Hey guys, I'm a 36 year old male in a 10 year relationship. I have spent the last 8 years in the Navy where 4 of those years I was away on long deployments. Due to the stress of military life, long periods away and isolation from love ones I turned to porn to release dopamine to make myself feel good. Porn wasn't new to me though as growing up I had a fear of getting an STI or AIDS and found myself enjoying porn more than real sex. I still liked real sex though...Less risk of disease and more reward for me. In my 20s it didn't stop me from meeting a hooking up with women. The porn problems didn't really start to effect me until about 4 years ago where I stopped feeling attracted to my partner sexually. In 2015 I decided that telling my partner I wanted to marry her after 6 years of dating would solve my problems. This only made it worse. My partner is a strong woman and is very controlling, I would say bi-polar at times. I should have left her years ago after seeing her evil side when she didn't get her way one time. But I let it go and continued the relationship due to her good qualities...Im not perfect so why should she be...anyways since proposing to my now fiancee I can't stop thinking about: a) I have had better sex with other women b) I find taller skinner women more attractive c) porn allows me to satisfy my desire to all types of women This year has been a terrible year for my relationship. I haven't had sex with my fiancee in over 12 months and the last 2 attempts I couldn't maintain an erection. I found myself not attracted to my fiancee after spending a lot of time masterbating to pornography in private. Sometimes I would even do it when my fiancee was sleeping. To add fuel to the fire I left the Navy in January and haven't been able to find a full time job all year. I started freelance web developing from home which meant more time in front of the computer. Things were going ok for a couple of months but then I started struggling to bring in enough money to pay the bills. Add the 50 job rejections, cold winter weather and lack of vitamins and before too long I suck into deep anxiety and depression. I started increasing my porn consumption to make myself feel better but it started having the opposite effect. Then one day my fiancee comes home and starts personally attacking me to staying at home, not being able to get a job and being a loser. She says she doesn't want to marry me and teases me about not being able to maintain an erection. So what do I do, I start watching gay porn and start hating on women. This excites me as men seem to know what men want but this only makes me feel more confused, lost and alone to the point where I start going to see a psychologist. After a few really low points I finally got a job interview in October for a 4 week unpaid internship for an IT company working as Desktop Support Technician. All of a sudden I have purpose again. After 3 weeks they offer me a 3 month paid contract starting December 3rd. I feel totally beaten this year. My self esteem is at it's lowest point it has ever been. I quit a $70K salary to work from home for $16k then inherit a porn addiction and have mental health, anxiety and depression issues most of the year. Transitioning back into civilian life has been difficult and I have had many negative thoughts. My treatment has been Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and thought teachings from Eekhart Tolle is helping but I find myself still unable to stop watching porn. Last night my fiancee slept in the spare room (happens a lot) and I used this opportunity to watch porn and satisfy my craving to feel good. Then I feel demotivated and crap again the next day. I used to be a healthy 70 kg but now Im 65kg and hardly ever exercise. I'm skinny, losing my hair and constantly overthinking my future and where I want to be in 5/10/15 years. I don't know if I love my fiancee and we have a dog which makes it harder to leave. Long story short, I think I need to quit porn first. This might make me more motivated to go to the gym and build up my strength now that I have 3 months of income coming in.
Good luck to you and congratulations on the big steps to start! Scary to hear the physical manifestation of your feelings, but glad you are fortunate to have the resource of professional help. Now you can add this community to the list of resources too.
