Well...it happened again!!

Last night I was very close to searching something on Google. It feels almost painful not to commit to it, it feels like it's wrong not to do it. But I can always see through it. It's just the addiction tricking you for a mere moment. The next day, the urge won't be there and you feel great. And I feel great. We are talking about serious addiction here, but imo will power is all a person needs. Relying on occupying yourself with all kinds of activities won't help you when one day you don't have anything to do and you're sitting there with an urge. You hear that constantly. People relapsing because they were alone, bored etc. That's were the secret lies. When you can handle the urge being like that, you can handle it in any situation.

It's hard to see through your addicted mind. It makes it seem like it's the right and good thing to do, which it is, but only for the addiction. It also isn't visible what you can achieve when you won't commit to it. All that greatness you can reach for isn't on your mind at that moment. I know this well, everything else is forgotten when the addiction rules over you. Try not to be so short-sighted. Remember how great you will feel the next day that you didn't do it. The pleasure you get from that is far more valuable and better than falling to the urge.

 

I would like to point out first of all that you are not a bad person for having these kind of fetishes or kinks as you call them. You are not Ted Bundy. It makes sense as to why your fetishes have escalated to this point. Vanilla porn just doesn't do it, so you move on to something else, then that doesn't do it anymore and so on and so forth and next you know you're watching somebody screwing a lawnmower. Don't give the porn more power by saying that it is depraved, or be viewing yourself as some kind of bad person for looking at it, or by characterizing it as this unconquerable demon that is plaguing your life. I read about this way of thinking about it somewhere and it really has helped me in the long run.

I will only share the things that have worked for me personally. Re framing my thinking about porn was one of the best things I did. To do this I accepted the fact that I am simply a guy who wants to look at porn. Why wouldn't I really? I accepted the fact that I had this desire. I'm just a guy who wants to watch porn, not a morally abhorrent person. Seriously! I LOVE PORN! I watched it all the time! It was great, no effort, relieves tension, makes me forget about my failures with girls. Then at some point, it stops working.. it becomes harder in the long run to continue watching then to not.

I don't think about streaks. I take my mantra from the 12 step programs, that is I just don't look at porn one day at a time. That doesn't mean that I don't want to or don't think about it occasionally. I learned that you are not your thoughts. Only I can make a thought an action.

It gets easier once you stop struggling. I don't know how to explain this. Quit the war against PMO.. just decide to live a better life one day at a time and interestingly enough realize that you don't need it in your life. But don't make my mistake.. Don't assume that you can leave your life the exact way it is and forego PMO. Whether you want to believe it or not, PMO is huge part of your life if it has effected you this much. Learn from every relapse or slip and try something different next time.

 

Hey ... it's extreme difficult to except this kind of behavior and love ourselves. But when I read this I felt understanding and sympathy for you. It's like looking into a mirror and yet it's not as painful as looking at your own mess

Maybe these rationalisation are relieving your guilt and pain:

1. Extreme, violent porn and fetishes are presented to us by most of the pornsites. As comsumers and even more as addicts we're caught in this machinery of sensual and ethical dulling (as soon as we decide to go there)
   
2. As a human being you're predisposed for that stuff and what you're doing and experience may not be the norm but still is pretty normal (ask a doctor, psychologist or a lawyer for that matter)
3. Let's face it: what we watch is the last shit of adult entertainment. However, it's still porn, fantasy, masturbation AND NOT REAL LIFE. YOU'RE NOT LIKE TED BUNDY AND YOU DON'T COME ANY CLOSE
   
4. If you lack focus, compassion and common sense because of fapping to extreme porn, this is only a symptom and it will get better if you continue on your path of recovery and health
5. You're still a good person. Many people would forgive you watching extreme porn without giving it a second thought. Also people that have never watched that stuff themselves
6. The evil that we invite with our stupid decisions and attachments is real, no doubt. But there are nonetheless many rather harmless motives that make us watch this shit. For example: desensation and the search for novelty (if you don't know about this, you need to educate yourself about the neurobiological part of porn addiction), despair, frustration, anger and the tendency to give in totally to the urges while giving up yourself and all your ideals.

 

@SquareWaveform my former post could have been shorter if I had read yours before :-D
Now I wonder what are good counter-measures against this extreme compulsive behavior?
For myself being abstinent from porn is like keeping a water pipe shut with my hand: at some point water will spill out. Either a drop, a a splash or in form of a fontain.
I know recovery requires keeping the pipe shut and that the pressure of the water will lessen by time. But for the time being: how do I prevent the water fontain?
This problem is surpringly little covered in the community.

 

Okay so I’m relatively new at this but one thing I do understand is P, M and O addictions are not anything else but addictions to DOPAMINE. It’s that reward feeling! So anytime you feel that feeling in your chest, you need to say no or in your mind say no, and control it. It’s REALLY easier said (or written) than done tbh.

This sounds embarrassing but I haven’t been fapping but I have had so much sexual urge that I have humped my pillow and it’s bad because it’s basically M but I keep trying to control myself. I needed to check myself to see if I was bleeding (one time it has happened) and I told myself “oh I am going to just look at my penis and put it back in my pants. Not masturbate.” And I did and I am so proud.

It helps to put PJs on and not sleep in your underwear I think. But above everything else when you feel the urge do not move, and think about what you are going to next

 

I’m glad I’m not alone. I’m trying to stop drinking so much water before bed too so I don’t wake up at night and go pee/wake up in the morning super hard.

You can do it. It’s not easy but I believe in you dude

 

I wish you well and hope that you find the confidence! A lot of guys just need the motivation to get a nice haircut, wear some decent clothes, smell good, and maybe go to the gym. It helps a lot! Confidence and presentation is important.

If you want help with how you look or tips, I was in your spot before and know how you feel.

 

trust it gets better, you gotta believe in yourself

 

As for the "extreme compulsion" you described, here is my experience. Something I've noticed is that once I have begun the PMO behavior, it is impossible to stop. There really is no such thing as one peek at porn. Additionally, there is no such thing as just doing it once and expecting to stop. I believe that someone who has problematic PMO behavior has crossed some sort of line. This line is the ability to control the action; the same thing can apply with other behavioral/substance addictions. There may have been a happy time where you could watch a porn vid, M and be done with it and not look again for a week. Speaking strictly from my own personal experience, once I look I enter into a binge, and this doesn't stop typically until I have that emotional pain that forces me to try to stop again. In the current NoFap jargon this may be called the "chaser" effect (it is exactly similar to why alcoholics drink, they enjoy the rush of the alcohol not necessarily even the final result which may include vomiting.. this is all related to dopamine).

What you appear to be asking here is what exactly can you do right now to deal with the problem, since you haven't been in some kind of long recovery and the immediate urges have not ceased yet. To be very short since this post is already long, I stay away from electronic devices connected to the internet, I stay active in hobbies and other interests, talk to people, and go to bed early at night. So this is not an exhaustive list or very detailed! But the truth is you have to get away from the people,places,things that are associated with PMO. That is one of the most important first steps (it also is where most people fail, here you need to gauge how serious you are about quitting PMO).