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Confession and to what extent.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by cH33SE, Oct 15, 2018.

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  1. Oct 15, 2018 #1
    cH33SE

    cH33SE Fapstronaut

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    I want to know if I should confess every little detail of what PMO has had me do to get a high.

    Background
    We have been together for 8 years and engaged for almost 2 years with our wedding set for 7th of December 2018. It was 50days ago that our first DDAY occurred, since then I have dedicated myself to a full recovery having known that PMO might be my addiction for the last year or 2, I joined NoFap and started reading everything I could find on the topic. I now know the chemistry of my brain that led to this addiction and that I used P to suppress a bad childhood. I also know that I have caused my SO immense pain through betrayal trauma and read more on the betrayal trauma topics so that I can be in the best position possible to help her if she had any questions on any part of my/her recovery.

    Question/confession
    I have confessed that to my PMO addiction, but we have not spoken about the details. To what extend should I confess or should I wait on her to ask specific questions?

    There are a few things that I am not proud of that I have done to increase the novelty for a better high, I would almost prefer to share this privately with someone on here to find out if it is as bad as I think it is and if I should share this with my SO.

    Fear
    I fear that exploring these details would destroy any chance of our relationship going forward and feel that it is the past me, that I am now working on a better version of me that no longer partakes in these actions or this habit.

    I'm still fairly new to the forum and would appreciate any feedback from SO's and their thoughts, my first priority will always be my SO.
     
    cH33SE, Oct 15, 2018
    cH33SE, Oct 15, 2018
    #1
    Intrigued Curious likes this.
  2. Oct 15, 2018 #2
    fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

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    I don't think you have anything to gain from telling her all the gory details of your problem. She knows that you have an issue and that you are committed to change. Concentrate on moving forward.
     
    fredisthebes, Oct 15, 2018
    fredisthebes, Oct 15, 2018
    #2
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Oct 15, 2018 #3
    Intrigued Curious

    Intrigued Curious Fapstronaut

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    Keep it up man !
     
    Intrigued Curious, Oct 15, 2018
    Intrigued Curious, Oct 15, 2018
    #3
  4. Oct 15, 2018 #4
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    You likely know each other better than anyone, except for the part that was hidden from her before 50 days ago.
    Everyone is different but likely with this much time going by she likes to see your growth and progress more than anything, seeing the changes in you, returning to who you used to be. If she wants more detail she would have asked or will ask if she wants to know, as far as detail goes.
    Details aside, make sure you have told her about everything, to have to discover more would be opening the wound again.
     
    Deleted Account, Oct 15, 2018
    Deleted Account, Oct 15, 2018
    #4
  5. Oct 15, 2018 #5
    TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

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    I think it's great that you are asking this. As a SO, my opinion is that it depends on what it is and how it makes you feel as well. Is this something that is going to cause guilt and shame in you without it being out in the open? If so, that can get in the way of your recovery. Is it something that she as a SO should know, another level of infidelity (like it being webcams too but you only told her about P or seeking personal ads even if just looking)? Or is it just part of a detail of something she already knows (like what type of P you watched) and telling her would only hurt her more? Also, is she asking you questions about it, does she probe for more info or is she content with what she knows and doesn't want you to share more? There are some SOs that want to know every detail for their safety and some that prefer not to.
     
    TryingToHeal, Oct 15, 2018
    TryingToHeal, Oct 15, 2018
    #5
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  6. Oct 15, 2018 #6
    Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

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    Is she asking for more details?

    I give an analogy of paying her in full. She has every right to the full dollar's worth. You can not hold any back, she is entitled to payment in full. However, paying her in pennies is cumbersome and not so helpful for her sake. Having every little nitty gritty detail is one more coin she must eventually unload in her own healing.

    Be thorough, give a full payment, some in dimes, some in quarters, where you can. She should feel like you held nothing back, and so should you.

    I'd recommend you admit a few things for sure.
    * Any activity that was illeagle
    * The height of your use, so she knows how bad it got.
    * Duration and escalation.
    * If any other girl was physically involved.
    * Where/how you get and hide your porn. Reveal all your stashes and sources even if they are now deleted or cut off. This will protect you both.

    Best of luck.
    Hit me up, I've been in recovery now for 415 days, and am constantly working on my relationship. I'd be glad to listen.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2018
    Reverent, Oct 15, 2018
    Reverent, Oct 15, 2018
    #6
  7. Oct 16, 2018 #7
    cH33SE

    cH33SE Fapstronaut

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    It is behavior that escalated due to P use, it did not involve any other person only their things. She does ask questions but not about the details only about how my recovery is going and if I found addressed any new triggers. If she did ever ask for the details I would 100% share them with her as I want true vulnerability within our relationship, but if I drop this on her out of the blue I feel it would do more damage than good. If she asked I would know that she is prepared to hear the worst of it and not get caught off guard.

    *It wasn't any illegal activity
    *we did discuss the height and intensity but this was mostly aimed at P use and M.
    *Duration and escalation, we discussed the duration and possible causes from my childhood that would have led me to porn use, what I do want to disclose could be seen as escalation of the porn use.
    *No other girl was involved, not physical or virtual.
    *I never stored porn, I only used the internet and incognito mode.

    I appreciate your input and want to do the best by my SO to ensure we have a great future together. I'm in two minds about sharing these small details. On the one hand I want to share everything but as I mentioned there is a very good chance that this could end it, she is very sensitive to this whole PMO addiction as it hits very close to her own life story and what she had to go through as a child.

    Would you say it is better to share it now, or to wait until we are in a stronger position to face this?
     
    cH33SE, Oct 16, 2018
    cH33SE, Oct 16, 2018
    #7
  8. Oct 16, 2018 #8
    Pinetree

    Pinetree Fapstronaut

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    Why and for what reason would you get into details ?
     
    Pinetree, Oct 16, 2018
    Pinetree, Oct 16, 2018
    #8

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