't say I'm really celibate, (although some may disagree). As a result, I've never been able to connect with anyone and because of my beliefs about sex before marriage, I've remained a virgin. That was until a month ago. I was in China for work, I met this local woman there, she was young (not too young) and beautiful and we hit it off. That whole night was amazing and for the first time in my life, I had intimacy. She was a virgin too and nervous, what shocked me was that I was a gentleman. I suddenly realized this was not like porn where I take and give nothing back (I don't pay for it). I realized this was all about her, and pleasing her and making her feel loved. And by the morning I had to say goodbye and leave. That was crap. Since then I've hit the porn again because I want the intimacy, but it's not doing any good. I've even paid for the first time to chat with cam girls, but it's not the same anymore. I've had an encounter with a real and amazing woman and I can't go on leading this double life of mine, a 'good' Christian man who's addicted to porn. That night sex was 'good' as in it was pure... ok it was also just plain great! I see the difference and so here I am. I guess my intentions ain't the clearest. I'm still in contact with this amazing woman, it's not easy and the distance is vast. But if it doesn't work out, I don't want to come back to this crap. Its dust and gives me nothing of value. If you got this far I really appreciate you reading this. All the best to you and completing the challenge to stop, and get something better, whatever/whoever that may be. LDP21.
Ok, so I've cleared my phone of all porn and canceled out of the porn accounts I've set up. I'm ready to start cleaning things up. Next, I will remove my laptop and phone from the bedroom and create a no-go zone (I've tried this before and it works for a couple of days at least.) Tomorrow I'll dedicate myself to research and find some real clues on how to cope with the urge. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I've attempted to stop countless times, but I've never kept a diary about the struggle. Over and out.
Haven't posted cause I've got stuck. I seem to be craving intimacy as I posted earlier. So I've been paying to chat to women, it makes me feel great for a moment because they are live and 'real'. But I know deep down it's all an act and it can't go anywhere. I've learnt something about myself though, I fear real relationships that could got somewhere because of the prospect of rejection. At least with chat girls they will keep taking my money. But a real relationship is terrifying for me. So I decided to make a positive move, I've reached out and contacted a good Christian woman via a dating site. She's really nice, but as we chatted I noticed I wanted to push things quickly. She messaged me to say she lived too far from me and because of circumstances I won't go into, she couldn't handle a long distance relationship. Immediately I was hurt especially since she called me a "nice guy" which for me are the two worst words a woman can say. Just say you don't like me, don't add that on. Anyway, I was angry, but I kept my head and let her go. But later it occurred to me, that maybe this wasn't that she wasn't interested, maybe it was what she said and the distance is difficult. So I messaged back and told her that I'd do the back and forth, I love driving anyway. The moment I pushed back, I realized my battle is not with her it's with the fear of rejection itself. My instinct was to retreat, but I held my ground, and we're still talking. I'd love to say that's the journey over but it's just begun. But this is a win I can build on. As for the addiction, that's still quite alive, it's become the way I reach out for intimacy. But now I think I'm looking in the right place. I'm not saying that a woman will defeat my addiction. But what I am saying is that opening myself up to the mad, crazy idea that someone out there could love me, well... hope itself is a powerful weapon and motivator to move on with. That's it for today. Take care, fight the fight. Ldp21.
