14y/o I need help

For someone your age and what you're describing, therapy is the best course of action.
I know you don't wanna hear me say this, but this is the truth - you need to get help. Especially if you're afraid you might have been sexually abused. Watching porn for pleasure since the age of 3 is definitely not normal.

You've got no need to be ashamed of anything. No one is going to judge you, especially not a a certified therapist.
You're still very young, you're not a full-grown adult who made some poor life choices. You were possibly abused and you had access to porn at the age of 3. If anything, it sounds to me like you were allowed to do so and if there was some form of abuse(sounds to me like there deifnitely was)that same person who abused you probably got you into watching it in the first place or possibly watched it with you. Tell your parents that, please, let them know!

The problem is not with you, for something like that to happen, there most have been another party involved that hurt you really bad.
Also, depression and suicidal thoughts are not something NoFap is going to solve you nor something its community alone can help you solve.
We're here for support, but you need the help of a professional therapist. There's absolutely no shame in that. I've told some super embarrassing stuff to my therapist and trust me when I tell you - that helped me. Getting those thoughts off my chest and have someone listen to me and advise me did make me feel better.

We're here for you, we're here to support you. My first advice - seek professional therapy and don't be ashamed of your problems, they do not represent who you really are. They're just a by-product of a fucked up childhood. And luckily for you, at your age they're much easier to treat and solve rather than in fully developed adults.

 

I have heard it said that any memories people claim to have before three years of age are unreliable at best and false at worst. So why would you suspect you were abused sexually as a baby/toddler? How can you be so precise about your porn memories and the motives you had to watch them?

You won't beat this alone, but we are ready, willing and able to help.

 

That could mean someone else was there, with him. Maybe there was indeed some form of abuse. Have you heard about the case of Beth Thomas? She explicitly remembered her father abusing her since she was a toddler. It was all true, it made her become very violent and hateful.
He could have been through something similar but possibly less traumatic than full on physical abuse.
That being said, if he indeed has depression and suicidal thoughts, that's another thing that could potentially indicate on abuse. Regardless, he still needs therapy for these non-PMO related problems alone.

 

What could mean someone else was there with him?

 

I sorry to read that. You obviously need some help. I'm not sure this forum is enough in your case. Of course you're welcome here and it could help you but it's true you need some kind of therapy to get better. First of all, bear in mind that the fact you decided to quit PMO is already a great thing. It will certainly take some time and be difficult but you are on the right path ! Please, whatever happen, do not give up !

 

Brain-fart. I have no clue why I wrote "that could mean". Maybe* someone was there with him that exposed him to pornographic content at that age and he vaguley remembers the experience.

 

Of course it is possible. But my post was about the reliability of his memory. Also, why his absence of memory as a baby would be significant. Personally, I remember nothing as a baby.

 

I agree with the last part. That's correct. But - he won't just come up with fabricated/imaginary memories of himself masturbating while watching porn at the age of 3 and then struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts later on in his life. Depression is many times, if not most times the result of abuse.
Assuming that he suffers from actual depression and suicidal thoughts. Since nowadays, many people, especially teens seems to think that every sad phase they go through and whenever they feel down it's labeled as "depression" without really knowing what depression really is.
But in his case, I think that might be actual depression and I'm not going to make assumptions that it isn't because I definitely don't want to kick him when he's already down.

 

Wow you seem to have it worse than most people I read on this website.

But there is still hope for you yet. It won't be easy but you just need to take it one step at a time. Find what keeps you away from masturbation and what causes you to crave porn. Avoid the bad stuff and go towards the good stuff.

And don't let a relapse discourage you. Just brush it off and keep moving forward.

 

Hey bro I’m not sure at 14 you could afford a therapist unless there’s a free one somewhere but if you ever need money to see one please send me a message. I’ll get you the best therapist available.

 

Allowing a 3 year old to watch porn is sexual abuse. How does that happen?

 

im so sorry this has happend to you i think what the other guys have said is important you need to seek help and talk to somone because whats happend has put you in this situation and shaped you but its not to late you can beat this you have to be strong, a similar thing happend to me at the age of 7 i was exposed to porn and it ruined my life im 29 and still trying to beat it i have good days and bad days good weeks bad weeks and so on, seek help you are braver than you think and you can start the road to getting better god bless you

 

May good be with you.

 

You're a special case since your brain was so young when you first started watching P. You need professional help 100% Maybe see your school psychologist