I keep and keep and keep relapsing...

Hey guys. Sometimes, I feel so angry at myself, frustrated, and sometimes I'm even on the verge of tears when I think about relapsing. But, not right now.
In the middle of September, I started my NoFap journey. I needed to fail two times before starting to really get serious about it. But, after 46 days, which is my longest streak, I failed. That was around the end of the October. From then, It all went downhills. I keept masturbating every second day(without visual porn, but I was reading some f**ked up stories) and it was like that for around week and a half. After that, I installed an app where I was chatting with my sex buddy and traded with him... I felt like I needed to stop. So I tried. The streak went for eight days. Then, I again relapsed and after I orgasmed, i had my worst reaction since the beggining of my NoFap journey- I was screaming how stupid I am, I started crying and felt very bad about myself in general. I told to myself how I am going to change, how I am going to be better and strive for my goal. Then, after three days from that promise... I broke it. And that time, I've finally gave in and watched porn... That happend yesterday.

When I look back at streak of 46 days, I am happy with how it went on. I was more happy with myself than ever before. Honestly, I don't know why I started doing it. As time was passing, I decided that I wanted to experience normal human reactions like morning erections and wet dreams(which I never did before). Then, around day 40, I saw that my beard started growing(I'm 18 years old and I do not really have that much hair on my face except mustache and sideburns). It was around that time that I failed.
I decided that I will do NoFap because I want to be able to grow a beard. But, with all those resets in this one month... It seems like it's not a strong enough motivation. I do not think that I've changed my behaviour while I was on that long streak compared to now. Seems like the only change is that I was able to better control myself then.

Still, I do not know what to do. I feel like I'm a loser for not being able to do this and make a positive change for myself and I'm accepting that I am one big, big idiot.
Sorry for writing a long post. If you read it and have some advice, please write it... Thank you...

 

Thank you very much. Of course it helps. I am so glad you got 8 days in- it's me who should be saying to you to stay strong. Hopefully, you will reach your goals!

 

Hello Kamakiri, thank you for your response. It happend only once while I was going "straight to the bottom". When I think about it, it could be the cause. As much as I remember, my first masturbation after I failed that 46 days streak was while chatting with my sex buddy. So, there is a possibility that it is the source of my failure. Thankfully, I'm not using that app quite often, almost never, in fact.
By trading i meant sending naked pics to one another. And, about your question about changing myself.... I honestly wish I know that too...

 

After failing again after almost two days of NoFap, I decided it was time to delete my secret emails which I used to make all of the porn accounts and apps. So, after more than a year and a half, I'm getting rid of four useless rows in my sticky notes(three emails and one password). Gah, I hope that this will make it harder for me to fail into the trap of porn again

 

Thanks for your tips. The problem is, the moment I decide to watch porn, I will do it no matter the way. That moment I start searching for porn, I'll somehow finish on some site so instead of wasting aditional time for pointless searching and trying to get trough "holes" in those porn blockers, I'd rather PMO and then move on.
I was using K9 so that when I want to watch porn, I will have one more chance to rethink what am I doing, but every time I just said "who the f**k cares" and continue my searching so I deleted it.
My longest streak of 46 days was without any porn blockers so I am pretty sure that I will do it once more without them.

 

Thanks! Good luck in your journey!

 

Thank you. I keep trying again even though I fail. That's why, today is my highest streak in month and a half! Also, congratulations on your 30 days streak and good luck on making it even larger!

EDIT: Wait... you are fourteen??? Damn! That's even larger success then!