One Chance Too Late?

I am a new member, but I have visited the site many times during failed attempts at a reboot. My porn addiction has grown since I was a teenager, I am now 27 going on 28. At first it was a pretty standard fascination with porn and the female body, but over time it was become an addiction that has affected my life and marriage.

My main problems are PIED and DE, which I have dealt with since I became sexually active with my girlfriend (now wife). We have been married for about a year and a half but together for almost 8 years. Naturally these issues have caused hurt feelings and a dysfunction in my marriage. It is even a contributing factor in my wife's own mental health struggles. She is suffering from severe clinical depression and has started taking medication for it. We have had many conversations about our issues and the dysfunction in our marriage. Each time I try to change but I fail, leading to a vicious cycle of shame, dysfunction, and pain.

Each time I try a reboot or attempt to change I experience little to no sucess. My longest reboot lasted about a month and culminated in what I believe to have been the best sex I have ever had with my wife on our first anniversary. I was able to keep a strong erection (with the help of medication) but I wasn't able to achieve orgasm during PIV. Since then I have fallen off the wagon and struggled to get back.

I think my biggest problem is I never admitted to anyone (including myself) the truth about how big of an issue my porn addiction is, that is until last night. During a discussion about our marital issues I told my wife the truth, that I have an addiction to porn, that I have tried to reboot but failed countless amounts of time, that I although I have been going to see a therapist for about 10 months now I couldn't bring myself to be truthful during my sessions, and that I don't think I have been trying my best to change.

All of this leads me to where I am now, my wife is extremely angry, feeling completely betrayed and disrespected that I lied to her even when I am one that encouraged her to get help for her mental health issues and go on medication. The guilt and shame I feel is overwhelming, but I can't help but feel I still haven't hit rock bottom. As I write this I do not expect my wife to ever forgive me or give me another chance, I don't think I would if I were in her shoes. I feel determined to change and take steps that I did not take before. But I fully understand that I may succeed on my reboot and still lose my wife. But at the same time I can't help but feel that I am still playing my games to get another chance from my wife and that I don't really want to change.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am lost in the dark and I hope I am not too late.

 

Thank you for your support, it's been rough so far but I haven't lose the feeling of determination to fix things. I look forward to putting in the work and committing to real change

 

I've already started a journal and plan on visiting this site daily for emotional support and accountability. Still looking for more to help me be ultimately successful.