This is me, Hello everyone

I am dakielster, and I'm joining your community because I have a problem. Nothing about my story is unique as I'm sure that all of you can relate to anything anyone else has to say within this community.

I am afraid I have built a dependancy on pornogaphy and masturbation because it brings instant relief from the incredibly uncomfortable feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, apprehension and boredom by way of intense and immediate release and quick rush of sexual stimulation and novelty through all of what I'm consuming. It has always felt exciting, novel and reliable.

I've always known what I was doing was unacceptable but I have normalized and have desensitized the whole process of urge, hide and do the deed. My fascination with porn, females and sex in general came a long time ago when I was very young, at least before I was 9. I am 16 now, and have realized a while ago that this is unhealthy and detrimental to me and my development as a full, happy person.

A few months ago, I gave up watching porn completely but I slipped yesterday afternoon. I almost made 7 weeks without consuming porn at all until I used erotic audio only as a masterbation tool and I reasoned it was ok but of course it wasn't and it progressed until I started seeing a couple images and then I straight up masterbated to a video after what must have been 12 weeks cold turkey. This will be my second attempt.

I hate the thought that I support all the terrible things I hate to see in the news concerning the sexual exploitation of people. As we all consume porn in all its forms so casually, we are creating a very high and toxic demand for the sexual exploitation and objectification of other people, women, children you name it. There is nothing that this toxic industry will not exploit in the name of you pornographic needs and money. What we watch in the comfort of our smartphones translates into the physical manifestation somewhere else. Child sex rings, human trafficking, torture and sodomizing of women or anyone else, kidnappings, rape culture - we create a demand for it. I feel my mind and spirit have become fucked up from all the absolutely toxic things I have consumed with such vigor and for so long. Somewhere, a little girl has lost her life to sexual exploitation because of me and I would rather die then do that to someone again.

This holiday, my family has decided to donate to World Vision for sexually exploited children but I feel as though it will never be enough to feel better about what I've done. I want to forgive myself.

I am experiencing a very heavy shame, a shame I guess I've always have been familiar with and you all know what it feels like. It's a feeling of never being good enough or love for yourself. We were all using our addictions to fill a need and that need was to self medicate from facing a deep insecurity and emotional wound. This is the one thing mankind all shares, fear of our feelings and the need to defeat them.
Even though I'm only a teenager, I do feel like I've matured enough to embrace and honour my feelings and this has really improved my life since this past summer.

I am also feeling a sense of pride as though I'm am courageous in finally admitting to where I am and taking full responsibility while also taking action and making a commitment for a better way of being. Watching videos and stories of people like you and me experience their successes, their struggles, highs, lows and joys makes me feel like I am not alone, like I can do this. I feel inspired, motivated and more brave.

I am doing this for me, to be emotionally and mentally healthier and happy in hopes the positive traits I create along my journey with you all will translate to every part of my being and life. For my dreams, my goals, my future and my body. I want to be healthy, I want to be fit and strong. I want to express myself. I want to live the real me everyday of my life.
For the people around me, for my girlfriend. I want to love you with all my heart, so real, so genuine so free.
For the people of this world, especially women and girls, that I may never contribute to the cultures that will hurt you. That I may find forgiveness for myself and the things I have done. To find compassion for my feelings and thoughts and why I became so dependent in the first place. That I may not demonize my feelings and all of me that has caused pain and suffering to others.

To you and everyone in this community, that we may support each other wholly be each other's inspiration, motivation and shining light of hope.

I am incredibly grateful for all people who allowed this opportunity for growth and inspiration. Thank you NoFap!!!!



dakielster

 

Thanks a lot guys. You know seeing direct support through replies is really encouraging and builds my faith in this whole thing. I know feelings of shame are very dangerous and it's a good reminder that it is also unhealthy, but it seems like sometimes that's the only way to keep myself in check

Think of it like this, I used to never feel good enough and I find the only way to achieve the feelings of significance is to feed my insecurity so I always have to be working hard to prove I am. It's as though people will only think I'm good enough, take me seriously and can be successful if I really kill myself over work and punish myself if I don't do it.

"I have to do this, then that, like this, like that by then so I will achieve x"

Terrible mentality to be in, but I'll have to figure something else out.

And I'll be sure to check out those links tomorrow, thanks guys!