At first she was very supportive, even trying to rein in her own addiction with me, but it was just too difficult. We fed off each other. We'd make it a week and then she'd get horny, I'd get hard, and we'd sleep together. It wasn't a problem for me, it was sort of what I was looking for. Sensual and passionate, loving, and I was able to perform exactly how I wanted, but it wasn't enough for her. The chaser took over and she went off to the races. There were many times that she broke my heart, but one of the worst was after a beautiful passionate afternoon. We'd been abstaining for about a week, really not even touching each other affectionately the entire time, and then finally we made love. We had both read about the Kareeza thing, and we were interested and tried to get into it but just weren't really able to hold back. We both came together after about 20 minutes, and I felt a thousand pound weight lift off of my chest, like finally, fucking finally, things are going to be okay. We went downstairs and sat on the couch, started watching tv, and after about 5 minutes she said "i'll be right back" and ran upstairs. I knew what was going on after about 3 minutes, she was up there with a fucking dildo getting off again instead of just cuddling on the couch with me. I was broke. That was really the last straw for me. I felt my heart just crumble and I knew I'd never be the same again. And I haven't been. After a couple months of more fighting and more failed attempts, I finally left Florida and came back to New York. I have to say, I was with her for only about 10 months, shorter than my two previous relationships of 5 and 4 years respectively, but I loved her deeper than either of the others, and in the end I was more hurt by that relationship than either of the others too. She was just an absolutely beautiful girl, both inside and out, scarred by addiction the same way that I was and still am. It's been a year and half since I left her and I'm still not over it. I'm still not, me. I got back to New York and I swagged it out for the next 6 months though. I went at the no porn NoFap thing pretty hard, I even quit smoking weed for a few weeks. After being home for a month though I met a sexy little blonde that of course had some problems and we spent the weekend going hard. A couple weeks later I started smoking weed again and then I started banging both of my neighbors too. I still had that swag and I was still abstaining from porn and masturbating, but I was balling a different neighbor every day. After a couple weeks of that I got bored and went back to the porn. It wasn't as bad as it was before, I had all the knowledge of yourbrainonporn in my head but I steadily I started browsing and fapping every day again. Turned my attention to a different girl from work, slept with her too, and just kept fucking trying to put the porn, the pot, and my own dick down. I couldn't do it. By now I had been back in New York for about 7 months and I got a lucky break and got promoted at work. Suddenly my libido, which had been up and down, seemed to be doing pretty well and I met another girl, who I instantly liked a lot. I made a pretty noble effort, both with nofap and with her. I went about a month and a half without getting off because I was waiting on her. Things fell through and I went right back to porn. Now I lost it completely. My swag was gone, my libido was gone, my heart hurt all over again, and I felt like a complete piece of shit. That was in May, and it's now January 2014. I still kept going up and down, a week of abstinence here, a week there, but I just couldn't get over the hump. Finally on December 1st I decided to just stop smoking weed, stop looking at porn, stop fapping away, and stop getting with every girl that winks at me. Which brings me to today.... So I haven't looked at porn since the beginning of December, I haven't smoked any weed, and I only nailed one chick. In that first week of no porn NoFap, this girl that I know called me up and wanted to hang out, I knew I shouldn't because I think she's pretty gross and she's a huge whore, but of course I did it anyway. I had more than a few beers and I figured what the hell, let's see where I'm at. Wasn't so good, another 2 minute affair followed by a ton of shame afterwards because again, my opinion of this girl is that she's disgusting and I knew the only reason I did it was because of my addiction. The only good news is that I was able to get a boner. So since then, I think it was like Dec. 7th, I haven't looked at a single bit of porn, haven't masturbated, and haven't hooked up with anybody until tonight. The reason I'm so fucking ashamed though is because of the way that it happened. I was looking at something on facebook, and the same girl that I was with a few weeks ago wrote something on facebook to her boyfriend about how he was "a piece of shit that gave her STDs". I immediately got all freaked out and confronted her about it. She assured me that she was just being nasty to him and blah blah blah and even though I wasn't really assured at all what did I do? I said "so how bout a blowjob"? Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with me that I would do that??? Seriously, it took me 20 minutes to get there and the entire time I was arguing with myself like "don't do it, don't do it, don't do it", but then I get there and even though I was about to turn around and leave, like I was decided in my head "no don't do this it's not right", I had her blow me anyway. I knew that I was going to feel this way afterwards, and even though I don't really feel like shit or anything, I'm not feeling a chaser effect, and my gear is hanging a little better than it was a few hours ago, I feel so ASHAMED, and rightly so!! I should be ashamed! I called the clinic and I set up an appointment immediately, even though this chick told me multiple times that she was just being nasty to him and trying to dissuade his "little whores" from wanting anything to do with him, but my thinking is so fucking sick that in the middle of my mind screaming at me that I might have an STD I cop head from the scrub that gave it to me (if I actually have one) and blow my goddamn streak that I've suffered so long for. It felt pretty good to left everything in this thread off my chest up until this paragraph, and now I'm starting to really feel the shame that I should've been feeling before, the shame that I knew I would feel and allowed the situation to continue into it. I don't know, I think that the whole purpose of writing this post was so that I could write and see how fucking ridiculous this is and feel this shame, and really look at it like I'm supposed to. I've made the commitment that I'm not going to continue with porn anymore, that part of me is something that I want to be done with, and I'm still at the point where masturbating isn't something that I'm interested in or want anything to do with either, so I'm not upset or feeling like I've ruined my reboot, even though I am feeling like I've probably set myself back some. I guess now it's time for me to let go of having sex for awhile too. It's more than just an ED issue, now that my boner works I'm going to have to try pretty hard to stop putting it in stuff, especially now that I have to go to this goddamn clinic. I'm just so frustrated. This has been such a difficult and long journey, this post covers the last 10 years of my life, and I'm so angry with myself that I'm going through this. I don't feel like I'm going to fall into the cycle of beating myself up and feeling so bad that I go back to porn or to smoking weed so that I can temporarily feel better, but I do feel like it's time for a real, serious, and lasting change. I can't fucking believe that it's come down to having to go to an HIV clinic for me to really want to embrace one. I'm afraid. I think I needed to post this to get those feelings out. Thank you for supplying a medium for me to do that, because otherwise I never would have. Sorry if it's too long, too vivid, or too revealing, but I needed to be honest with myself. Hell, maybe someone will learn a lesson from it. Maybe I will. Thanks guys.
Thanks, I think I did as well. I have an appointment to go to tomorrow so I'm hoping that everything will be alright with my physical health. Since I posted last night I've been thinking a lot and what's come to mind is that I have a self esteem issue that I need to start dealing with as well as some lingering co-dependency issues. As frustrated as I am from all of this I really do have to say that I've learned so much in the past three years but like my handle says, I've still got further to go. Thanks for the reply.
