First post for someone exposed to porn before puberty and addicted 20+ years

So this is my first post, And its long overdue. Idlove to find someone who can hopefully relate to my struggles. Part if my challenges staying clean is inconvince myself im alone and no one is as fucked as me. Not sure how to begin but ill just write about how my porn use grew from age 10 till now .
So at a very young age i somehow came into knowing the pleasure of touching myself . I remember staying in the bathroom and looking at moms victoria secrets mags and using the shower head to pleasure myself. I then came across the spice channel and would watch any chance i could. Being so young it brought about all this sexual energy and i would masturbate any chance i could. I wouod masturbate through my shorts in the back of my 6th grade class. I would wait until everyone at karate school would leave and id masturbate in the changing room.
The urges were so great i started even getting excited looking at my mother. When my sexual urges would hit i found myself hiding in the living room to see her come out of the shower .I loved my mother in all the normal ways a child would but when i would get horny i would get the sexual urges towards her.
Now cue in the internet ,this is where myaddiction started getting out of hand . I started looking for any sexual images i could find. And as many of you know the longer you go down the porn rabbit hole the crazier stuff you find .Istumbled on incest related material , gay porn ,the most hardcore stuff there was .And i culdnt get enough .I was a very shy kid growing up ,especially around women .So porn became an easy escape so i didnt have to deal withembarrasment of rejection.

As the years went on my online porn searching turned to real life exploring. Id go on phone chats looking for people to meet up for sex, girls ,guys ,transgendered people. This led me to question my sexuality but i found after being truthful to myself that i only had sexual urges towards guys when i was horny. Never any emotional feelings or even sexual thoughts unless inwas horny.
When i got to college it seemed i kept looking for more hardcore and fetish material. I got into beastiality, scat ,you name it, i jerked off to it. Thecraziest part was though after id pmo i would feel intense disgust and shame .Especially when i was watching the gay or fetish porn . I found myself going to porn video arcades ,searching for gloryholes, going to prostitutes. Anywhere i could get no questions asked sex id go .Right around age 25 i started going to these places less and less and stuck mainly to viewing these things online. Id look up ads to escorts but rarely callthem. More so get pleasure imagining id see them. The scariest part was the last few years the newest dark depths of my addiction have led to child porn. Thats what disgusts me the most. In no way do i have these urges when i see children or during most of the day. But when im .Horny and binging porn those urges to view the material are high. A constant theme with me lately is i have no desire to do these things in person but the anonymity of watching them is another story.
These latest urges arre what have me realizing i desperetly need to change .That and the issues ive been having .

After highschool i was less and less shy in public .Part of how i would make my self esteem feelbetter was sleeping with girls ,but iwouldnt commit to any .Part of reason i wouldnt commit was i couldnt cum while having intercourse with a girl. Only when i would masturbate or imagine porn .I always just thought it was something normal and id have to live with .Not until a few years ago did i realize porn caused it and now its gotten worse since i havent been able to quit porn. Not only that but in the last year ive not been having sex with anyone because im starting to have troutrouble mainting an erection . When girls have wanted to hook up lately i lie saying ive changed and dont want to have casual sex and i convinced myself of that but its all a lie .The truth is i know i cant perform so thats why i dont do it. Its also caused me to put a strain on friendships .Id be at the club and leave early to go home and pmo, id skip friend gatherings to stay in and pmo .

Sorry if much of this is rambling and hard tofollow ,didnt realize until i started writing how extensive my journey has been. But i tried to get the main points out .while i hope no one is struggling to the level i am, im desperate to find someone to help me. A big reason i keep failing is i try this alone, ive tried quiting so many times i lost count ,never reached even 30 days. i need help please

 

Dont i know it .. My latest cravings are what made me finally have that hard look in the mirror knowing this cant continue ir i could even end up in jail .I threw away my laptop which was my worst enemy since i could use vpn and fool myself into thibking i was safe to view the crazy stuff .And i found an amazing porn blocker for my phone ,the fear of the repurcusions of people finding out the extent of how dark my addiction has brought me is giving me strength to abstain !