My story (1)

Reflecting on my life.

Yes I am a porn addict since I started using the Internet 20
Years ago.

How did it come?


TRIGGER WARNING

As a kid I was shy and introvert. Strangely at an age when all boys make fun of girls and NEVER have a girl friend, I was the only boy in my class who had a girl friend. We met in pre school and our relationship lasted the following 5 years. A completely innocent friendship. We never played 'doctor' or made things with our genitials.

Different schools separated us. I had other boys as friends but never many friends.

Life as a kid was good. I didn't like school too much because I had to learn things I didn't want to learn. I was the youngest in my class and never felt physically strong. All those boy fights always looked strange to me maybe even ridiculous.

My family was pretty normal. my father a scientist, my mother a housewife and I had one elder sister. I said my family was pretty normal because as a youngster I wasn't aware what was going on under the surface. My mother had problems understanding my father who was a pure Assberger. He lived in his science world and human matters were foreign to his mind. As I learned later he had sex with my mom every Sunday morning when we children were still sleeping.

My father didn't like my sister. They were always fighting on an intellectual level. But my father was not the type who would beat us children.

My mother couldn't stand how my father would treat my sister and all this stress accumulated in a nerve break down. My mother was hiding what happened but my sister must have understood what wax going on. I wasn't aware of anything.

When I was 14 I experienced my first orgasm. Not in the bathtub. I was in my bed and somehow it felt good to rub a pillow against my penis. I wasn't even aware that I actually had an erection. And then a strange feeling happened. My penis started to 'burn' in a peasant way for several seconds and before I understood what was going on I ejaculated. I had had enough sex education to know that sperm came out and wasn't a boy any more.

In my family sex was not a taboo theme but there was not much talking about it. My father would laugh loudly when seeing a bare breasted women on TV shouting 'Look at the naked girl'' However he didn't have any talk about sex with me in a man to man setting.

From the day I learned to know the pleasure of masturbating I was nasturbating every day. Somewhere in the attic I found some old magazines where the center fold showed a naked woman. The models were not in porn poses but completely naked, some of them showing their crotch. This was stimulating for my masturbating pleasures. I still have a visual memory of some of the women.

The adventure ended when my mom found the pictures under the carpet when cleaning the house. She had no bad words just saying 'where the hec did you find those nude beauties?'
She didn't even demand to throw them away. But I was ashamed of it and ripped every page into shredded pieces.

I continued my masturbations mostly every evening in bed. Sometimes two or three times in a row.

When other boys started to have girl friends I didn't. My male friends didn't have girl friends either.

My father never spoke about such things. He didn't even make one single joke that I had no girl friend. At least I can't remember. My mom didn't say anything either.

The only contact with the opposite sex was in a small discussion group with 2 other boys and two girls. But none of us was in a more serious relationship. We met must of the time at my friends place because in the cellar room we could hear music late at night and there was a separate exit.

In those days, I was 16, I would have fantasies to have sex with one of the two girls when I masturbated. But I was too shy to initiate anything with the girl to become more intimate.

Other boys in my class certainly had started to have sexual contact with girls. I was somehow afraid. Then AIDS appeared and set my mind that it is dangerous to have sex, though my animal brain wanted to have sex all the time.

At the same time my pre school girl friend came back to my school. She was a woman now and I was too shy to ask her for a date or anything. Usually I would just shyly say hello. Not much later l saw her with her boy friend and this was emotionally painful for me.

I can't clearly remember if I had sexual fantasies of her baked body when masturbating, but certainly did. No female would be safe of my fantasies including my mom and my sister.

On the surface I was still the quiet boy in the class and I took my pride in being the best in music and arts. The rest didn't really interest me.

One day I made a drawing of a fantasy nude women leaning back exposing her huge well formed breasts while rubbing her crotch.

With 19 school was finished and my chosen profession catapulted me 10000 miles away from my family in a country where I didn't understand one word at the beginning. I concentrated on the things I had to learn and was living in absolute isolation for 1 year. It didn't bother me and I had no moment of homesickness. Though I was free to do what I wanted I had some self imposed rule not to look at pictures of nude women. One day a classmate invited all to watch a porn movie, but I stayed out of the group, I enjoyed my daily masturbation inventing postures and tricks to get a better orgasm. Sometimes I managed to have super orgasm firing my sperm right into my face.

