Sex Addict - Relapse & Chaser

Hi everyone,

On my third attempt at a 90 day no-PMO challenge, I had finally reached day 12 and was feeling real proud of myself. That day I got home from work and felt tired so I laid on my bed and eventually dozed off. After about thirty minutes I woke up and realized I should "formally" fall asleep, so I cleared the bed, turned off the lights and got to it, except, I couldn't fall asleep. After a few minutes, my bored mind began its process of convincing me I should MO. I immediately went on my computer to this page and began reading through several posts.

Eventually, I was fully convinced to MO, without looking at P, mainly because the pain in my testicles was at an all time high, and I figured it would help me sleep early. I was fully conscious during the whole process and figured that while I had relapsed, I was still heading a few steps in the right direction (going from PMO'ing every day to once a week). I didn't feel too bad the next day.

That night, my friends and I got together at my house to have a few drinks and hang out. After a few rum & cokes, my addict mind began its tormenting process. This is a tendency I've encountered several times before, in which I become somebody completely different. This other person only has one thing on it's mind, and it's having no-strings-attached sex. My first option is usually a prostitute. I couldn't believe that after my longest streak I was back to that same mentality as before. I began thinking about when my friends would leave so I could hit the streets. It was getting late and I considered ditching my friends (in my own house) and going for it. While I was getting dressed I realized this was too extreme, so I stayed with them until the last one left. Shortly after I went out and was able to have sex with a prostitute for $20. Immediately after I O'ed, I came back to my senses. Needless to say, that became a pretty tough night mentally.

The next morning I was texting with a friend (girl) who I've fooled around with in the past and realized how strong this chaser effect was, because I was fully on track to become the same person I was. After getting some much needed sleep, I finally (with lots of willpower) got back on the NoFap train (now on day 2). All this because of one MO.

I know everyone's experience is very different, but I wanted to share this with others nevertheless, to emphasize the effects of a relapse and it's chaser. I'm formally quitting hard liquor as I am aware of the monster I become when on it.

My goal now is to make it to 21 days without PMO. It's not too ambitious, but I really just want to focus on getting over the initial hump of severe withdrawal symptoms, which I've read begin to simmer down after that point. I'm aware it will be a constant struggle to continue after that, but I just want to see some light at the end of the tunnel because I can deal with my mind, but it's a lot harder to deal with the pain in my testicles.

Thank you all for your time.

 

Thanks Fapstronaut, that is a pretty deep thought

I'm getting back on the exercise train. I broke my arm around 2 months ago and got my cast removed 12 days ago so I'm taking it little by little. Surfing has become my favorite thing to do, so I'm anxiously awaiting the moment I can get back out in the water.

I've grown to love cold showers. They make me feel so alive. I follow these with 15-20 mins of meditation which is the ideal way to start my day.

I'm happy to say I am back to day 3, on my way to 21 and haven't relapsed since my original post. I'm feeling pretty lonely these days. Probably a side effect of having broken up with my girlfriend recently. I'm really focused on winning this PMO battle though, as well as becoming better in general (more exercise, healthier eating, staying in the present, helping others).

I realize now I had molded a great part of my life around my relationship. Now that I don't have it I feel a bit lost, trying to find my identity. Maybe what I need is to loose my identity. Everything I was before, burn it down and rise from the ashes like a phoenix bird. That is the best way to look at it. I feel lost right now because I am in the middle of an inner revolution. I have never been more aware or conscious as I am now, and that is a signal that now is the time to change and evolve. Everything happens for a reason and I know that someday I will look back and remember these days.

 

Totally agree fapstronaut. Progress is coming along. I started swimming since yesterday at a pool nearby work and it feels amazing. In these last 2 days of swimming I feel my mobility has increased by like 10%.

Day 5 is now coming to a close. What's interesting is that I have not experienced any severe pain in the testicles, only very minor. On previous attempts, I would get the pain starting day 4. With my meditation practice I feel I now have a bit more control over my thoughts and intentions. This allows me to stay grounded when urges come along and I can somehow accept and let them go. Before I would play along with these feelings in my head, giving energy to those thoughts which would flow downwards and accumulate in my testicles. I had never seen it this way, but now that I do, I feel more confident I can make greater progress.

