I've decided to try this nofap thing. I've tried many other things. They all seem to work for a season, usually a very brief season, and then I run into a wall, see that "yet another strategy has failed", and with a mixture of self-loathing and relief that it is what it is, I'm a guy, it's biology...I relapse. My wife knows about my struggle. I used to always tell her when "I messed up" or "I was bad". She used to get hysterical and cry, say "something is terribly wrong with you". I kept telling her, thinking that the dread of confessing would deter me from relapsing. I'd always get to a point though where the allure of porn surpassed the dread. I knew she'd forgive me. Yes it would hurt tomorrow, but I would grovel, and it would pass. The excitement of the moment was worth the consequences. Flash forward 5 years. I haven't gone more than 2 weeks without PMO. My wife hasn't accepted it, but she's still with me. We've both messed up in different ways, we love and forgive each other, we are still each other's best friends. We've been apart for 2 of the last 4 years, she's in the military. I've done counseling, men's groups, meditation stuff, journaling, accountability partners, fasting, working out. But I've reached a point where I'm comfortable with biweekly porn sessions. I've accepted that it's my lot in this sexualized society with free internet everywhere you go. I've never paid for porn. Why would you? But I've looked at it at work and once while driving (stupid, I know). The biggest downside I've seen to porn is the invasive thoughts, the times when you are with someone you love and respect and these terrible thoughts are taking away your focus and causing you to be withdrawn and fearful."What if they knew that thought I just had". The second is the lethargic, pathetic, worthless feeling you feel after binging. The third is the inner frustration that for me results in angry explosions directed at people I care about. The fourth is somewhat hard to pin down, since it's gradual and shadowy and sometimes you wonder if it's just your imagination being dramatic. It's the thought of what the end result of porn use will be. Will it turn me into a rapist or a pedophile? I don't think I'd ever do that. It repulses me. But I have seen where it's taken me, from softcore to hardcore, to violent, sadistic abusive being the only thing that gets me off. But I'd never be comfortable acting this out in real life. For one it's borderline illegal and the consequences would be devastating. But the content of porn these days (i.e. daughter destruction)indicates that it's not just a harmless pastime. There is a very destructive, and evil agenda to destroy, and pervert all things true/sacred. I'm having a daughter and I cannot live with this current version of myself. If my inward, lower self were a boy pursuing my daughter I would probably kill him. I want to be a 100% trustworthy, confident, productive father and husband, not some Jekyll/Hyde character that you never know which side you're going to get. So here goes attempt #1,447,885,486.
Well, welcome! NoFap Forum is indeed a powerful tool. But you must use it. Otherwise it will be just attempt #486. Let me tell you a few ways to make use of this tool. #1: Start a journal. Make it a habit to post your progress and thoughts there every day. People will pick up and read it and comment, throwing in good thoughts and encouragement. Make sure to note down positive effects of your abstinency. There will be, believe me. And then you can go back anytime and read how much you benefited from not looking at porn, masturbating or orgasming (PMO) #2: Get an accountability partner (AP). Choose how you want to stay in contact: mail, private messaging, texting, skype, whatsapp, whatnot. Have contact daily. #3: Join a challenge. March is coming up and there will be an official thread for fap-free March. Join in and know that there are many people doing the exact same, checking off days one by one. #4: Set yourself a goal. Could be 30 days, but could also be 14 days or 100 days. Make it a goal that you can reach, but that is not too easy. Also, decide on whether you want to go hard mode (no sex at all, not even with your wife) or easy mode (no PM, but O with wife). Hard mode makes the reboot easier, since even after normal sex, the urges to go watch porn will be very strong. #5: Get a counter (just click on mine to go the appropriate page). That way you can monitor your progress. #6: No more hands below the waistline! (Except for washing and peeing, of course.) #7: Most important: Read other people's journals. We're all doing the same thing, basically, so you can learn a whole lot about the journey and other people's success and failure. Best of luck!
Thanks for sharing buddy. A very honest and open account of what the dangers of porn are for us. I can sympathise with your relationship with your wife; my wife knows and supports me too, but in the past hasn't stopped me risking it all. Take the great advice from SeventyNiner - and stay honest with yourself; you alone are responsible for your actions and becoming the husband and father you're meant to be.
Your post was very honest and open. I appreciate that you mean well. Having a daughter is a very good motivation but make sure you put some practical steps in place. Have you tried OpenDNS as filter? I have also had some pretty good results with Mobicip for Apple or Android.