There was one girl in the class l liked a bit, but because I couldn't really talk to her I didn't do anything. I just watched how another boy in my class tried to get closer to her. After a year she left before completing the course. When I managed to speak well enough I still couldn't make up my mind to get a girl friend for some sort of intimate relationship. Once I saw by chance a man having sec with a woman in a car. It completely aroused me, I went home and relieved myself masturbating 2 or 3 times.

Another discovery I made was the use of cigarettes. When I smoked my first cigarette I got at once the most intense erection one could imagine. From there smoking one cigarette before rubbing my penis would be often but not always the aphrodisiac appetizer.

During this time I met a man when I traveled who sent a girl to my hotel room. I am not sure if she was a real pristitute but certainly had often sex with different men. The moment she got into my room my prick was exploding in my pants but I couldn't even get her to do anything. I was even too afraid to touch her. After 20 minutes she left and I had a masturbation session.

I had fantasies about women but I never really fell in love. At 23 I fell in love with a pretty woman. I was mad about her. The first time I got my guts together and talked to her. We made a date which ended that she didn't show up. I don't give up until I found out that she already was in a relationship.

It took me 2 years to get over my love sick feelings. I changed working place again. This time I went to France. Before I rented my apartement I stayed in a hotel and once when I was channel hopping on TV I saw my first porn movie. My erection came in seconds and the impact of the images literally exploded my mind.

It must have distorted my mind forever. Watching porn is not having sex with a real woman. But it formed in my brain the idea that sex stimulates exactly like watching a porn movie.

While working in France I first encountered a woman who was somehow interested in me. She came to my apartement. I think she wanted sex with me but I wasn't interested. We talked and then she left.

Masturbating every day became a daily routine. Once in a while I would find some stimulating picture to use for this purpose but never thought about buying pornografic magazines.

In the meantime former class mates from school got married has sex and made children. Strangely two of my best friends shared the same fate with me.

I started to think that something about me is not normal. Something that made all my efforts to get a relationship end in finding again a woman who has already a boy friend.

In this state of mind I continued my life as the masrurbator. Eventually curiousity about sex would drive me to buy some books with pictures of positions and other sex educational stuff.

I reached my thirties birthday without ever having kissed a woman. My own birthday present was a get drunk masturbation making it very slowly for almost 2 hours until I couldn't hold it any more.

Later I landed in a big city in America. I used the opportunity to make a new start. Right at the beginning I entered a dating club to meet Asian women which somehow became the target of my masturbating fantasies. I met a woman and when after some dates I confessed that I never had sex she said that I am too pure for the dirty stuff.

The next day after work I went the first time in my life to a porn shop. Just going through the door would make my thing swell to the extreme and after purchasing some real porn magazines my erection would last until I get home. Spending no time I would strip my clothes throw myself on the bed and masturbate looking at the genitials of Asian women. The first time the blast was so strong that I could come 7 times in a row.

Once the pictures lost their strong power I looked for better material to relief myself. Prostitutes were out of question because I still had the fear of catching any sort of disease. So I found in the porn shop rubber vaginas which could give me a vague idea how real sex might feel.

The relationship with my Asian date turned to be more promising though I had the unexplainable fear it would go wrong again. And one day the miracle (that is how it looked to me) happened. We met in a jazz club where we got drunk and I gave her a small present. She kissed me and I was in heaven. On the way out I was thinking about nothing else than having sex with her but has no idea how to drag her into it.

The affair ended when I received a letter from her saying that we can't continue. A little later she told me that she found a better man in the same dating club. I was heartbroken and my only relief was masturbating imagining her nude. I couldn't get to the point to give completely up on her.

She left America but despite the strange triangle constellation we kept contact. One year later she returned and asked me to stay in my apartement because her artist boy friend (an elder man) had no space for her.

Seeing a chance I accepted and somehow we got close enough to sleep once in a while in the same bed but without any intimacy. Each time I would have a never ending erection until she would eventually leave in the middle of the night. One night being together I couldn't hold myself back to touch her in her sleep. My hands wandered under her pajama to touch her breasts first and then I dared to go down to her crotch to slip my finger between her labia. She woke up stood up without saying a word and left.