Once again, thank you for your words and time.

 

Now on Day 10.

It was a lot easier during the week because I was swamped with work and went swimming right after. I've noticed my energy reservoir is huge. I have to make an effort to calm down on night so I can fall asleep early.

Last night I went to see a live band playing. There were a lot of attractive girls and I had no difficulty talking to them (I was already friends with some of them). I had several beers and hung out with a girl I am attracted to and other friends all night until the sun came up. I must admit that I experienced pain in my testicles a lot that night. I had a lot of cravings, not for P or M, but for O with that girl. Since I was drinking beers I had to pee a lot, and the pain in my testicles was high when my bladder was full. Each time I urinated I would feel like I still had urine in my bladder but wasn't able to get it out.

The thought I've had in my head these past few days is that the pain in my testicles is a sort of 'punishment' for not staying in the present moment. The only reason I get pain is because I am fantasizing in my mind. Those thoughts generate energy, and that energy immediately gets transferred to my testicles where it accumulates. Because I've been so used to expelling this energy through MO in the past, my body is not used to having so much of that energy accumulated, hence the pain. On days 1-7 it was definitely easier to give up my cravings, but after being out in a social environment with attractive women around, my sex addict mind gets all sorts of ideas which I have to battle. What is interesting is that while having blue balls (pain in my testicles), if I became fully focused on the live music and danced, after a few minutes the pain would go away. This helps me understand the importance of being in the moment. If I am fantasizing about what could happen with x or y girl later on that night, I am not in the present moment, and I am reminded of that from the pain in my testicles.

On Day 10, it is getting hard, but I'm hanging in there and learning as much as I can from the experience. This coming week I should get a book I ordered called, "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame". I'm hoping to obtain further insights from that text. It is important to constantly remind yourself of your goal. Mine is to stay in the present moment and learn to be with myself in peace.

Thank you

 

Totally agree Fapstronaut, and thanks for reading!

It would be really cool to have an accountability partner over here, except my father became my 'sponsor' on this journey a few days ago. I'm nevertheless more than happy to continue exchanging ideas and insights.

I'll be entering yoga teacher training this Sunday and I'm looking forward to it. I agree with your ideas on transferring energy through your body. I'm hoping to learn a lot more about that during these next two weeks. Now closing day 15 and going strong.

I do feel a lot of the benefits that come with abstaining from PMO. I'm barely at day 15 and I already feel my attitude towards women is changing. I have massive amounts of energy, work has been crazy but I'm able to perform with a grounded attitude and I've been exercising right after.

A new girl was hired at my job and she's really cute. Management asked that I train her, and I must say it has been a very positive experience. Although she is really pretty and I feel attraction to her, something deep inside me has a lot of respect for her and I treat her accordingly. I feel she is teaching me about viewing the world with different eyes other than my addict eyes. I've been learning a lot from the experience of abstaining as well and it has been very positive.

 

Awesome fapstronaut, really appreciate your comments.

I started doing yoga about 3 years ago, but was more inclined towards meditation. I ended up going to classes in several studios from my hometown because I had changed jobs, and really enjoyed it. I went through several months where I left it, and also stopped meditating. The difference in my attitude, mood, will, confidence was vast.

Now that I began teacher training, it's all coming back to me. That feeling right after a session, where you feel union with everything. It's crazy, today I walked out after the morning class and watched the cars on the road, people walking through the streets, and I just felt connected. You realize everything is just happening and you are just a tiny part of it. I usually become really quiet for some time just taking it all in.

This is the first time I am working on my sex addiction while doing yoga. It's very interesting to see how yoga works on the addict mind. Everything I've been reading on addiction lately, understanding this condition, relates to the stuff you learn and experience doing yoga. Becoming aware of your thoughts, dialoguing with your addict sub-personality, getting to the root of your being where transformation is achievable. It's been a great experience so far and I'm looking forward to the rest of the days.

