I'm here yet again

Sometime this year, I met this terrific girl. She was funny, charming, beautiful and wonderful. We started dating. I immediately started focusing on any tiny flaw in her physical appearance. I was regularly watching porn. I have been addicted to porn for years & years now.She didn't live up to the standards of the porn stars I was watching. All she did was love me. But I kept pushing and pushing her away. Her family admonished her for seeing me. She stood up for me. But I still pushed her away, because I thought she was not good enough for me because in my fantasy, the women looked picture perfect. I guess the technical term for me is called "Douche bag".

My addiction was so bad, that on certain days, I cruelly made it obvious that I didn't like her. I can only assume her pain. I regularly felt she wasn't good enough for me, in terms of her appearance. Yes, I was regularly watching porn still and I hid it all from her. One day, I told her I wanted to break up, because I felt she didn’t live up to the standards of the women on screen. But she convinced me to stay & we stayed together. But she was never convinced that I loved her at all. I still concentrated on her physical appearance and looked for any tiny bit of flaw. Heck, I would be lucky to have any girl date me. But instead, here I was judging a woman on her physical appearance based on my fantasy. There should be a special place in Hell for me.

Then 2 weeks ago, I tried to end things with her, yet again. Yes, you guessed the reason. She must be an angel. She persisted with me. she tried to make things work again, while all I did was judge her. Oh what a loser I am. we agreed to continue. But she knew, I was just another 'event' away from breaking up. I was still regularly watching porn. I couldn't help it. It became an addiction. No, it has been an addiction that I have covered up pretty well and lived with for years and years. I have turned down multiple women because reality didn't match up to my fantasy. I, without any reservations apologize for making any of you feel less than worthy. It is I who is flawed. I can't thank you enough for loving me, or even trying to love me. I am sorry. Profoundly sorry.

On Christmas Day, yes, I broke up with her again. This time, she walked away, sick and tired of me, rightly so. Yes, I had watched porn the previous day. It kills me now that my addiction has taken her away from me and rightly so. She deserves better. Someone who will love her for who she is . Not someone who is constantly judging her based on any tiny flaw. I have lost her and it is crushing my very existence. Mostly because I made her feel inadequate . because I made her feel she wasn't worthy of my love. I feel nothing but pain and I deserve it. But it doesn't compare to the pain I put her through. I unreservedly apologize and I wish and pray with every cell in my body that she finds love & happiness with someone who appreciates how wonderful and awesome she is.

I can't hide behind my mask anymore. I am terribly sorry to everyone I hurt. I need to fix myself. What can I do?

 

It is very difficult. I have been wired this way to use porn to get over the pain that I am feeling now. But I'm not going to give in this time. 2 days now. I hope I can hold out much longer. I'll find the Pluckeye extension. Not sure what it is. But I'll look it up.