A little later she made me jealous about her painter boyfriend my mood snapped we got into a fight and I kicked her out of my apartement. I was heartbroken against D it took me again 2 years to recover.

In those days I wanted really to know how real sex feels and one day on a Sunday morning I got drunk and called an escort service. It wasn't pleasant at all. The prostitute got businesslike naked and it was so unerotic that I couldn't even get an erection at the beginning. The lady put a condom on my penis started sucking it until it was hard enough and then she pushed my penis in her vagina riding on it. I lost my erection without an ehaculation so she started to rub me to finish her job. The moment the condom was filled with my sperm she got off put her clothes on and made on the phone a report to her boss of the mission completed.

This turned me off from using prostitutes for my sexual desires. I discovered something better on the Internet. Porn pictures everywhere. This was the start of watching porn every day mostly for getting one orgaam, but at times I would spend several hours on looking at pictures as videos were not really up so much. The rest I would manage with some porn DVDs on my computer.

Again two years later I met another Asian woman. We got close and it was romantic love. We hadn't sex but got naked together and touched our genitials for pleasure. And then I remember the day when she broke out in tears in front of me saying that she was engaged. But she had found out as well that I was watching porn and it became an issue. I would have quit maybe but she was really in love with me so our relationship continued in a torn back and forth way. The last time we were together she was ready to have sex with me. After the disastrous prostitute experience I was overwhelmed by the richness of erotic emotions though our first intercourse was only a minute due to my premature ejaculation. The same night we had two more times passion fulfilled sex and the next night another 4 times. But it was clear from the beginning that this was just the way to say bye bye forever.

Sober about any romantic relationships I met my wife at the age of 40 through a marriage dating agency. She was the fourth or fifth woman I met there.

I ll never forget the moment when I saw her the first time. We had arranged a meeting time in a hotel lobby and it was already 10 minutes past the set time. She ran up to me in a very funny way galloping almost like a giraffe. My first thought was oh my god what kind of woman am I meeting here?

I liked her but never fell in love For her it was the same. We somehow agreed that marriage
Is good for us to have children.

Before we got married we decided to live together. This was the first time in my life after long that I didn't have access to porn. However because we agreed to have no intercourse our sex life was limited to intense kissing and touching and at most petting.

The romantic time lasted only 3 weeks when my wife left the apartement we had rented. She wasn't sure any more if u would be her partner in life because some disagreements we had .
I had to rent my own apartement and was alone again. This was the first conscious time I had without porn. I stopped masturbating with the goal of ehaculation as well. I would however rub my penis for pleasure and getting close to the edge. My purpose was to have the first night with my wife as a feast of sexual sensations. And if not this way that my wife would make me easily ejaculate with any petting technique. My abstinence from porn lasted 1 month or so.

Then when I set up my own one man company I was completely back watching porn pulling down my pants to rub my erect penis eventually smoking cigarettes.

The path to the marriage contract was not without hurdles. Because we moved to her country in Asia things were not so easy. From the beginning she formed the image about me as someone who can't handle legal affairs.


Despite of having found someone finally my habit of masturbating while watching porn continued. Because I couldn't do it at home I did it at my working place where I was working only with one more male coworker.

My sex life with my new wife started parallel to it. We had sex something like every second or third day and it would have been the moment to quit porn. I couldn't. There was something about this habit which gave a different satisfaction and as I didn't disturb my sex life it continued.
Because I couldn't use rubber vaginas any more cigarettes became again an essential equipment.

From there the whole mess I created started.

 

It is amazing the different ways we were all sucked into these problems. We are in this together no matter how we got here. I hope this site and the people in it can help you with your battle.

 

The real problem is that having an orgasm is not an artificial drug. It is within our bodies and belongs to our natural body program to procreate. In the last days I was still watching porn but since 10 days now not masturbating. (Small success?) I started to 'brainwash' myself by looking at a porn clip and actually every time I would be siting there not even get an erection. Nothing. After 5 minutes I shut down the site telling myself repeatedly 'Porn is really boring'. 'Porn is really dumb.' 'Porn has no fantasy.'