My urges are definitely still around. Today, I wasn't even thinking about women and the pain in my testicles came back for no reason. Luckily, I was able to take my mind off it doing homework for the program. There is a big gap in my mind though, that I haven't been able to fill with anything I've read so far. I can recognize compulsive sexual thoughts running through my head. I can recognize when I'm objectifying women. What I have trouble distinguishing is what real love is.

I feel like I encounter beautiful, charming and overall great women on a weekly basis. These women I don't objectify or have compulsive thoughts with. I develop a sort of 'crush' on these girls because of x or y reasons. The problem is, when I am no longer with one, and am interacting with another one of these girls, my crush transfers over to the new one. It's weird, I can have 2 different crushes in one same day if the opportunity arises. I don't hit on these girls either, for that same reason. I feel like I could perhaps develop a relationship with one of them, but then I'll behave the same way. Having a girlfriend and also several 'crushes' in different social circles.

Now that I read back, it looks like a compulsive thing. It may be certain triggers that cause it. For example, there was a girl in the yoga training that stood up to go to the bathroom. I unintentionally looked that way and by looking at the way she walked, Boom! instant crush. It might also be the way one of them smiles or fixes her hair. It's these gestures that captivate me. I end up fantasizing not about sexual things, but on what it might be like to be with her, as her boyfriend. Sometimes these fantasies may cross over into sexual, but I can keep that to a minimum. I still feel there's something wrong with it. It cant be that men are just 'like that'.

Maybe, in some way it is normal. My dad says there is nothing wrong with feeling attracted to a girl, which makes total sense. I guess maybe men have these 'crush' type feelings with several girls and only when a clear opportunity arises, do they decide on one and then commit. I just wish I could see attractive girls as more than relationship opportunities. Especially because I'm sure that in 75% of the cases, they don't feel that way about you. I'll have to put more thought into this, to see if it's related to any underlying issues from my past.

 

It's great to feel identified with others, and I appreciate you reading through my posts on this thread

Adding yoga to your life should be something natural, so don't stress too much on trying to make it happen. When the opportunity arises, you will take it. If you are already meditating, that's a huge step, and it really worked for me to meditate before entering the physical practice of yoga. You might even come in understanding a few key things that others who've been practicing longer haven't. Meditation for me, is the most helpful tool we have to save ourselves from ourselves.

I totally feel you on the girlfriend comments. When I was in a relationship I also felt that. Even though I would see and interact with girls I was attracted to, I would feel I already had everything I needed. As men, we are simply bombarded with imagery, and girls themselves everywhere. At the end of the day everybody picks their battles. As crazy as it might seem, sometimes you just need to talk to yourself (mentally) and try to get at that voice that is telling you to fantasize, or act compulsively. You can try this during your next meditation. After you have been focusing your attention on your breath for a few minutes and can begin to observe your thoughts as they come up without any sort of attachment to any of them (this is always the hard part, but don't loose hope! Even advanced practitioners get caught up in a thought or two during their sessions), try dialoguing with yourself. Give your addiction a nickname. Mine is Skippy, because he always wants to skip to the future instead of staying in the present. Begin the conversation, something like "Hey (addiction name), Why are you here?".

After that, it might sound crazy, but the answer to that question will come to your mind (it will be you talking to yourself in your head, but it really helps to dig in using this technique), then you can actually have a dialogue and discuss it's presence. Try taking the conversation to a point in which you both agree what is best for you and what you are 'both' willing to work on. After that, you might feel you become more conscious of your urges and fantasies, but when they come up, you'll be able to consciously remind yourself of the conversation.

It's almost like the addict is saying, "here man, take this urge, it passed my barrier because I am weak, so I give it to you who are strong and will know how to let it go". If you believe you are greater than your urges, you will be! It's very cliché, but true. Anyways, just passing along some tips I've been learning along the way.

Thank you!