I try to be realistic. I am expecting from this page no miracles. Talking to people of the same experience helps to clear the mind. For the moment I have the hope to dim down the obsession with porn, find new and better ways to pleasure my penis. I am not trying to have no masturbating orgasms for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks for your support. The real hope would be to crush legally the porn business. New laws in the US could fight Mafia business to a great extent and the same should be possible for the porn business.

Porn addiction in our society shows us how sick we are. All those men and women go to one of the drugs which is legally allowed to kill their pain and frustrations in daily life. The same is true for me. And somehow, aren't we telling us, at least we are no alcoholics?

 

Reverent, thanks for your kind words. You must be a reverent in your real life.

What I am trying to do here is to get a new definition of myself. I can't really say right now that I am doing great. And honestly, I don't think it is courageous to sit at the computer and write about one's bad habits. In reality I am replacing my porn addiction with spending my time on this site. It is only a shade better than before. No problems in real life are solved so far. If hadn't any family, I'd think more seriously about suicide. I can't do this to my two kids, though my wife would be better off without me.
If you would meet me, you wouldn't think to see some one with so dark thoughts. In general I love life and somehow love for life included love for porn because it makes me feel high for a short moment. I probably wouldn't mind watching porn if this were on a healthy level like once a month or so.
I just feel that imposing abstinence from the outside is no real solution because it can't control the inner natural urge. Masturbating is not unhealthy or harmful. At least if someone had sex with his partner every day, no one would say this is an addiction. Maybe just at the border of an addiction.
The real problem is rather that I was doing PMO in a place which is not supposed for any sexual activities and neglecting my work over it. I need to recalibrate my sexual lifestyle. I can't have as much sex with my wife as I'd like to have and this was partly the reason to get obsessed about it watching porn for relief. Just ignoring or suppressing sexual urges will lead to on-off schemes with no real balance.
Balance is the keyword for the solution and this is a highly individual thing. Just setting up a counter on this site taking every day as a success doesn't create any balance. My brain will literally f*** everything up.

 

Wouldn't it be infinitly better if you had the self discipline to control the inner urge? Your mind is in a fog; until you remove porn and mo you will never have clarity.

Ideologically I get how you say masturbation is natural and ok. But let's not confuse that just because something is natural it means it's healthy. The body creates toxins and cancer too.
Many of us rationalize what we think we need and depend on it as a crutch. This dependency keeps us in our old habits, and with our unsuccessful compulsions.

Let me ask, does your need for masturbation fuel your lust for porn or does your lust for porn cause you to masturbate? I believe you'll have to quit them both to see which is driving whom.

Right now I am in a state of peace with myself. Had some Glimpses into porn and shut it down within a minute thinking this is boring. Pictures of nudes have still some arousing effect. However I didn't masturbate for 12 days but try to learn tantric mental masturbation. And this is what I consider a healthy balanced level for getting the high moment of an ejaculation once in a while, since sex with my wife is at an almost zero level.

To answer your question it was always porn which would trigger my masturbation behavior not the other way round. However I have to confess that there were long and slow porn viewing sessions bringing me to unbelievable ecstatic high feelings.
After 2 or 3 fruitless attempts to shut down porn habits in one radical cut I think it is wiser for me to work in small increments strengthening habits and changing the mindset towards porn and masturbation. Until the end of the year I want to achieve a state of mind where porn becomes what it was long ago, a foreign world. But if we see masturbation as a complete failure this will easily open the old cycle.

The experience of porn consumption taught me a lesson and I am building little by little regrets over the lost time. Average I spent probably 2 hours daily with it and this makes roughly 15000 hours of lost time in the past 20 years.

I noticed that when there is no porn available during vacations I don't miss anything. The environment seems to play a big role in my behavior patterns.

I am someone who believes in the strength of human creativity. Creativity brings us into unknown new worlds. To overcome porn addiction is taking the positive minded adventure into a new unknown world. For me incorporating healthy balanced and not compulsive masturbation must be a part of it. But I might end up as well like another member on this site who found out that he doesn't need masturbations at all.

I won't try to make a fixed prognosis. Important are improvements which can give me peace of mind and relaxation.

I don't know if this therapy concept exists somewhere.